i hate myself for what i've done

[markie ques.]

I have done so many unforgivable things in my past to people that I loved. they hurt just so I could relieve some stress. They let me put them down so that I could feel good. They let me hurt them so that I could feel okay. But i didn't realize that these things weren't okay!! I thought I was doing something right for once!!! They ended up leaving me for somebody better than me in every way and i don't even get a drop of attention or affection out of them EVEN THOUGH I have devoted my own life to making it better... but I dont deserve it. They dont care if i wake up dead in the morning...and frankly, neither do I.

 

[Walker]

You know, sometimes things seem a lot more harsh when you're young, you know? Most anything is forgivable and I doubt you've done anything in your short life that is on the short list of things that aren't. Hurting people in this world is an inevitable unfortunate thing. All you can do it take note, apologize, try not to do it again and then move on from it. People can and do care if you don't wake up tomorrow, I promise you that. Do your parents know how you're feeling? Can you talk to them about it?

 

[markie ques.]

Ah, of course.. I knew that revealing my age on this site would cause people to treat me like I'm too young to understand the concept of love, sadness, and suicide. Just because I am "young" and my life has been short doesn't mean that all of those thirteen years havn't been filled with abandonment, drugs, molestation, trust issues, violence, etc...
I am much more mentally matured than people see with a first glance. Don't mistake me, I understand that you were trying to help but please be a little more sensitive next time.

 

[Walker]

Nah, I'm not saying that "because you're young you don't know what's what"... not at all. What I'm saying is that you have valid feelings BUT that also, this is only the beginning of the road in this life. Whatever has gone is isn't shit that people aren't able to forgive you for. Are you a serial killer? Somehow I think not. You're gonna be ok if you can get through these years with some semblance of order. I'm not disregarding your feelings because of your age, I'd never do that. Shit, sometimes 13 is like 20 and sometimes it's like 10. None of us know which one is which when someone logs on so we just go with whatever ya write, you know? But even if you were *twenty* I'd still be telling you the same thing, see?

 

[markie ques.]

Okay, now i understand

 

[Walker]

Do you want to say what you feel like has happened in life that your family (or friends.. or whoever) can't forgive? Or that is so terrible you feel like you can't get past? You don't have to, certainly. That's your business You're here to share as much or as little as you want to. You can talk and vent or you can mostly read along. It's all up to you. We're just glad you're here.