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I hate myself

#1
I can't even be bothered to go to the bathroom anymore. I haven't washed my teeth in a while. I feel like every inch of my body is rotting away.
I never know how to explain what I'm feeling when someone asks me what is wrong. If I ever say something, I just feel instant regret because I know that even if they know what is wrong they wouldn't know how to help me and that will only hurt them, so what's the use in that.
Lately I can't even hide how miserable I am. It's exhausting. I'm just too tired to fight.

What I wish my brother knew what I meant when I finally said to him how much I hate myself:

I hate my body, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I can't show people love, I hate how I can't be loved, I hate the way I talk, walk, breathe, cry, I hate how I'm not satisfied with what I have, I hate how selfish I am, I hate my face when I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate my eyes and how they can't lie, I hate my dry lips and how I keep them shut the whole time, I hate my voice when it cracks and how silent it can be, I hate how afraid I am of change, I hate how weak I am, I hate how dependant I am on others, I hate when I let myself be hurt by others, I hate even more when I hurt them, I hate my emotions, I hate my cold hands and how they keep me away from holding the warmth of other hands, I hate how much I avoid the sun and leaving my room, I hate how useless I feel, I hate my feet and how heavy they are when I try to leave, I hate how I can't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I hate how my body is never enough, I hate my chest and the weak heart inside it, I hate my thighs and how deep my scars are, I hate the pain that comes with them, I hate how disgusting my skin is and how it's imperfections are like thorns sticking out only to keep everyone away, I hate the way it feels when I touch it, I hate how I can't be bothered to tell you all this instead of three words that came out of my mouth like it was nothing at all to begin with. But mostly I hate how I made a distance between you and me, because since that day you never asked me anything again.

And now I know what not to say.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this.

Some people have a hard time giving support to others, so maybe that's the case with your brother. Do you want to say more about what happened?

A lot of things that you hate yourself may be things that you can change. The things you can't change, you may be able to stop hating.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#3
I can't even be bothered to go to the bathroom anymore. I haven't washed my teeth in a while. I feel like every inch of my body is rotting away.
I never know how to explain what I'm feeling when someone asks me what is wrong. If I ever say something, I just feel instant regret because I know that even if they know what is wrong they wouldn't know how to help me and that will only hurt them, so what's the use in that.
Lately I can't even hide how miserable I am. It's exhausting. I'm just too tired to fight.

What I wish my brother knew what I meant when I finally said to him how much I hate myself:

I hate my body, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I can't show people love, I hate how I can't be loved, I hate the way I talk, walk, breathe, cry, I hate how I'm not satisfied with what I have, I hate how selfish I am, I hate my face when I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate my eyes and how they can't lie, I hate my dry lips and how I keep them shut the whole time, I hate my voice when it cracks and how silent it can be, I hate how afraid I am of change, I hate how weak I am, I hate how dependant I am on others, I hate when I let myself be hurt by others, I hate even more when I hurt them, I hate my emotions, I hate my cold hands and how they keep me away from holding the warmth of other hands, I hate how much I avoid the sun and leaving my room, I hate how useless I feel, I hate my feet and how heavy they are when I try to leave, I hate how I can't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I hate how my body is never enough, I hate my chest and the weak heart inside it, I hate my thighs and how deep my scars are, I hate the pain that comes with them, I hate how disgusting my skin is and how it's imperfections are like thorns sticking out only to keep everyone away, I hate the way it feels when I touch it, I hate how I can't be bothered to tell you all this instead of three words that came out of my mouth like it was nothing at all to begin with. But mostly I hate how I made a distance between you and me, because since that day you never asked me anything again.

And now I know what not to say.
Your brother might not understand what you are going through. It can be either he is processing the words you said or he is reminded of something, even deep down. I think you love your brother as you are bothered by the distance between you and him and the embarrassment you felt when telling him you hated yourself.

Don't take this serious, though because I'm bad at reading people, especially in real life. What important is you and how much you need love right now. I cannot change your thought on how you view yourself but I can tell you this: you are loved, by someone, at somewhere, at a moment.

You are loved not because of your body, your mind, your expressions, your strength physically and mentally. You are loved because you are who you are.

For now, I hope you find the strength to get back to the bathroom and wash your teeth. It's a victory worth to be celebrate.
 

Dinolaur

Human by day, Dino by night
SF Pro
#4
Strangely, I know how you feel. I go through phases of not feeling like enough, where I end up neglecting myself with teeth brushing and showering or even eating. I also know exactly how you feel with how much you hate certain aspects of your body, but, I think that’s common, I think everyone has atleast one thing they hate about themselves. For me, it’s my belly, my gut, whatever you wanna call it, I don’t like my back rolls either, but I’ve made a decision, and currently I’m on day 9 of doing it, which is calorie counting because I am sick of looking at someone in the mirror that I don’t recognise and hate the way she looks. But what could be a small victory for you, would be just getting to the bathroom to brush your teeth and shower, or take a long hot bubble bath with a bath bomb or if you haven’t got one, treat yourself to one, they’re amazing. Atleast for now, lots and lots of bubbles and just soak and feel the pleasure of the bath run over you. You need to do something that’s going to make you feel good :)
Going back to your brother, I’m going to echo what the others have said. Maybe he doesn’t understand what you’re going through, or he’s embarrassed because he doesn’t understand. I’m sure he loves you, maybe sit with him and find something you have in common with him and bond over it :) x
 

Thauoy

Well-Known Member
#5
I can't even be bothered to go to the bathroom anymore. I haven't washed my teeth in a while. I feel like every inch of my body is rotting away.
I never know how to explain what I'm feeling when someone asks me what is wrong. If I ever say something, I just feel instant regret because I know that even if they know what is wrong they wouldn't know how to help me and that will only hurt them, so what's the use in that.
Lately I can't even hide how miserable I am. It's exhausting. I'm just too tired to fight.

What I wish my brother knew what I meant when I finally said to him how much I hate myself:

I hate my body, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I can't show people love, I hate how I can't be loved, I hate the way I talk, walk, breathe, cry, I hate how I'm not satisfied with what I have, I hate how selfish I am, I hate my face when I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate my eyes and how they can't lie, I hate my dry lips and how I keep them shut the whole time, I hate my voice when it cracks and how silent it can be, I hate how afraid I am of change, I hate how weak I am, I hate how dependant I am on others, I hate when I let myself be hurt by others, I hate even more when I hurt them, I hate my emotions, I hate my cold hands and how they keep me away from holding the warmth of other hands, I hate how much I avoid the sun and leaving my room, I hate how useless I feel, I hate my feet and how heavy they are when I try to leave, I hate how I can't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I hate how my body is never enough, I hate my chest and the weak heart inside it, I hate my thighs and how deep my scars are, I hate the pain that comes with them, I hate how disgusting my skin is and how it's imperfections are like thorns sticking out only to keep everyone away, I hate the way it feels when I touch it, I hate how I can't be bothered to tell you all this instead of three words that came out of my mouth like it was nothing at all to begin with. But mostly I hate how I made a distance between you and me, because since that day you never asked me anything again.

And now I know what not to say.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Hey @Mrtva_sam I can relate to a lot of the things you say. I have to work at self-love. It does become easier the more you practice. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 

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