I hate myself. *bad words* *triggering?*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Shadowplay, Jun 14, 2007.

  1. Shadowplay

    Shadowplay Staff Alumni

    I list of complaints against myself:

    I hate myself.

    I cannot forgive myself for losing her, but thats just the newest thing.
    There are so many mistakes, stupid shit I've done or said that I will never forgive myself for, no matter how long I live.

    Dear stomach, fuck you. I appreciate so much all the shit you put me thought. Yay for vomiting everything you eat, when its not like I even want to. That would be one thing, then I would say good job stomach, yay for you. But thats not the case now is it? you vomit out my food and sometimes my blood. I just wanna reach down my fucking throat and rip the mother fucker out! I'm ever so fucking sorry for what ever I did to you to, but please let it go? you're fucking killing me man.

    I hate how utterly fucked up I am. be fore i sold it I used to hold an empty gun to my head and convince myself it was loaded, and pull the trigger, just to prove I could do it if I really needed to, and it made me smile every time. I constantly dream about killing myself. every single night. And you know what? I'm always disappointed in the morning. I dream about how she'd react and about how it would be for my little girl to grow up with me out of the way, where i couldn't disappoint her, fail her, or anything like that. Shes always happy in my dreams. Thats how I want her. and those two are just the tip of the fucking ice burg ice burg.

    I hate my emotional instablility. PICK A FUCKING MOOD AND STICK WITH ASSHOLE. Sometimes I cannot cry or be emotionally effected by anything, including other peoples plights, and other times the smallest thing will set me off balling my eyes out.

    I hate myself on the fucking meds. As if i weren't fucking stupid enough, they make me even dumber. I have trouble with simple math problems and other such things.

    I can't get her out of my fucking head. Please oh please leave me alone. I don't wanna love you anymore, I thought I didn't, and now it turns out I do. and whats worse is she fucking hates me.

    I hate myself for being so fucking skinny. its pitiful I weigh about the same as your average teenage girl. fucking weak.

    Im sure there is more shit i'll think of later and wish i'd put in, but I need to go shower. Then i'll go back to being fake me for you all. :)

    I hate myself,

    - kurt
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2007
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Mistakes make us who we are no matter how much they hurt and how much you regret them. They will haunt us but they are a part of you. Mistakes are in the past also, hun, try not to let them run your life and control you.

    Dear Kurts stomach, please stop hurting him. Stop being a pain..if I could I'd make you stop but alas I am no doctor and I am no miracle worker. Dear Kurts tummy..let him eat and let it stay down..he needs his food as much as you do. Dumb stomach :whack:

    I'm glad you sold the gun because I wouldn't want you to go through with that even if you really could do it. Your daughter would not be better off without you just so you know. i've told you this before she'd grow up wondering why her daddy had to leave her. No child should have to suffer that loss even if you think it would be better for her. I don't think it would and I'm sure even in her little mind she'd agree with me.

    Sometimes you can't control the mood you are in. It comes and goes in waves Kurt. I know you hate your meds, but do you think being on them could help stabalize the mood swings at all?? It could help to even them out or even stop them completely.

    As for her, you can't control love and you can't just turn it off even if you want to. Hopefully in time if oyu want that feeling gone it will diminish and you will be able to move on. :hug:

    Dear Kurts stomach let him fuckin' eat so he doesn't feel like he's skinny like a teenage girl. And btw Kurt I don't think you are too skinny. I think you are fine just the way you are whether you see it or not. And as for being fake..you know damn well you DO NOT have to be fake for people, just be you even if it's not happy happy sugar coated all the time. Id rather have the real you than some fake happy version of you.

    oh and just so you know hun

    I :wub: you Nirvana Spice
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: kurtz.. I wish I could offer you something more than what I'm going to, but right now I'm dunno what else to say, but I can say, we all make mistakes, we're all human, I'm glad you sold that gun, your daughter wouldn't be better off without you. And about being fake, you don't need to be fake around anyone, being yourself is better than being some happy, peppy, sunshine and rainbows type of person. :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kurt i know how much you struggle with all the changes happening in your life right now. Your daughter does need you to help her grow and watch her as she matures into a fine young woman with your guidance. I know you don't like being on your meds, but you know how much worse you felt when you were off of them. Could some of your stomach problems be related to stress? I also know that with a sensitive stomac alchol has an adverse reaction, so you need to steer away from that. You have worked so hard and come so far. Do not let this get you now. hang in there fender. Take care hun. :hug:
  5. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    this biggest disapointment in a childs life is for their parents to kill themselves.. to not be there for them..

    I admire you so much kurt..
  6. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to say, kells already said it. I wish you could see yourself like I do. You're an amazing and beautifull person, so much more btw. But that will be pages long. You dont have to be fake for us. I dont want you to feel like you need to be fake. You can just be yourself with me and tell me everything. Wish I could do more, but I'm here for you.
    *lots of huggles*
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Kurt
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I remember we talked about the stomach problems in chat the other day. Its a fucking bitch tbh, it makes you feeel so "off". It makes me feel nausous. I dont vomit up like you do though, for me it just makes me feel sick, bloated, and im sure it makes me feel more tired. Im worried about how you talk about vomiting blood Kurt, that isnt good. Im sure youve seen docs about this, but please get as many opinions as you can about it.

    Im glad you got rid of that fucking gun, you dont need to have that lying around when you think about suicide as much as you do. You have a beautiful daughter Kurt, you need to imagine what it will be like watching her grow up. It will bring you the happiest moments of your life without a doubt. As fucked as things are, thats one thing you have to focus on to drive your forward

    Its hell when you care for someone and realise that things are so sour you think she hates you, I know that feeling, but you went through some difficult times together, there are wounds which will take some to heal. I really hope you guys can come together in some way again, at least as friends, but if that cant happen you have a lot to offer someone Kurt, its gonna take some time, but im sure there will be other people in your life that can bring that love back again, the love we all need. Your a creative, caring guy, theyll be no shortage of people interested in being that someone special im sure.

    Your weight problem would be a lot better if you could get your stomach sorted, thats why you should see as many docs as possible about it, I know its fucking expensive, especially in the U.S, but if you can eat again, and keep it down, your weight will pick up, then you might have the energy to do some light gym work, and get a little bit bigger, feel better about yourself.

    Take care, and hang in there ok.