I hate my mind.

And I hate my fucked-up life.
This is probably the lowest I've been in a couple of weeks.
I feel really bad for posting this, too, because it feels like I should be taking care of myself, or talking to my therapist.
But it's one am, and I'm crying my eyes out, and my thoughts won't leave me alone.
There's too much going on, and I can't deal.
It sucks that I feel like dying is the only real way out.

 

Just try to find a distraction. anything... maybe tell people on here more on whats going on.

 

What's going on...well, here's the thing.
I think my mom is going to leave my dad because she's obviously really unhappy with him and talks to me about divorcing him.
I'm trying to hold my family together because dad keeps leaving to go on trips, and mom is too busy with her own things and everyone is being stretched to their limit.
Therapy is completely breaking me down emotionally and I hate it and I want to quit and I never wanted it in the first place because it scares me but mom won't let me quit.
I'm trying really really hard to not cut anymore, or at the very least, do it less.
And that's sort of working, but instead of cutting, I've started starving myself as a replacement for it.
I told my friend about it, and today she told me that because of me, she started throwing up after meals; and I feel so fucking guilty about that because I don't want her sucked into that nightmare. I really don't and it's my fault.

 

If you feel bad about it then you and your friend should stop together.. I know you feel like you have to do it but you don't. Try and keep talking to your mom about therapy... if its only hurting you then you do need to stop going as soon as you can. As for your parents... honestly if people are unhappy with each other and try to force a relationship to last (or marriage) it can actually cause more damage... if they do get a divorce things could actually be okay.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for your friend. Everyone has their own responsability. Just for themselves. You are not responsible for her actions. What you can doe is keep talking to her and say it is a nightmare and she shouldn't do it again.
About your parents... I don't know how it will be for you, but for me it was better when my parents divorced. They were unhappy. And now they are divorced both have a new partner and are happy.
About therapy. I know therapy will be emotional and will break you down. But from that point on you can built stronger. Make a strong foundation so you end up stronger then before. Keep fighting and hold on. I know it is hard. But you will feel better again.

 

Oh honey, I am so sorry. It is NOT your responsibility to keep your parents together. it is their job. I know how painful it is...like you are being torn in two. I am a child of divorce too, and I finally understood that their problems had nothing to do with me...took a LONG time for me to get that. They were just a bad match. And it was not my fault. Trying to solve your parents' marriage problems is going to exhaust you. You are the kid, not the adult and you don't need adult responsibilities now. Your most important job is to focus on finding little ways to help yourself get thru the next minute feeling a little better.

And I believe every therapist if obligated professionally to send you to another therapist if you tell them you are not good together. Just tell them it is not working for you and you want a different therapist.

Can you distract yourself? Watch a movie that is postive? I do this when I am in a bad way and it helps me to rest my mind from the repetitive thoughts. Keep writing to us.

 

Hello MadeOfGlass,

You're saying you're crying - i want you to cry as much as you want - crying lets you express your feelings - you'll feel better once you've finished with crying.

You don't need to feel bad to post this, we are here to help you through your difficult times - however i would recommend you give your therapist a call tomorrow morning and arrange an appointment with her/him.

Killing yourself is not the solution, you may think that by suiciding you will be relieved from pain, relief is a feeling and you need to be alive in order to be able to feel. You will not feel this relief once you take your life.

 

Hello MadeOfGlass,

Have you talked with both your mother and father about this? I want you to go and talk to them and tell them that you believe that both of them are stretched to their limits and that both should take their responsibilities and not divorce.

I want you to tell this to your therapist, however i want you to continue your therapy - your therapy is extremely important and will help you a lot - have you talked with your therapist about your parents that they are thinking to divorce?

Starving yourself won't really help, your brain needs the food to be able to function properly, what foods do you like? This may sound like a weird question i know, however you need to eat something.

Regarding you feeling guilty, i can understand this feeling and its understandable to feel like this - something you can do to help is start eating again and tell it to your friend - maybe you can go out with your friend in a restaurant and eat together.