I hate myself and my life and I can't change it. Too lonely.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by KaleSalad, Nov 5, 2014.

  1. KaleSalad

    KaleSalad New Member

    I hate myself, who I am. I just do not accept myself, period.

    I don't know exactly why but I feel others are better.

    Maybe it's because they're hard-working and I am lazy ? Or they're attractive and physically fit and I am not ? They can deal with stress and I collapse whenever something minor happens ?

    I don't know. All of these and more, most likely. I feel like I want to die but I don't want it to be suicide because of fear of what is after.

    I am sitting at home with my mom despite being 20, which may not be a big deal to others, but I'm feeling extremely lonely. I'm ok with my mom, but
    all my friends have left for college and there weren't many in the first place (no I was not popular). I never had a girlfriend. This hurts the most.
    This makes me want to<mod edit -methods> and end my pathetic life. I don't do it only because I am afraid of what happens after.
    Would I forget everything in an instant, never have a thought again ? This sounds absolutely terryfying. Or maybe it's even worse and I can go to hell for
    suicide ? Even if both are wrong I am afraid to do that and I'm glad I have this fear in me.
    I CANNOT stand the loneliness any more. You see I live in a very small town, the only young people who are left are...not really my type.
    I was raised in a family where education&culture matters (I am not bragging I'll explain this as clear as I can) and I can't see myself getting along with people
    whose only interests are sports, drinking and getting laid. It's just how I was raised, and in my shitty town these are the only kind of people that are left EVERYBODY ELSE
    LEFT FOR COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY. Sure there are younger people still in high school but I now belong to that first group, being jobless, no college education and pathetic.

    I couldn't stay at college. Yes I went there, but something broke in me. Reminding me how naive my dream of starting life anew in college was. Something broke
    very hard, I got so sad, so angry, the only thing I could think of was taking my life away or running away back home which I did. I went to a psychiatrist but, I don't know she doesn't help me much yet.
    And there were people, ACTUAL PEOPLE A SOLUTION TO MY LONELINESS WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC TRASH I AM WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF !??
    WHY DID I MADE MYSELF STAY ANOTHER YEAR AT HOME COMPLETELY ALONE OH GOD I AM GOING TO DO THIS I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN I CAN'T I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

    I do not think I am able to handle another year in almost 100 % isolation from people of my age. "Go out, meet people ! It's easy !" you want to say if you are reading this - probably. That's the cookie-cutter answer
    to my problem. Well I can't because I feel like I'm a worthless lunatic who lives with his mom who can barely tie his shoes I'm so pathetic nobody will ever want to be friends with me AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE but I DONT WANT TO GO OUT LOOK FOR FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID IT WILL FAIL AND I WILL FEEL EVEN WORSE THAN THAT.
    And there are very few people my age here (small town).

    I am so lonely. God. How foolish I was to go back home. See what I meant when I SAID I HATE MYSELF ? Because I act against myself. I do things knowing they will be bad for me but I can't resist it. I fucked up my life for another year. Another year alone. Another year. Another. Year. I want to die but I still have hope for the next year. If I can make it. And I doubt it.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    stop with the negative talk and start now with replacing it all with opposite of those words. You tried that means you do have courage to step out of your comfort zone try again talk with councelor at the college get supports in place to help you with your anxiety so you have a place to go when you feel overwhelmed for help
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the difficult time you are going through. I can relate a little but having gone through it myself many years ago , but more current is my 3 daughters 2 of which are finishing college now and one that is just finishing high school. All had issues about the majors they chose and being away and trying to adjust to friends going all different directions., My point here is that you are not alone or the only one that has these problems and faces this- it is hard so do not think you are weaker or less than others- it is just a very difficult time for many if not most people.

    The issue that causes most people your age problems in transitioning from youth to adult is getting used to the lack of immediate gratification that is life as a child or adolescent. AS you get older it takes days , weeks, months, and years for things to change -and not instant or few minutes or day or two. This is because the things that become important to you as you get older are not small simple things. A child wants somebody to play with at the playground "right now" and if that is solved they are happy. Planning for next weekend is a rarity and a big deal. When you were faced with a scary or hard thing being away in college you took the fast and expedient approach that you learned for years growing up - you did not like something so you stopped doing it instead of thinking it through and decided what would be better in the long term. It is the impulsiveness that is the hallmark of youth.

    This hard lesson in acting impulsively really sucks, but it is something you can recover from and learn from. While next September seems a long time from now, it is not really in the big picture. Also, you may be able to look into a January start in another college. All your FAFSA is done, and you have transcripts available so spend the next month or two working on trying to get in for the second semester at the same or a different college.

    Perhaps instead of a traditional college consider a business or training school where the students are more focused on getting training or education than the party life style that dominates some places in the first couple years. Nothing that has happened so far has been a serious delay or problem in the overall concept of life, but the fastest way to fix it is to look for possible solutions and put this energy you are using in worry and despair into planning and getting results.
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry this is a hard time and situation for you! Loneliness is not nice.

    Regardless of where we live and what we do, feelings of self-hate can undermine us. Self-hate and depression (loneliness can be part of depression) tend to make us think we "don't do anything right, don't make the right decisions, don't fit in" and that "what is available to us is not right" - no matter where we are or who/what is around us.

    Seeing a psychiatrist can help, but it's not an overnight solution. You said it's not helping much "yet." Give it time. The issues that get tangled into a depressive episode usually didn't happen in a day, so it will take time to untangle them.

    There might not be many people in your age group or activities that meet your interests in your town. Could you find the closest match for an interest you have and participate in something? You see, people know "other people" and who knows who else you might meet that way?! Additionally, it is quite a mature thing to have friends in different age groups.

    Volunteering for a cause that is important to us can be a great way to boost our sense of self-worth and purpose, and it's a good way to at least "meet" and "be around" people.

    Taking some time for ourselves to get settled and work through the second-guessing ourselves and any self-berating gives us the base to formulate a new plan and feel that we can do new things - perhaps even go away to college again...?

    Take it a day at a time for now. Perhaps concentrate on figuring out what you want in life and exploring the ways you can achieve those things. And then maybe make a plan on how to reach your goals.

    It's all part of the learning curve of transitioning from older adolescent to young adult. You're already working on that transition just by putting up your post here with your concerns and feelings. I wish you all the best in this journey, and I hope you will keep us updated!
     
  5. KaleSalad

    KaleSalad New Member

    Thanks for the posts. It really made me feel better. Fortunately the crysis that I had this morning ended and I was able to focus on more positive things.
    I realize my problem is small compared to many others, but nevertheless I am thankful for the support.

    I don't yet have any long-term plans for this year but I am renewing my gym membership as I find physical exercise very helpful when I experience those states of mind (yeah, depression and me have a history).
    It's going to be a rocky road but now at least I have some hope. Thank you guys.