I hate myself and i want to die (c)

[TwilightKid]

Hello everybody,

i am new here and hopefully i will be around for a long time... I am so glad i could find a forum like this coz i cant tell stuff about me on other forums - who would understand me? So here is all the truth of my pathetic and miserable life. I just wanted to let go of all this stuff that my life consists of... Read on if u want to know my story...

I am 23 years old girl and live in a small European country. I have been suicidal since i was 13. I have always been extremely/painfully shy, even as a kid. Not only i am painfully shy but i am also very quiet, unsocial, have a very low self-esteem and social anxiety. I used to have just two friends all my life but now i have none at all. We just drifted apart for many reasons, mostly becoz i would always help them and when i needed help, they would turn their backs on me. So i am completely alone now, most of my free time is spent at home. I am not even looking for new friends, not anymore. I am dissapointed in people and i dont trust them. Most of the time i dont want to talk to anyone and still i wish i had the best friend who would be close to my heart. Unfortunately, i have never had one. My schoolmates hated me and called me names, just becoz i was so shy and didnt say more than a few words at a time to any of them so they thought i was arrogant, although i never was anything close to that. So i grew up thinking i was a total freak, different from the others, and there was nothing good for me in life.

I was depressed for a long time and i had my first real depression when i was 16 and i just dreamed of death back then. I kept on cutting my hands with a razor coz i hated myself and i expressed my hate in this way and my classmates hated me even more. It was SUCH a miserable time that i am even afraid to look back there coz it was AWFUL. Last year i was severely depressed again and everyday was a day of fighting with the thought of killing myself. There was nothing i wished for except of leaving this f**cking world. I would buy lots of beer or wine and drink at home just to forget about my pain. Getting drunk was my only remedy.

In May last year i went to another therapist (i have visited lots of them in my life, but none really helped or helped for a short time) and she prescribed me some meds. Now i feel like a robot emotion-wise. I usually dont feel anything at all, but when i forget to take my meds for a few days (sometimes i dont take them just coz i am tired of being emotionless) - oh my, thats something awful. I become suicidal, depressed, sad, i feel like a total shit, all i want is to die and end this miserable existance. All i can think about is death, i love the idea of it, i am happy nobody can live forever. More than that, i also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (you can look it up online) which i have had different forms of. In spite of being on meds and not feeling anything, my brain still understands my situation. I know its not normal to be 23 and not to go out with friends, not having friends at all, to stay at home all the time, to have nothing interesting going on in life, to have nothing to look up to.

Another problem is that nothing makes me happy. I am studying in the university and i am doing okay but this doesnt really make me happy for more than a few minutes after i find out i got a good mark. I used to work for the last 8 months and i had some money, but the fact that i can afford buying almost anything that i want didnt make me happy at all. I dont care about clothes, make-up, shoes, anything at all. Whatever i do, it doesnt bring me joy and happiness. I just exist, but i dont live. I wonder how people can say life is cool and interesting?.. I guess i wouldnt have missed too much if i wasnt born at all.

 

[smackh2o]

I suffer from something like social anxiety (I think, i'm going to a shrink soon so they can confirm it). I've also been very shy all my life. The only thing that has really kept me going is hope. That there can be something in life that is worth trudging through years of horrible feeling to get at. When you say nothing makes you happy anymore, did you not used to dream of things, and havent you still got dreams?
When you went to the counsellor's did they give you any methods on how to build up your confidence and if so have you tried them out? I know it must be incredibly difficult for you when you don't trust people in the first place but not everyone is out to get at you or treat you badly. To me you don't sound as if you truly want to die, you sound as if you have bearly any hope left and just see futility in front of you.
All those pills do sound like they do their job but your not getting any better because you still have the same problem of lonliness and hopelessness that caused your feelings in the first place. I reckon if you want to crack your depression and get your confidence and your hope back your going to have to face your fears sometime. But first you've gotta want to get better and that takes effort. You need to find one thing you think will make you happy later on in life, wether it be your course and career, or the oppertunity to make friends who care or fall in love or help others, the list goes on, but you need direction and purpose and you need to feel energetic from it and alive and when your feelings down in the dumps and hopeless you can use those thoughts as an island to stand on and be safe.
And talking more about your problems with other people can make it so much easier to bear. This site is the perfect place to start as for one your annonymous so theres no real need to be shy, and two its full of people with similar experiences to each other.
I hope you'll be around for a very long time as well, all the best TwilightKid.

 

[VengeanceDNS]

just read your post and would like to say there is hope, this site is wonderful and im sure youll make friends. feel free to pm me anytime. x

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Well some of us are just odd balls, I am one myself. I am 21 and have not had any real friends my whole life. I do not go out and do stuff I mostly stay in and play video games or watch anime.

People like you and just got shafted on life. It is not that we are not smart enough it is that we are genetically inferior beings who everyone hates. Well at least I feel that is the way I am. I am pretty socially inept and socially stupid. I am just going to keep existing. Until I cannot take it any more so over the next few years I will just exist and then most likely die.

The only people I have are online friends. Some are here most are other places. But here you will find people who truely understand your feelings. I am one of them, you can PM me whenever you like and I will respond. We can be online friends if you like. Maybe I can even offer advice that will help.

Anyway PM me whenever you want with whatever you want to tell me. I know that it is not the support of having another person there but it is better than nothing.

