I hate myself, I want to die and I feel alone

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by throwawayHate, Feb 18, 2013.

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  1. throwawayHate

    throwawayHate New Member

    Hello guys and girls... It's time for me to write here I guess. It was all good, but it seems like I can't take it any longer.

    At first, sorry if my English will sometimes be not understandable. This is due to the fact that it is not my native language, but I'll try as hard as I can that you can understand it.

    Well, I start at the very beginning with introducing myself. I'm am a 20 year old male, currently studying abroad. I "suffer" under depressions since an early age of about 13 or 14 years. I wrote suffer in quotation marks, because I don't have a therapist told me that I have depressions... What I am trying to say is that I think I suffer under depressions but I didn't have a comfirmation from a therapist yet. More to that later.

    My life was pretty "normal" till the age of 12. There were problems, yes, but the very hard part starts with the age of 12. To the years before: I'll just tell you this: I have a brother who is 2 years older than me. That for, he always got the advantages of trying things out. What I never was allowed to do, because he had done it. Furthermore I always was forced to do sports my mother wanted me to do. I had to go to Judo, swimming and more, but I always wanted to play football(soccer). Well, after 1-2 years of begging I finally got into the football team.

    I don't know if it is possible, but I think that one of my problems are in connection with my mother. I am a really demotivated person who would just lay down all day and do nothing. I think I got this from my mother, since she never worked and when she cleaned up the house I wasn't at home, because I was at kindergarten or school. When I came back she was watching television. And she watched that the whole day. I watched videos of us as childs back, and it always seemed like my mother ignored me most of the time. Well, it was all "okay", maybe I didn't even understand what feeling sad was, but then I hit the age of 12. In Germany, you have a different school system than in the U.S. You join the first school with the age of 6 and you stay there till you are 10 years old. Then you go to the second one from the age of 10 to the age of 16. The second school can be different types of schools which differs in the difficuilty and in it's future chances of getting a job. I was in the second best type of school which wasn't really hard to get in. Afterwards you can chose between 2 more schools to make a higher degree. Then you can study either on a university or a college.

    I study at a university right now, but later on that. Well, when I got in the school, it was all okay till the 2nd year on this school. I just pretend my name is Ben right now. My classmates made Anti-Ben-Campaigns which meant that they wouldn't talk to me anymore and hit me and yea, totally ignore me. This happened 4 times in these 6 years. Even on a class trip. And even a guy who I was friend with first did this too. He was new in the class and I sat next to him to help him get integrated. But he turned to the others and joined this campaign.

    I, of course, was crying then alone, because I had no friends and I didn't want to tell anyone, because that was the age, where you would get called "pussy" if you tell it. Afterwards I wished I would have told, I mean, the school time is so short, etc. I also read very much at that age, what then stopped because everybody laugehd at me for reading books. I now, can't read books. I wish I could, but I just can't.

    Then I tried to find other friends otherways, so I searched in my soccer team for that. I was the best out of 3 defenders and played everytime, but the disadvantage on this was, that the other defenders were way more popular than me, so nobody talked to me again and everyone ignored me.

    I had one best friend, who wasn't my best friend at all. He always talked shit about me behind my back, so I woulnd't get any girls. As soon as a girl was interested in me he told her how bad I am etc... I never knew this until very late age. I didn't meet with him from that time anymore of course.

    Now to some events. When I was 12, there was a girl always watching me at the football training. I watched her, too, but was too afraid to go to her. Well, we met some times, chatted really often through MSN etc. but well, never anything happend, because I was way too shy. Fast forward 4 years, I am 16 years old. I wanted to celebrate new years eve with her and a friend. So I went to her place, well, we got drunk a bit (16 is the legal age to drink her except for spirits) and well, we kissed. The problem was, that we both told each other, that we think that we are in love with each other. So I thought: Nice, I got a girlfriend. We then made out for the whole night, until we were too tired and went to sleep. The next day I woke up and saw her sitting on the computer writing with some guy. I looked and could see, that she said she had me over, but we aren't together, or she doesn't even like me, that she just took me becaues I asked...

    My heart was immedieatly crushed, so I went home, went online, because I was too shy to ask her in person, why she told him that. And she told: that she doesn't really like me. When I asked here why she kissed me then, she replied that she just wanted to see how I kiss and that she liked the way I kiss, but there would be never ever a relation ship. Though every other guy just talking shit about her back, what a slut she was - I for myself have never done that - she kept meeting with these guys but not with me.

