I hate myself because im a coward

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Aug 18, 2007.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Im the worse kind of coward. The type that never even starts. Ive hidden from every responsibility and challenge in my life. I fold under a ounce of adversity. Im a mental midget and Ill never know the meaning of strength. I have no friends, noone, nothing.

    I read about people who have committed suicide alot. To me its one of the most profound decisions a person can make. I envy most of them. I feel patragnized when people tell me to hold on to something as tedious and hollow as hope. After awhile you have to resign to fate. I dont like being so absolute but I am what I am. And I hate it intensely. Ive wanted to die for a long time. But I know I could never do it. No matter how bad things have gotten. No matter how dark my life is, I could never do it. Because im a coward. I dont have "it". Whatever it is inside a person that make them cross that line. People think suicides are selfish and are taking the easy way out. Since when was dying so easy. I think it takes immense courage to take your own life. Courage I dont have. Courage I wish I had. I hate myself so much.

    I truly am trapped. Trapped in this life, this mind and this body and there isnt really a way out. I dont know if there has ever been a person born in this world more meaningless than me. Why cant i just die. It would be the greatest gift life ever gave me.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I've had those thought of Suicide countless times i don't know if it's whether being a coward,having that belief of wanting to live,or just plain scared to attempt.But it also take's courage I guess to be strong and not attempt in a way,I do know what you're saying however,when you feel so down it's really hard to believe thing's can improve but they can.
  3. LonelyKid

    LonelyKid Well-Known Member

    I recently had the first experience with actually being scared that i might commit suicide... its a completely different feeling than thinking about it. Thinking about it was so much miles away from that feeling of going through with it. When i thought about it I was getting conflicting feelings of wanting to hope but being pessimistic of the way things would unfold. After my experience I realized I wasnt being a coward i was being hopeful that I could improve my life, that things'd get better. I think.
  4. I can't help but join this forum and post my reply based on what you wrote. Here is my opinion.

    People who commit suicide based on their personal pain are cowards. While the decision may be considered "profound," a more profound decision is to continue on. They cannot confront that pain, therefore they do the only thing they (think) know how and end their life - only THINKING that the pain will cease. How do you, or anyone else know that the pain will cease? Did you ever think that it will only get worse once you are dead? That FACT is, none of us know.

    In my opinion, those who live life in pain and make it through are the TRUE heroes of the human race - a testament to our strength. To do this, it takes a hell of a lot more than some Harvard grad making millions in life and becoming what society thinks is a "success", and more than the person who chose to "end it." The true success in life is a person who has nothing left, doing everything they can to make their life better, living until old age, and on their death bed realizing that they made it, and every damn second was worth it. THAT is TRUE courage. That is a TRUE warrior.

    I have been dead before, not by attempted suicide, but by a horrible accident that I was involved in when I was young. After that, and until this day, I have had thoughts of suicide. A lot of times, I feel just as you have stated. However, just like you, I am not a coward. I am still alive. I am a warrior. I will fight until the fucking end.

    Do the same. Never give up. Ever.

    Let the bridges that you burn in life light your way to happiness.
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    People who commit suicide based on personal despair and anguish are not cowards. Theyre ill. And in alot of ways theyre lost. Im adamantly against people who say suicide is a cowardly act. These people have confronted their pain, as have I. And in years and years of battle you realize some things my friend. You wake up some mornings trying to justify the fight. Youve danced with this demon for so long. What I and many others struggle with dealing with mental issue is something beyond my understanding and the understanding of even those whose expertise is in mental health. I can fully understand someone not wanting to let this condition or their misery rot them until the bitter, painful end. You know, personally I think there are some things worse than death. Suffering, starvation, disease, and mental illness should not be this open ended struggle.

    I respect and admire anyone who can wake up and find the strength to go on, accept and try to move forth. But do you not think that most of the people who committed suicide have? You think their first or second option was jumping off a bridge or hanging themselves? No. The fact that people commit suicide tells you that there is a limitation to human suffering. That alot of people are more severe than others and despite taking their coping resources to the maximum, some conditions and problems exceed our ability to cope with it.

    Not to be extreme but I know most of us have burned ourselves before, on a stove or something. How long do you think you can hold on to that pot before you realize you can no longer take the heat of guilt, illness, lost, depression, anxiety, etc, etc. You know how it feels to be burned. The pain is extreme and agonizing. Unbearable right? Imagine having that constant feeling inside you mentally and emotionally.

    And in the end who will remember all the nights you spent alone, or crying, or fighting when you fight til the end and show all of this strength. Were all going to die, whether its today or 40 years from now. People who take their life have lost meaning in life and themselves. So 40 more years of suffering doesnt really mean much to them if they dont feel anything can ever change and their is no worth to their existence. Tired of being depressed, tired of being ill, tired of beating your fist against a brick wall hoping it will budge just a inch. No I think people just come to a point where they say enough is enough.

    The real world, the one i live in where you have to buy your health and treatment for a expensive price. I paid a small fortune and I have exhausted every option in my life to treat my condition. I have some of the most bizarre and unexplanable afflictions. Earlier this year I just stopped. I stopped the counselling, the medication, the hospital stays. I stopped pumping money into all of that and just been running on fumes of whats left of my faith since. I think about that alot, when im nearing my last moment in this life. Would I feel I accomplished something if I stuck it out another 40 years. What would I really have acheived? To me nothing. Just 40 more years of painful memories to die with. Thats a hell of a prize. I certainly wouldnt feel so heroic. And no, its not really worth it. Noone can convince me that my life is worth living.

    I commend you to fight it and make the best out of life as you can. Your ability to accept and cope is far far beyond mine. You are probably light years ahead of me so your life is way more meaningful and worth living than mine. I am a coward however. Its ironic, im afraid to live and afraid to die. Im hoping two things. That maybe someday something catrastophic will happen to awaken me out of this condition and give me a chance at a normal and better life. Or that the pain will go to a new level of severity I never could imagine and I would have no other choice but to consider suicide. All options are on the table. I do control the switch between life and death and I can turn off the lights anytime I want. For some reason I draw comfort in that. Cos Im just glad I dont have to live forever.
  6. mlazenby

    mlazenby Member

    I've tried a few times and a few ways. I used to drink and take downers for fun. Had alcohol poisoning a few times. Slit one wrist at 17. Slit both a few years later and spent quite a few days trying to persuade the doctors it was just a cry for help. So, are you a coward? Hmmm. Life sucks in a lot of ways. Some people seem to have all the luck and some people seem to get the sh*t end of the stick.

    If you think so poorly of yourself, it is probably because you are holding yourself up to a much higher standard than the people around you.

    If you can accept that and ease up on yourself, may the good Lord bless you and keep you. I hope you will survive and be well. Personally I still think the staus quo sucks.

    All the best.

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