 

[lilyao]

well , hi , i understando how you feel , ive felt like that before even though im only 15, i was forced to grow up faster because no one understood me, i can be your online friend if you want, you have my support. i feel so alone although i have friends, but they are all male, girl friends just run away from me because im not like them, im sure youll find someone, theres nothing wrong with being shy, and you should find a way out of anti depressives because they make you senseless, so try a psychiatrist,(if you dont go with one now) the know how to work it out, and dont hate yourself, youre at least good in school that can work.

hope youre well.

Monica

 

[TwilightKid]

Thank u everybody, who replied and tried to advice something.
Well as i said when i am on meds (whixh is right now) i am senseless and to be honest this is not so cool as it may seem. In fact i would prefer to be depressed instead of being senseless! Yes really. I used to think its cool not to feel anything but u can trust me on this - its not. I prefer pain coz at least then i am sure i am still alive. Because a human without emotions is not a human anymore. I can look at the sky and the sunset, nature and stuff which is supposed to provoke romantic emotions but i dont feel anything. Yes its beautiful, but i dont feel it. When i am trying to think of something nice from my past, i dont feel the rush of emotions. When i am trying to dream about the future, somethings tells me my dreams are nothing and they will never come true. So i am stuck in the moment which i dont enjoy at all since there is nothing to enjoy here. I just dont want anything, nothing brings joy to me, nothing makes me happy.
I think those f**cking pills made me apathic to everything! And i dont like that at all. Well thats why today i went to another therapist who decided to give me another kind of treatment, not medical one, but some relaxation therapy and some other weird stuff, but no pills anymore. I will be trying to get off them slowly, since i am an antidepressant junkie now, even though i only take 2 pills a day. I tryed to get off them by myself and i had some symptoms of a junkie like shaking hands, agression, sadness and nervousness.
Well anyone who wants to PM me - feel free to do so! I will be glad to talk to anyone! :smile:

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Thank u everybody, who replied and tried to advice something.
Well as i said when i am on meds (whixh is right now) i am senseless and to be honest this is not so cool as it may seem. In fact i would prefer to be depressed instead of being senseless! Yes really. I used to think its cool not to feel anything but u can trust me on this - its not. I prefer pain coz at least then i am sure i am still alive. Because a human without emotions is not a human anymore. I can look at the sky and the sunset, nature and stuff which is supposed to provoke romantic emotions but i dont feel anything. Yes its beautiful, but i dont feel it. When i am trying to think of something nice from my past, i dont feel the rush of emotions. When i am trying to dream about the future, somethings tells me my dreams are nothing and they will never come true. So i am stuck in the moment which i dont enjoy at all since there is nothing to enjoy here. I just dont want anything, nothing brings joy to me, nothing makes me happy.
I think those f**cking pills made me apathic to everything! And i dont like that at all. Well thats why today i went to another therapist who decided to give me another kind of treatment, not medical one, but some relaxation therapy and some other weird stuff, but no pills anymore. I will be trying to get off them slowly, since i am an antidepressant junkie now, even though i only take 2 pills a day. I tryed to get off them by myself and i had some symptoms of a junkie like shaking hands, agression, sadness and nervousness.
Well anyone who wants to PM me - feel free to do so! I will be glad to talk to anyone! :smile:

Hurray for getting off the pills. I am glad to hear you are trying another route. Please keep us posted

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to SF Twilight. As you have seen we are a friendly bunch of people with many thoughts. I am glad to know you are seeking help and not limiting your options while doing so. I hope you find a method that is suitable for you and helps to straighten out your issues. I wish you luck in the search. I am glad you found us. I believe you can gain support from us and we from you. Take care. :hug:

 

[bono]

Sounds like you suffer from dysthymic depression.. It makes you seem more seem more real than most of the people on this site who suffer from situation short term depression. Who want to kill themselves on impulse and feel the need to inject the comments with unjustifiable melodrama into there posts.

A few notes on your post:
-On school marks: Most people with low self esteem credit outside circumstance for the successes, rather than feel good crediting themselves.
-Do you really hate the world? Sounds like you’re disappointed that you never chased after the life you wanted, due to lack of motivation and fear of failure.
-Most people fall into the category of brooding and sad. You seem unhappy rather than sad. Meaning you live your life in a “low mood” and maybe “low-low moods,” though the two no longer seem hardly separable.

If this makes sense to you, congrats your not alone. Recommended to you would be cognitive behavioural therapy, anti-depressant meds, exercise, regular sleeping pattern, and finding rewarding hobbies. Watch less television and decide for yourself how you should feel and act. Hypnosis couldn’t hurt either. Mine is a government job and they appointed me a psychologist who hypostasized me yesterday. I scared a few people when I jumped off a 20-story building. The would have to be crazy to take the advice of a crazy person!! But we have already established that you’re crazy J

~Bono the uppity Canadian, with a floppy head and beady little eyes

 

[DarnTired]

Relaxation therapy sounds interesting. At the very least it sounds non-threatening and non-habit-forming. Tell us how that's going once you start getting into it. I'd like to be able to relax again.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

:welcome: :hug: ;







Hello, welcomew to the forum. I am sorry you felt so bad you found the site, but I'm glad you have somewhere to speak fairly freely and be yourself. I am looking forward to seeing yuou around and getting to know you. Please hang in there and try and take care hun. :hug: :hug: