Just joined this site cus why not? After all I was just browsing the web for depressing images while silently crying in bed. I freaking hate myself. Why bother to raise myself up and feel good about myself when I'll just feel even worse than before as soon as I get hurt again? I'm sick of it all. I feel so f**king alone, yet when I'm around people who are happy, it only makes me feel more miserable. When I walk around campus and see some dumb happy couple or something, I want to spit in their faces and tell them to enjoy those feelings while they last. At the end of the day nothing lasts forever after all. Besides, I would once more be labeled as a freak, and a loser, which I am. The most pathetic part is that I know that me insulting myself is just my lame subconscious attempt at getting sympathy. It makes me feel pathetic. Has anyone here ever wanted to hurt happy people (not saying I have or ever will)? I just want them to feel my pain. I admit: I often end up having these violent fantasies of me beating the crap out of someone. It doesn't help that it sometimes feels like my music is the only friend I have. At least I can take comfort in the repition, and the angry and depressing lyrics. Feels like they listen to me better than any real human being. A friend told me once that music is like alcohol, in how it makes ur emotions go to one extreme or another. He's definitely right, and when I'm sad (which describes my life now), I freaking binge, and boy does it feel good. That's the thing about being sad that you have to worry about; it's not fighting the sadness itself, but it's the not wanting to fight it. So much more comfortable to lounge around like a pathetic P.O.S. As opposed to doing something about how you feel. Sure, being around friends kinda forces me to cheer the hell up, sometimes putting on a mask so to speak, but when I lay down at night, nobody's there to protect me from my thoughts. Hell I can't sleep right now as I'm writing this. Earlier this evening I <mod edit - self harm/ methods> A few weeks ago a friend noticed that I'd been cutting myself and had a talk with me. Then a bit later there was this huge ordeal over this girl but my friend actually managed to convince me not to cut myself over it and so I hadn't until now. The reason being that this friend is now going through her own crisis, and is acting exactly like I was when s**t hit the fan for me. Kinda hard to keep faith in something someone tells you when that same person can't follow it themselves. So yeah, I cut myself, started crying like a disgusting pathetic piece of s**t, and that brings me up to this point. I'm so sick of happiness being at small moments, and only for minuscule reasons. It's so tiring. It's a tease. It makes me think that maybe I don't have to kill myself, but when this feeling fades, I only crash harder. I'm so sick of the usual BS you're a wonderful person lectures I get from every single freakin person. It sure doesn't seem true to me. I've thought about suicide but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it, and I know it would crush my family. So I'm stuck with door number three: being miserable and pretending I'm happy. I think I just about exhausted my rant for now. Nothing else comes to mind about what to whine about. Feel free to reply.