Hello everybody, i am new here and hopefully i will be around for a long time... I am so glad i could find a forum like this coz i cant tell stuff about me on other forums - who would understand me? So here is all the truth of my pathetic and miserable life. I just wanted to let go of all this stuff that my life consists of... Read on if u want to know my story... I am 23 years old girl and live in a small European country. I have been suicidal since i was 13. I have always been extremely/painfully shy, even as a kid. Not only i am painfully shy but i am also very quiet, unsocial, have a very low self-esteem and social anxiety. I used to have just two friends all my life but now i have none at all. We just drifted apart for many reasons, mostly becoz i would always help them and when i needed help, they would turn their backs on me. So i am completely alone now, most of my free time is spent at home. I am not even looking for new friends, not anymore. I am dissapointed in people and i dont trust them. Most of the time i dont want to talk to anyone and still i wish i had the best friend who would be close to my heart. Unfortunately, i have never had one. My schoolmates hated me and called me names, just becoz i was so shy and didnt say more than a few words at a time to any of them so they thought i was arrogant, although i never was anything close to that. So i grew up thinking i was a total freak, different from the others, and there was nothing good for me in life. I was depressed for a long time and i had my first real depression when i was 16 and i just dreamed of death back then. I kept on cutting my hands with a razor coz i hated myself and i expressed my hate in this way and my classmates hated me even more. It was SUCH a miserable time that i am even afraid to look back there coz it was AWFUL. Last year i was severely depressed again and everyday was a day of fighting with the thought of killing myself. There was nothing i wished for except of leaving this f**cking world. I would buy lots of beer or wine and drink at home just to forget about my pain. Getting drunk was my only remedy. In May last year i went to another therapist (i have visited lots of them in my life, but none really helped or helped for a short time) and she prescribed me some meds. Now i feel like a robot emotion-wise. I usually dont feel anything at all, but when i forget to take my meds for a few days (sometimes i dont take them just coz i am tired of being emotionless) - oh my, thats something awful. I become suicidal, depressed, sad, i feel like a total shit, all i want is to die and end this miserable existance. All i can think about is death, i love the idea of it, i am happy nobody can live forever. More than that, i also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (you can look it up online) which i have had different forms of. In spite of being on meds and not feeling anything, my brain still understands my situation. I know its not normal to be 23 and not to go out with friends, not having friends at all, to stay at home all the time, to have nothing interesting going on in life, to have nothing to look up to. Another problem is that nothing makes me happy. I am studying in the university and i am doing okay but this doesnt really make me happy for more than a few minutes after i find out i got a good mark. I used to work for the last 8 months and i had some money, but the fact that i can afford buying almost anything that i want didnt make me happy at all. I dont care about clothes, make-up, shoes, anything at all. Whatever i do, it doesnt bring me joy and happiness. I just exist, but i dont live. I wonder how people can say life is cool and interesting?.. I guess i wouldnt have missed too much if i wasnt born at all.