Bullies are just weak people who pick on others to make their own miserable existence seem better. Often bullies are victims of bullying - some people who face bullying at home will then proceed to bully others. We learn behaviour and if your mother or father are bullies - you either follow that or break the cycle.
I'm in my 40s now so I've seen bullies come and go - seen generations of the rats rise to the top of the pile for a short while.
When I went to school we had the 'cock of the school' - who would be the boy nobody could beat in a fight. This was an all boys school and it was voluntary whether you chose to take part in this 'game'. Nobody who was 'handy' or 'hard' would see any kudos in picking on some little kid. But being boys we all gave as good as we got with verbal abuse. It was more in sport than malicious.
That said, when I was maybe 12/13, there were incidences of abuse going too far. Its wrong, but children have to learn what is right and wrong on their own with their own peers. The main name callers for you were backed by weak and very immature kids who did not know the hurt they caused you.
I'm sure most would be sorry. I know I am for the hurt I caused - and I also forgive those who hurt me, because when you are young and immature, and often still trying to define who you are - you make mistakes.
Please try to put your past behind you - try and forgive the kids who bullied you - because they were just kids - not really able to judge emotional hurt to others. Try to make your peace with that child you once were. Happiness may have eluded you so far but I'm sure that there are happy days in your life to come.
As for medication - it may be worth a try if you cannot resolve your past and be at peace with it. Counselling might be better as its possible you could really come to terms with what has happened via some good counsellor. That said, often as not medication and counselling might be seen as the best option IF you are really down in the dumps and see little if any meaning in life.
As for disfigurements, or blemishes, please understand that we are almost brainwashed into worshipping beauty as if a pretty face means the rest of that person is a thing of beauty. This leads men up a garden path - and makes a lot of women feel insecure because they are not going to look like the latest face of the month, which is usually some skinny girl who looks like she has exercised using heroin to get into shape!
There are many assets in a women which are desirable and more important than looks. I know a lot of people who have been married a long long time - and they tell me that whilst they obviously found the physical appearance attractive - maybe the hair, the eyes, shape of whatever, almost all seemed to agree that their partner was dressed nicely when they first dated (tracksuits come later, don't worry) - most generally stayed up all night talking! You see, if a man invites a woman back to his home, maybe just for a coffee (actually, really, only that) sometimes that can happen.
Its when you find someone's mind attractive, interesting, uplifting and inspirational.
For you Coleen Chick - all that is to come. You missed out on a lot but that only means that you will enjoy things all the more when things click into place for you.
The bullying damaged you at a time when you needed to belong and be part of a group. Its horrible being the odd one out amongst 10 yr old's! Thankfully, many kids do remain kind and there is a lot more awareness of bullying and kids who will and have always stood up to bullies.
You need to get back on the track towards living a 'normal' life - to come out of yourself and overcome the insecurity over the way you look. I'm sure that if you dress well, shower, wear something nice, that someone out there is going to notice you and like what they see. More importantly, I'm sure your a kind and understanding person due to what you have been through. All you need is a little time and encouragement and hopefully you can maybe look again at education once you feel a little better in yourself.
Forget about self harm - just go to your doctors and get some help. No need to be ashamed, depression is not something we bring upon ourselves, it either just happens or sometimes is the result of experiences which many allow to drag them down.
By just staying the way you are - your life is on hold. This is a shame as I'm sure you'd be an asset maybe in some anti bullying programme or scheme. Imagine getting a little bit better and then maybe being someone who can help other kids out there who are going through something you know all about.
Negatives can be turned into positives.
Last but not least, you've done well for making it this far with no help - your a strong person but even the strongest are no match for depression and the debilitating effect it can have if left untreated.
Get some help - you will be a different person by the time we are in the height of summer.
My sincerest good wishes to you!
Good luck and God Bless!
