I hate myself when it's quiet..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DiSpOSaBLeTeEn15, Dec 1, 2013.

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  1. DiSpOSaBLeTeEn15

    DiSpOSaBLeTeEn15 New Member

    My whole life has been some sort of joke to everyone. I feel like I'm being made fun of all the time. Since I was younger. I struggled with learning my whole entire life. I was always a few steps behind every one. But no one ever noticed. I tried to learn the way my dad tried to bring me up but something always triggered "try it for yourself" causing me to screw up a lot of good opertunitys for myself. I've been through more the last year and a half than I did my whole life. January of 2012 I suffered a miscarriage, causing me to turn to drinking. Later in the year I got arrested for a DUI. But that didn't stop me. I got another one in 2013. My license has been gone over a year and I keep getting caught driving while revoked. Call me a fucking idiot seriously, I know I've heard it. But what are you supposed to do when no one in your pathetic life will help you out so you can at least get to work? To make almost minimum wage to pay fines you can't even begin to pay because before you get one, you get another. That's not the only reason I want to end my life, not even close. Every year I go through this depression stage and I got help 2 times before but nothing helps. I can't afford to get treatment either. I just keep on truckin through life, but nothing seems to get better, I mean they do, for a short while, then it's back to shit. I've changed my thinking so many times and nothing helps. I've tried to be positive I really have. But when your 22 and you can't seem to see a future for yourself because every decision you make seems to be the wrong one, hope is lost. I've never felt so alone in my life. My dad has always been there for me to guide me but I feel like he's kinda wanted to walk away too just like everyone else. He's there but not like he used to be. I just can't, physically or emotionally do anything alone. I'm alone. All i want is somebody to LOVE me and mean it. But i force everyone away as soon as they try to open to me. Or I want to open up to them, I shut off. Completely. I don't know why I'm even writing here because it's not like someone is gunna "save me" or help me "save myself" there's really no point at all to this. I hate myself when it's quiet and lately it's been too quiet.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your dad may be not knowing how to help you hun wants to but does not know how. You need someone professional to help you someone that is not so close and can see things more clearly hugs
     
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