I hate myself, my life and I want to die

[wrestlepack]

I hate my life and almost everything about it. I want to die, but I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I know I would disappoint my family, but everyone has a breaking point. At some point I will be unable to live my life just to keep others happy. It's not a matter of "if," but "when" I finally do it. I feel like I'll get the courage when my parents are gone. My brothers will be upset, but they have their own lives and can deal with it.

I really just want to end it all but I'm too cowardly. My desire to stop living is greater than my desire to live.

 

[GaiaMischief]

I hear you man. This is how I've been feeling for the past three years. The only thing I have to live for these days is temporary highs. Sometimes I can stay happy long enough for it to be worth it before I come crashing back down. I try to remember that suicide is a permanent solution for what are likely temporary problems. Try to look at it from that perspective, and it might help.

What problems are you facing that makes you feel this way, if I may ask?

 

[wrestlepack]

I never liked that expression, that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That sounds like a good thing; like a vaccine for depression. If I could permanently solve every temporary problem, I would.

No major problems in parcticular, no debts or girlfriend or anything like that, just hate my life. Just have nothing to live for, feel empty all the time. No social life.

 

[GaiaMischief]

The point of the saying is that there's always hope of overcoming even the toughest of obstacles. Always a chance of finding happiness no matter how bleak things are. Death steals all of those hopes away.

I understand what you mean by feeling empty. How long have you been feeling like this? Have you ever felt there was a chance you could find meaning to your life?

 

[wrestlepack]

Since I was about 16, so about five years now. I went on meds for a couple months about two years ago but they didn't do anything. My doctor was annoying so I lied and told him they were working and I was feeling better. I stopped taking them and stopped seeing him. I never liked the idea of taking pills to trick my brain into thinking life is worth living anyway. Relying on pills to give you motivation to live isn't an existence I want.

 

[GaiaMischief]

I agree with you 100%. I tried taking anti depressants for a week and they made me sick to my stomach. I also heard horror stories about the effects it can have on your sex drive and weight. In the end, if my body is naturally rejecting these drugs, why should I be forcing them on myself to gain an unnatural sense of happiness?

Five years is definitely a long time to be dealing with these kinds of feelings...imo it shows a lot of courage that you've persevered for so long. I know that life can seem bleak but happiness is always something worth fighting for. I'm not an idealist by any means, I acknowledge the world is a shitty place, but if there's even a small chance of you finding satisfaction in your life isn't it worth persevering for a bit longer?

 

[wrestlepack]

I don't know, is it? Is it worth trying to trudge through all the shit when there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel? There's no guarantee of happiness. I would say it's very unlikely, if not impossible at this point.

I am more interested in finding what's on the other side. Even eternal nothingness would be better than my current state. The only difference between the two is consciousness. I know that if I do though, I will ruin my parents' lives. My siblings would get over it, my parents never would.

 

[Stranger1]

I know what you mean!! There is nothing about myself that I like. I know how it is to sit on the sidelines and watch all the pretty people go about there buisness.
I have made a total F---ed up. So my dreams went down the drain. I had all the material things like my own home, a brand new truck, a good job that I made pretty good money. I was right on the verge of having my nervous breakdown. I od'd and woke up the next day. I was alreay in the process of moving out because my fiance was f---ing two different guys. I was just about done moving out when she showed up at the house. She started telling me she wasn't with anyone and she ended up in the hospital because she od'd.She asked me if I could fogive her, I thought it over for about two minutes and told her nope I will never be able to trust you again.
As far as wanting to die. That has been with me since I was a kid. I never liked myself because we were moving all the time and I had no friends. So I would stay in my bedroom and play with my toys...:chopper:

 

[wrestlepack]

That's pretty much what I do. I exercise, but when I'm not doing that, it's sitting by myself online. That's the extent of my life.

 

[peacegirl]

I truly understand how easy it is to give up. I have become reclusive due to an illness (chronic fatigue), which causes me to feel very lonely. I've become such a loner. I never was like this. Loneliness is the worst feeling and when I feel this way my thoughts turn dark. By evening my mood is so low, I must get up and go for a drive which helps a little bit. It stops the incessant thoughts. This in turn helps to lift my mood. I can't believe the difference in how I feel, and I am so very grateful for knowing what I must do when I feel this bad, for I know that once I get into a deep depression it will that much harder to lift myself out of. My mother who is my best friend won't be with me much longer. She has a terminal illness and the thought of her leaving this earth is crushing me. She lives with me now (she was living with a caregiver) and I am watching her go downhill on a daily basis, but I'd rather have her with me than in a nursing home because she wouldn't survive. Healing the body begins with the mind, and she needs to be around family to have any chance of extending her life. Isn't it ironic that someone 85 who is so frail wants to live, yet so many young people want to take their lives. It's hard to grasp sometimes. I know I will have to reach out to others once she is gone, no matter how difficult it feels. Otherwise, I'll sit in front of the computer for a social life for the rest of my life, which will never meet my emotional needs because we all need human contact.