I hate my life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Chris516, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. Chris516

    Chris516 Member

    I was born in 1967 with a ventricular brain aneurysm. The brain aneurysm caused me to get Hydrocephalus. The first brain surgery for the two, caused me to get Epilepsy.

    I didn't have many friends growing up. Not only because of people not wanting to be around me due to my disabilities. But also, because I moved around, almost like a kid who's parent(s) was(were) in the military. By the time I was 20yrs.-old, I had been born in Germany(to american parents), lived also in England. In the U.S., I had lived in six states and Washington, D.C.

    I barely graduated from high school, and dropped out of college twice.

    My first real full-time job, I was fired from after three months for being too slow. To top it off, the guy in the company that hired me, was arrested for embezzlement.

    I was pushed out of my government job by a mean boss, despite the ADA(Americans with Disabilities Act).

    My only enjoyment is my bike. But even that has become depressing

    When I met my future (ex)wife, we were both going to a 'place' that was a day-program for adults with disabilities. Three months into going there, my future (ex)wife asked me if I would go out with her. I said I would on the condition that it was a totally committed relationship, and that we would eventually get married. I should never have married her, after not only finding that she was fooling around with two other guys, but also that her family did nothing to try to persuade her to stop the behavior.

    I also told her about my medical history and what she needed to know, were I to have a medical emergency. When I did have a medical emergency, she freaked and just stared at me during the whole thing. I should have known that would be her reaction. Because she was always a little 'off'.

    Six months after she left me, I told her that the law allowed me to file for divorce if I wanted to at that point. She begged me not to, so I relented. A year after she left me, she told me that she "wished my disabilities would just go away". It was then that I decided to divorce her. I wasn't able to for another two years. The day of the divorce, following the proceedings, she started crying like a baby on the shoulder of every family that came to court for support. Four years later(seventeen years after we met), she n' her family finally admitted that she has problems. During the whole marriage, she n' her family were in major denial about her health problems. I refuse to talk to them.

    Two years after my divorce, I met a woman that initially said she had no problems with my disabilities. Even to the point when, I had a seizure on two occasions and she didn't freak. But she had her own history. She was abused as a child, diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder in 1999, and a habit of going from man to man. Near the end of the relationship she started blaming the problems in the relationship on my health. Her Bi-Polar Disorder was no picnic. I ended up being emotionally abused by her.

    To top it off, I have a lot of guilt pertaining to my health. For instance when Neil Peart(Drummer for heavy metal band RUSH)'s common-law wife of 22yrs. died from cancer, she had only been diagnosed six months prior to her death. Then his daughter who was in her 20's, died in a car accident. They happened within months of each other.

    I have just been beat up by life. I am having a hard time finding reasons to keep living. My health problems have limited me in so many ways, that I just wait for the next medical problem to happen.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun there are many here that suffer as well with health problems both physical and mental i know how tiring life can be hun i do hope by reaching out here and venting it will help decrease some of that emotional load a bit Hugs to you