i hate myself and want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bissingswine, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. bissingswine

    bissingswine Guest

    i dono, it's not like i'm actually going to kill myself anytime soon. so maybe it's shitty of me to be making a thread. i've really wanted to die for many years, and have been thinking about it a lot for a few weeks. i don't actually have a whole lot to say, and it's not like anyone else can make me feel better. that's one of the worst things, everything's so fucking hopeless. trapped in my own screwy head and i can't even top myself to get out. i can drink a lot, and i do, and every now and then i take something else which is great for a night. but it leads nowhere and i just seem to feel shittier and shittier. i'll just drink and play video games and try to keep myself from thinking, and come on here perhaps and type stupid junk that nobody should care about. it'll go on and get slowly worse until perhaps i finally get the balls to cut my head off. or perhaps i'll get sconned in the back of the face with a fist sized meteorite and my head will explode and i won't have to worry about this anymore.

    so what now, what a fucking waste of time.
     
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel.
     
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
    It must be very confusing for you now and feeling hopeless like not going anywhere.
    One thing for sure. For me and most of people here struggling with thoughts of suicide and life, it is OK you share your stuff,
    no one is going to judge you or tell you what you should do with your life to recover from this crisis. You will know best when the time comes.
    Here, we are people like you who suffere at different levels and reasons but we care for each other. You are not alone. You are not alone.
     
  4. bissingswine

    bissingswine Guest

    thanks for the replies. like i said, people can't really make me feel any differently, but it sure is nicer have some people reply with something rather than no one saying anything. oh well, i've just started drinking to deal with everything. alcohol's just like a cheat code for life, makes things easier. no doubt i'll regret it later but it's difficult to care. does anyone else find themselves wishing they started coughing up blood or something. i smoke and kinda wish i got lung cancer or something. i mean i'd probably hate it if it really happened but i want it to happen anyway. i have no control of my life and want something to just force me into the dirt. i won't do it myself and there's nothing i can do to escape other than get out of my head with drugs.

    well, more gibberish shit for the internet.
     
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've had similar thoughts, and I too have turned to drinking to deal with it. Like you said, I often wish I was dead or ended up with a terminal illness, but at the same time I don't really want it to happen. I do but I don't. I guess I'm kind of at the point that I'm sick of my life, yet also afraid to die. Not really afraid to die... apprehensive maybe? I don't know. Not ready yet. I worry that death won't bring me peace. And I still hang onto the hope that one day my life will bring peace. I don't have a whole lot of faith in that, but it's a nice thought. At least the alcohol makes life bearable, for now.

    Gibberish shit for the internet... hell, isn't that what the internet is for? It's all a bunch of gibberish. At least the things that people post here are a lot more meaningful than the gibberish people post on Facebook or Twitter or anywhere else.
     
  6. bissingswine

    bissingswine Member

    grog makes everything easy. i'm not worried about finding peace in the afterlife. i feel reasonably sure that death is absolute nothingness. i just can't die already because i imagine my mum going all hysterically sad and feel too guilty. i kinda wish some douchebag would stab me in the middle of the night while im walking home or something. i don't see what im posting here as being meaningful. it's all bullshit. i'm almost entirely composed of bullshit. just looking for attention probably. i fucking hate myself. i want to die. most of the time anyway. god it's such a fucking terrible half arsed position to be in. cancer doesn't even wanna be near me. fuck me.
     
  7. bissingswine

    bissingswine Member

    im drunk. i get drunk every night now. perhaps i'll be an alcoholic at some point. maybe i subconsciously want to destroy my body with substances. or consciously. i'm scared of everything i want to do. ive wanted to kill myself for years but i can't. i'm fuckin trapped or something. maybe i want people's pity, or maybe i just want everyone to feel as sad as i do. point is i'm not actually going to step off the edge of a tall building. im not going to shoot myself full of lovely drugs. i'm gunna feel miserable and imagine suicide while feeling trapped and miserable. shit man it's not even important. i want some fuckin drugs man, some morphine or heroin or ecstasy at least. i imagine times that i was high and feel miserable coz i don't feel like that at the moment. i can get drunk on cheap wine but it's not the same. i want some fucking drugs man. i'm self conscious. i'm scared of people. i remember times when i was with a friend and having a good time, drinking beers and having chats. the memories make me wanna get drunk for some reason. when i'm drunk it becomes difficult to care about things. shit man, i'm fucking scared, i'm miserable, i wanna have good dreams and never wake up. i wanna smoke or shoot solid drugs and not wake up. i dont wanna wake up anymore. sick of reality man. shit's too hard, it's easier to get drunk, it's easier to get high and not think thoughts. thoughts make this shit hard. i'm scared and i wanna be on drugs all the time. i don't have the money to buy anything good, just grog, and grog makes me miserable. shit man this shit's pathetic, i know ****s who read this think this ****'s sad and pathetic. fair enough, i'm a drink some more wine and maybe get unconscious.
     
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