I hate myself, who I am. I just do not accept myself, period. I don't know exactly why but I feel others are better. Maybe it's because they're hard-working and I am lazy ? Or they're attractive and physically fit and I am not ? They can deal with stress and I collapse whenever something minor happens ? I don't know. All of these and more, most likely. I feel like I want to die but I don't want it to be suicide because of fear of what is after. I am sitting at home with my mom despite being 20, which may not be a big deal to others, but I'm feeling extremely lonely. I'm ok with my mom, but all my friends have left for college and there weren't many in the first place (no I was not popular). I never had a girlfriend. This hurts the most. This makes me want to<mod edit -methods> and end my pathetic life. I don't do it only because I am afraid of what happens after. Would I forget everything in an instant, never have a thought again ? This sounds absolutely terryfying. Or maybe it's even worse and I can go to hell for suicide ? Even if both are wrong I am afraid to do that and I'm glad I have this fear in me. I CANNOT stand the loneliness any more. You see I live in a very small town, the only young people who are left are...not really my type. I was raised in a family where education&culture matters (I am not bragging I'll explain this as clear as I can) and I can't see myself getting along with people whose only interests are sports, drinking and getting laid. It's just how I was raised, and in my shitty town these are the only kind of people that are left EVERYBODY ELSE LEFT FOR COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY. Sure there are younger people still in high school but I now belong to that first group, being jobless, no college education and pathetic. I couldn't stay at college. Yes I went there, but something broke in me. Reminding me how naive my dream of starting life anew in college was. Something broke very hard, I got so sad, so angry, the only thing I could think of was taking my life away or running away back home which I did. I went to a psychiatrist but, I don't know she doesn't help me much yet. And there were people, ACTUAL PEOPLE A SOLUTION TO MY LONELINESS WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC TRASH I AM WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF !?? WHY DID I MADE MYSELF STAY ANOTHER YEAR AT HOME COMPLETELY ALONE OH GOD I AM GOING TO DO THIS I CAN'T STAND THIS PAIN I CAN'T I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I do not think I am able to handle another year in almost 100 % isolation from people of my age. "Go out, meet people ! It's easy !" you want to say if you are reading this - probably. That's the cookie-cutter answer to my problem. Well I can't because I feel like I'm a worthless lunatic who lives with his mom who can barely tie his shoes I'm so pathetic nobody will ever want to be friends with me AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE but I DONT WANT TO GO OUT LOOK FOR FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID IT WILL FAIL AND I WILL FEEL EVEN WORSE THAN THAT. And there are very few people my age here (small town). I am so lonely. God. How foolish I was to go back home. See what I meant when I SAID I HATE MYSELF ? Because I act against myself. I do things knowing they will be bad for me but I can't resist it. I fucked up my life for another year. Another year alone. Another year. Another. Year. I want to die but I still have hope for the next year. If I can make it. And I doubt it.