I hate myself. It wouldn't be the first time I said that, either. I just hate everything... everytime I try to find a reason I should love the people around me and the fact I'm alive I end up realizing I'm just fooling myself. I need to stop telling myself I'm "normal" and accept the fact I'm a broken 23 year old man with no ambition, courage, and probably will never amount to jack shit... I feel like I'm always disappointing people. My parents and my friends... I'm tired of people telling me what to do, how to act, and when I try to defend myself people just tell me I'm wrong on all factors. It seems like everyone has a problem with my personality, my looks, my little hobby, views on religion, anything you could name about me. No one ever listens to what I have to say or give a damn about how I feel, it's always everyone else thinking about themselves. Sometimes I seriously think I'm living a joke or something, the same repetitive crap and talking to the same old people over and over again about the same stupid thing. Same old "I got a problem with you", or "I'm telling you what to do or what to think", I just want to tell them all to shut the hell up and leave me alone. My confidence fluctuates... most of time its zero... I never feel masculine (I'm more feminine personality wise and it can't be helped anyway) and I feel like a failure. I hope one day will make up for it all... I just want to get a good payng job, get married, live a happy life like some people... this depressive state since I was only 13 has gotten sickening where I just randomly cry (I even cried on my birthday) due to how old I've gotten without having changed the least bit. I wish I had the balls to buy a gun and blow my brains out, lord knows I deserve it for being a lazy, flawed personality, and ambitionless waste of human life. Somehow I keep trying to push on and live, but I know I can't be my own person and feel good about myself without someone wanting to be a smart ass to me about it. Thanks to whomever listens... just wanted to let some bottled up frustration out. I've been holding it in long enough without having posted here in quite some time.