Here is a better explanation. I'm really stupid, I have an I.Q of 91, I'm 6 points away from being diagnosed with Borderline Intellectual Functioning, my doctor explained that I do have symptoms of BIF, and its always a downer to hear that you are borderline, borderline retarded, I would leave all my spelling, punctuation and grammar errors in, but that would make them unreadable, so I have to type this on word then paste it onto here. I want to be smart, I want to be able to think well abstractly, I want to be able to have creative ideas, I want to be able to read without it being a complete challenge, I want to be able to organize information in my head so I can actually write one of these and taking less than 2 hours. I want to do something with my life, I'm not after being rich or a normal family life, but I do want do do something that interests me, all these people who do interesting jobs are really smart and creative, and even though I used to be good at it, I did nothing, and now I'm 20, nearly 21 in November, and I have no talents, I have no experience, and its like a quote I heard in a movie called Monster: "You cant spend your life at the beach party, and when its over epect to have what everybody else has" I wouldn't mind but it wasn't exactly a party, it was just a constant piece of shit over and over again, and I have hated my life so far. I'm no good at anything, and I have no life. I have no good times behind me, its just a boring, dissatisfying mess, and that's what my life is, and will always be, and I'm getting older, and still nothing. I still live with my parents. I cant talk to people and I hate making eye contact. I'm infinatley less of a person than everybody I meet. My sex and love life are none existent. If you knew me you would understand, despite my height, I'm an ugly mother fucker, and I have no confidence, you cant JUST have confidence, you need to develop it, and I have no reason to have it, and I'm a total pussy too, I cant fight for shit, cant defend myself, and I'm quiet, life has fucked all the confidence out of me, and women have no reason to want anything to do with me. Not to mention the fact that I no longer have a sense of humour. I cant relax either, because I have done so little with my life so far, I feel like I need to be doing something all the time too, and when I have no motivation, I feel like shit. I'm constantly worrying, because my brain doesn't work well, I forget stuff easily, so when I read something, I worry if I'm going to remember it, and because I feel like I need to learn so much in such a short period of time. If this is what life is, then I don't want it, yeah, I know everybody reading this is going through worse, or has been through worse, and that's another reason I cant stand myself, yet, if I stay alive, then I have nothing to look forward to, just a life time of mopping toilets and struggling to pay my bills, no love, no good times, just a bleak horrible life, and I post regulalry on another forum that deals with depression, and although it made me feel better a bit, its waring off, because there is only so much posting on the internet can do. I'm too stupid to exist, I hate being slow. I FUCKING HATE IT, AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF AND I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!