i know that how people treat you in life doesn't exactly reflect the kind of person you are. like if someone leaves you or abuses you, that's not supposed to mean your just a worthless piece of trash, right? but if it keeps happening over and over again, doesn't that prove that your worthless? i was always dumped growing up, and put in foster care and children's homes. i actually was a very mild mannered and shy kid, and always stayed out of trouble, i still am except no body likes my shyness, no one ever did while i was growing up. its like if you're a good person, always respectful, polite, generous etc people hate you even more, like its a bad thing. im sot saying im perfect, but some of these qualities are just how i am, i see no reason not to be this way.my ex 7 years ago left me, complained that i wasn't social enough, he even screamed at me for it. its always been that way with everyone Ive gotten close to. im the quiet, artistic, shy, wallflower and everyone hates me for it. now ive developed a persona when im around people, i pretend to be sociable and outgoing, i start the conversations, keep a smile on my face, always find reasons to keep myself talking. and everyone likes it. i hate it cause its not real. i have no close friends cause they dont know who i really am, and if they did, would they even like me? so now every day i think it becomes a habit to say in my head and sometimes out loud, " i hate myself i want to die" over and over and over again. ive done this so much that its automatic. every day. i just want one person to like me for who i am because i have no one to talk to. yeah lots and lots of people talk to the sociable outgoing me, but not the shy, quiet, wallflower. sometimes i wonder what would happen if i just broke down and let everyone know. i just want to be myself, its too hard to keep up an act that is a stark contrast to my real nature. i hate myself because everyone else hated me, always found something wrong with me, dumb things that dont even matter, like wearing black, or not liking the mall, or just being too quiet. who the hell cares, and why should i? where are they and their opinions now?