    I then couldn't find and didn't want a girl anymore. Fast forward 3 years, to the year 2012. I had a problem with my penis, which didn't let me pull back the foreskin so I've done an op. Somehow then my sex life changed rapidly. I had about 7 one night stands in the year of 2012, and when I could talk about friends and the rest of my life, it was the best year ever in my whole life. I thought I was out of depressions, but I ain't. All these one night stands, were just one night stands, while I wanted a relation ship. They only called me if they wanted sex.

    This may sound odd in some guys mind, but I was used for sex and only called for that... I then stopped searching for sex and told the girls I wanted a relation ship and I will search for one. They then never texted me again. At christmas I wanted to go back to my home country for my vacations. I couldn't see my best friend for about 4 months because of my study abroad and I was surely happy to see him again. But then he told me that he has to go to Kosovo with the German Confederation and that one week before we could see each other... Now I won't see him for a whole year and I'm thinking about him every day. I am so depressive right now and I am drinking about 2 times a week to feel happy for just an hour, just to feel shitty for the next 5 hours. I cried, I even told my flatmates about my depressions, but I now act like I can't remember anything from that night and like I am the happiest person in the world.

    I really just wear a mask of happinness. Behind of that I'm so fucking sad, it's unbelievable. I even told a guy who I just met aobut my depressions when I was drunk. I didn't expect that, but he was very nice about it, he said he will keep it a secret and won't tell someone about it, but that I should go to a therapist and that I can come to him if I need help. I am now for 2 weeks straight depressive, and I'm sleeping every second I can, just to go into a better world. And every time I lay down on my bed I just think about suicide all the time. But I know I wouldn't do it, because I don't want that my parents die after me. But I have planned that I will commit suicide if my life won't change after my parents died.

    Well, now about therapist. I went 2 times to a therapist, and the time I was talking to him - I hate talking about my problems. I can't look people in the eyes when I am talking about that. It feels just wrong - Well, the therapist just laughed all the time. Well, he didn't laugh about me, that's for sure, but he laughed like: everything is allright, we are all happy.

    But I ain't happy. And I don't want to go back to the therapist, because I'm afraid of the medicine he may give me. Also a female friend of me is in therapy and she said, that it can be possible, that the therapist gets a judge who then will force you to go into therapy.

    Ok, I have 1,500 words left, so I'll keep it short. When I look back to my family, all I can remember is how my parents and my brother are arguing. My brother started taking drugs with the age of 12, and dealing with the age of 14. He had never money, always borrowed from me, never gave it back to me and hit me when I would talk to my parents about it.

    He hit me and laughed at the same moment. The pot just destroyed his brain completely. He also threatened my own mother with a knife to get 20 bucks. When I look back and try to remember, all I can see is how my brother insults my mother or me, make my mother cry, my mother also had a mental breakdown because of that stuff. He didn't care. He was now in jail for 6 months but he still continues to deal drugs and takes them.

    The problem is I don't think that my mom doesn't love me, or that she hates me. But I think, that she gives me the feel that she hates me so much and I don't think she would like me when I wouldn't be her son. So all the love she has for me are just mother feelings, this isn't true love.

    I just feel so alone, I don't have any friends at all, I don't have a love life. I didn't get loved onced in my whole life. I don't want to sound vain, but I look good. I am neat and I care about my body, I can even cook really good. I just don't know why nobody loves or likes me. I really don't know. I don't want that. As I said, I don't want to sound vain with saying that, but I think this has also a bit self-esteem to do with.

    Cooking and my looks are the only things I got left of self-esteem.
    But my love life is stll broken. I feel so alone, I don't want casual sex. I want a girl to hug, to go out with, to live with, to feel with, just to be together and make the stupid things pairs do. I want to pay for her meals, I want to take her out, I want to cook with her.... But this ain't happening. I'm too shy to talk to girls. When I'm in a club, and I'm dancing and a girl is coming over to me, I just turn around and dance next to her, I really, really, really know that she wants to dance with me, but I'm too shy to dance with her. I hate myself for that.

    TL;DR: My family life is broken, my friend life is broken, my sex life is broken, my relation ship life is broken, I am broken. I. Am. Alone
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your difficulties. I am also sorry to say that there is a solution that you are very clear on already and you insist you will not do. Your issues boil down to you cannot talk to anybody to get help with your problems and you cannot solve your problems yourself.

    Go to a therapist and find out what is actually wrong instead of trying to self diagnose. The best psychiatrist in the world cannot evaluate themselves accurately - neither can you with no training.

    Talk and share here, for best advice ask about a specific situation to get ideas on how to handle it or different viewpoints on specific situations.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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