I hate myself for wanting to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by suicidal maniac, Jul 31, 2009.

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  1. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I hate myself becasue I can't get myself to jump. I have been on many roofs, and I can't jump. I feel like a wuss. I real man would jump. I don't feel like a real man. I feel like I'm hurting people just by staying alive. I feel I would be a good man if I jumped. Voices are telling me things that I don't belive, they are telling me things that I like when I know I don't like those things, inside I feel like I'm being torn apart because the voices are telling one tale, and my brain is telling an other. Why can't I jump, becasue of my mother, I hate my mother for keeping me alive. How can I like something when it's result is pain, maybe I'm sick? Maybe there is something wrong. The voices just keep telling me you like this? You like this? I tell them no, it's like somebody kicking your head, and then they say, oh you like that, it's ok that you like that. I feel realy weak and I'm sorry that I'm alive.
  2. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    Hey, not being able to jump is definitely a good thing. You deserve to live. And I know that there are people in your life that want you to live. Just hold out and talk to us, tell us whats wrong. We're here to help. :hugtackles:
  3. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I had gay experiences, and now I'm going gay. That's what's wrong. I had 3 gay experiences, and now I'm in pain because I like a big dick the voices tell me. I fingered myself becuase the call girls used to do that to me, and now I have attrracted guys with the fingering, keep reading it get's better. And now my neighbours think that I'm gay, because of the fingering. It's like I accidently turned myself gay. I have this constant pain in my ass, like a gay man would have. In my heart I know that I'm not gay, but how do I tell my neighbour what's going on because he keeps fucking me. Am I the most interesting poster or what, cmon be honest. I feel like I'm being sodomized for being stupid, you asked what's wrong, that's what's wrong. Don't ask if you can't handle it. I realy don't give a shit for what people think, after enduring this much pain, and this pain is the worse, I could murder somebody. So if you got something to say, just say it don't be shy.
  4. __Rawr.Tigga

    __Rawr.Tigga Well-Known Member

    Not being able to jump is good. Shows something inside you wants to live. The fact you know the voices are lying is good. Means you still have strength over them. I know its hard, but you just got to keep fighting them, and their lies. You can do it. You need to live. You are not weak.

    Talk to us, we'll can try and help you through ok? :hug: We will listen.

    *~Take Care and Keep Strong~*
  5. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I just don't understand how one man can suffer so much and another doesn't. Sure it's going to get better later, when I have a good job and money, and don't want a good job and money, I want a girl with no or little money and a crapy job. Don't tell me about how Jesus suffered becasue he only realy suffered when for like what a couple of days, give it 2 weeks the most. That's why I don't belive in god. Oh he had to carry the cross tough, he shouldn't have been such a weakling. I dont' understand why people look up to somebody so weak. It's like they like him because he is worse then them. He is the saviour because he shows me that his live is worse then mine. Well my life is worse then his. Think about it he didn't work, just walked around talking to people, what a lazy bum. Mabye if he was smarter he would have lived, but no his dady will save him, well he didn't. I hate religion.
  6. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    There's one thing I keep in mind that pretty much explains why some people have it better than others, why some suffer so much more than others:

    "Nothing in this life is entitled to you."

    My chemistry teacher in high school said that. He came from a family of poor farmers and he raised the money on his own to go to Cornell. I wish I was that smart, but it basically means that everything you get in life isn't really something you just get because you're you.... you're either already priveleged to have it, or you have to work hard to get it. I keep that in my mind all the time, for some reason it calms me down. It explains why my family and friends don't contact me, and why my financial situation is very stressful. But for you, just keep in mind that your life is created by the efforts you put in to change it. I think the people who have suffered the most have the greatest potential for changing this world, and I am inspired by the strength of the people I see on SF, I don't find it anywhere else. It has nothing to do with religion, or any other human being. Surviving is something that's worth doing for yourself.
  7. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

  8. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    Yes it is yours. All yours. What will you do with it?
  9. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I will have sex with it.
  10. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    It's kinda funny how sex is making you confused but you wanna have sex with the world? Ha.

    Anyway, there is nothing wrong with being gay, or bi. It's life. And if you don't like gays...you hate religion and the bible does not accept gays. So theres something to think about.

    And real men DON'T jump. Real men take the pain and live. Real men care about the people they love and live for them. Real men will change their lives for the better.
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