I Hate Myself And Want To Die --triggering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sydx, Jun 27, 2010.

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  1. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    The past three years I've been suffering through depression; the past two years I've been dealing with SI and suicidal thoughts/ideation. Only recently - as in the past couple of months - have I started going to a psychologist. And it's not helping. At all. I realize it's not a quick-fix type of thing but I would've thought I'd feel at least some bit of relief from talking through everything and getting all of this shit off my chest. My suicidal thoughts have been getting far worse, and so has my SI issue.

    I've been letting one of my closest friends distract me from this, and it'd been working for a while, too. ( She knows that I'm seeing a shrink, but she doesn't know anything about my current mentality. ) I haven't had a true reason to get out of bed for so long... And that feeling alone, without everything else, is hell in itself - call it selfish, in a way, but this girlfriend had been horribly down lately because of a breakup, and it'd given me that initiative to open my eyes and get my ass up in the morning, just so I could help her through another day.

    It'd occured to me less than an hour ago that all I've been doing by this is finding a way to ignore my own problems and by being that rock-type figure for her, I've been keeping all of my own emotions bottled up. I've been told before by someone that used to be very close to me that I do that often... I can only recall once before that I'd kept everything inside so much, and the aftermath of that hadn't nearly been as bad as this time...

    I don't even really remembered how or what exactly happened but I guess my mind managed to get itself into that very low point and I felt cold. Apathetic and physically cold, my hands were shaking. Without really even thinking - I don't even know what I was thinking, or if I was at all - I'd started cutting. But quickly I'd went from being apathetic to horribly depressed and I hadn't realized how deep I'd actually cut until all this blood started pouring. I had to fight myself not to keep going at it though that's all I wanted to do.

    And right now it's hard as hell not to let myself give in to that because I don't deserve that release. I don't deserve that pleasure. But I want to die.

    I want to fucking die. More than anything. And it's the strongest desire I have ever felt in my life, for anything...

    The only reason I've been trying so hard not to act on this is because commiting suicide is a leisure that I most certainly do not deserve. I am disgusting in every fucking way. I am a horrible person. What I do truly deserve is punishment for being so goddamn abhorrent and staying alive is my self-given punishment.

    But the foundations of my fucked-up justification system are too wavering right now...
     
  2. xXxJJxXx

    xXxJJxXx Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, I went through a similar thing about 6 months ago- you will make it through this! There is a promising future waiting for you if you persevere.

    Keep going with the shrink because it's a step in the right direction and make sure they know you think it isn't really working for you so that they can try to find a better way to help you.

    You are a beautiful, brave and loving person. Fact. Stay strong, deal with your problems head on and you will find a way past all this. There are people in this world who love you even if you don't love yourself, do it for the people you have met and the people you have yet to meet. :) <3
     
  3. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Yeah... I know there are people who love me but that's one of the many reasons that makes me feel like I should die that little bit more. The people closest to me - rather, those I feel safe around - they don't deserve me as a burden. They're good people and they have their own shit to deal with. They shouldn't have to deal with worrying about me 24/7. And I don't deserve to have them in my life. I've done nothing worth their time and compassion.
     
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Your friends are there because they care and what to do everything possible to help do not feel a burden okay
     
  5. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    They have plenty of their own shit to be dealing with though. I feel horrible for adding to it. They worry about me too much. I'm not worth all that worry.
     
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I am sure they would say different I know for all my issues is my friend came to me for help I would want to be there, it would be a million times worse knowing I could of done more, trust me this is coming from losing someone to suicide already. Are you getting professional help as well, that could help you loads, and make you feel less guilty about going to your friends?
     
  7. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    I've been going to a psychologist for a couple of months but that hasn't helped at all. In the time that I've been seeing her, I've only been feeling worse and I'm getting more suicidal.
     
  8. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Then you need to speak to the crisis team if there is one where you are, explain to them how you feel they can offer short term support. Whilst you can look into changing who you are seeing and also what other extra support needs to be put into place if that makes sense
     
  9. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    I'm seeing my psych on Friday, I was going to talk to her about checking into a local psychiatric hospital but I'm really hesitant about that...
     
  10. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I think it is the best idea, allow you a safe non stressful environment to work on you, do not be hesitant see it as an opportunity to sort things out in your own time, it is a really brave decision to make trust me.
     
  11. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Okay... Thanks
     
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Wow. I am so sorry for you and how you feel. Why do you feel that way about yourself? Why not give of yourself to some charity or volunteer as an act of atonement? Then you can work off those bad feelings you have about yourself. I bet you are nowhere near as bad as you think. We all over estimate our unworthines.But we have ALL made mistakes. The very best of the best have made mistakes. Your only human.

    I ask people to pray for help because it has helped me. It is the only thing I know to give.

    I'm sure that whatever you've done can be corrected or redeemed somehow.

    Don't give up on yourself. I won't. You are welcome to write or PM,

    Marty
     
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