I hate myself. I really really hate myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thepainwithin, Apr 18, 2009.

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  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I know you all probably don't wanna hear sob stories but I need some place to let it all out.

    I can remember my first thought of suicide, I was 11 in the 6th grade. I was never a very popular kid in school even though I always wanted to be. I was never the guy who got all the girls and I never had very many friends. I tried my hardest to be a normal guy that people liked even if it was just friendly. Middle school was the best two years of my life, I made so many knew friends and girls started to notice me and I just shrugged off the girls on the bus that sat next to my friends and said I followed them around. My first relationship was good. I remember my first kiss, my first touch, my first date everything, she was perfect. I was 14 and she was 13, we were young and I didn't know what I was getting myself into. We broke up a month later and I was so torn up over everything. She wouldn't talk to me, she wouldn't listen to me she wouldn't do anything. 8 months later she started going out with my best friend. My best friend has got with every girl I have ever liked. I didn't know why this was all happening to me, I lost my girlfriend and my best friend and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I started to cut.

    The cutting wasn't bad, it wasn't really meant to be suicidal, it was red scratches that got people over worried, when all I wanted was some attention. The second to last day of my freshman year was the last day I was ever truly happy and had a good life. These two girls in my class told the teacher I was cutting and he told the school counseler. She didn't do anything but make things worse. She wouldn't listen to anything I said, she said she was just here to help even though all she did was call my mom and make her cry. School got out the next day and the fighting started.

    I'm suicidal. But I don't have the balls to do it. Every day since the day my mom found out I cut myself it has been nothing but hell. That was when I was 14. Now I am 18, almost 19. She gets over worried. She couldn't keep it from my dad and that got him over worried. My parents have fought every day since they found out I cut myself. They fight with me, they fight with eachother, and it's all because of me. I was depressed over my first girlfriend for 2 1/2 years, even though I had 2-3 other girlfriends between that. My mom doesn't understand I just want to be left alone.

    When I was 17, I started smoking pot. It was the only thing in the world that killed the pain. I was good at keeping it a secret until my mom found my piece one day. Over course she freaked out "pot will kill you, don't you know what that does to you, oh my god I can't believe you would do that to me". Pot was the only thing that helped me. I've been on Celexa, talked to two counselors, tried meditation, writing, music, but nothing works to calm my mind. I don't sleep at night. Pot puts me to sleep.

    I went to an out of state college last semester and I hated every second of it. I'm not very good at making friends, I'm shy and like to keep to myself, and it doesn't help one bit that my room mate would goes hours on end with out talking to me. I ate alone in the cafeteria everyday after class even if my room mate was 3 tables down from me eating with his friends. My 2 friends from down the hall stopped talking to me and I don't know why. What made things worse is I had another girlfriend since junior year in high school. I loved her and we would always talk about going away to college, she was 2 grades younger, but only a year and 3 months younger. She would always ask me how long it would take for me to get over her and if I would move on. She would get pissed when I said 2 months. When I left for college, she was with another guy in 2 weeks. She also had sex with my (new) best friend. She and my friend would always make fun of me for being lonely at college, for not having any friends, for not being able to meet any girls. It killed me inside. I tried so hard to make friends. I tried to join a fraternity, but the guys were such jackasses. The first new kid I ever met wouldn't even stand up for me when one of his other frat brothers were making fun of me for taking my shoes off at a party. He said I looked like a f**king idiot.

    College was hard on it. It reminded me of being alone, away from my friends and being depressed.

    I regret coming home form college everyday. I hate my mom. I hate the way my parents won't leave me alone. I hate myself for blowing the perfect opportunity to get out of this state and away from this. Since I've been home I got arrested for smoking weed, my ex manager wants to take me to court because I made fun of her, and my parents call me a disappointment everyday. A month ago my dads best friends 2 sons died of drug overdoses, heroin over doses. My mom told my dad she thought I would be dead in 3 years at this rate. I have never smoked rock, never shot up, never snorted a line, never done meth or anything except for weed. Weed isn't going to kill me, it's the same exact thing as tobacco with less additives and addictive ingredients. My mom told my dad she thought I was going to die.

    I can't handle life anymore. I just can't. I don't sleep at night, I always think of everything wrong in my life because thoughts rip through my head that I can't control. I'm not a f**k up. I'm not. I want to leave home but I've been turned down for 16 jobs. There is a 50% chance I'll go to jail for 93 days.

    I break down crying at random times because there is just so much stress on me. I'm the youngest of 3, and an only son. Things eat at me like, why do all my friends have older brothers but not me, why do I always wish I was a girl, am I gay?

    I don't know what's wrong with me.

    I have no friends, no girlfriend, no family. I ask God everyday to either just take me or fix me, and he won't, and I can't handle it anymore. I can't get into the college I want to get into, and I really don't wanna go to any other college, I've thought about the army, but I don't know. I'm failing an online class because the professor lives in Houston and speaks Spanish.

    Everyday I pray for a girl to come into my life to make me happy. I've been turned down by so many girls I have just given up.

    I don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm leaving something out.
  2. katmandu1

    katmandu1 SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend

    Welcome to the forum. I really do feel your pain and I'm glad you were able to come in here and post all that you have. That was very brave of you! Your parents sound like they are more afraid of losing you than anything else and unfortunately what they are doing is making you feel worse! They are at a loss and just don't know what to do, other than blame you for your illness.

    Are you seeing a therapist or counsellor now? If not, I highly recomend it. You could even have a few sessions with your family so that they could become a support.

    You will meet many people in here that have similar problems and get some of the support you need. Most important...keep talking!!! :hug:

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