I can't even be bothered to go to the bathroom anymore. I haven't washed my teeth in a while. I feel like every inch of my body is rotting away.
I never know how to explain what I'm feeling when someone asks me what is wrong. If I ever say something, I just feel instant regret because I know that even if they know what is wrong they wouldn't know how to help me and that will only hurt them, so what's the use in that.
Lately I can't even hide how miserable I am. It's exhausting. I'm just too tired to fight.
What I wish my brother knew what I meant when I finally said to him how much I hate myself:
I hate my body, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I can't show people love, I hate how I can't be loved, I hate the way I talk, walk, breathe, cry, I hate how I'm not satisfied with what I have, I hate how selfish I am, I hate my face when I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate my eyes and how they can't lie, I hate my dry lips and how I keep them shut the whole time, I hate my voice when it cracks and how silent it can be, I hate how afraid I am of change, I hate how weak I am, I hate how dependant I am on others, I hate when I let myself be hurt by others, I hate even more when I hurt them, I hate my emotions, I hate my cold hands and how they keep me away from holding the warmth of other hands, I hate how much I avoid the sun and leaving my room, I hate how useless I feel, I hate my feet and how heavy they are when I try to leave, I hate how I can't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I hate how my body is never enough, I hate my chest and the weak heart inside it, I hate my thighs and how deep my scars are, I hate the pain that comes with them, I hate how disgusting my skin is and how it's imperfections are like thorns sticking out only to keep everyone away, I hate the way it feels when I touch it, I hate how I can't be bothered to tell you all this instead of three words that came out of my mouth like it was nothing at all to begin with. But mostly I hate how I made a distance between you and me, because since that day you never asked me anything again.
And now I know what not to say.
I never know how to explain what I'm feeling when someone asks me what is wrong. If I ever say something, I just feel instant regret because I know that even if they know what is wrong they wouldn't know how to help me and that will only hurt them, so what's the use in that.
Lately I can't even hide how miserable I am. It's exhausting. I'm just too tired to fight.
What I wish my brother knew what I meant when I finally said to him how much I hate myself:
I hate my body, I hate how stupid I am, I hate how I can't show people love, I hate how I can't be loved, I hate the way I talk, walk, breathe, cry, I hate how I'm not satisfied with what I have, I hate how selfish I am, I hate my face when I smile, I hate the way I laugh, I hate my eyes and how they can't lie, I hate my dry lips and how I keep them shut the whole time, I hate my voice when it cracks and how silent it can be, I hate how afraid I am of change, I hate how weak I am, I hate how dependant I am on others, I hate when I let myself be hurt by others, I hate even more when I hurt them, I hate my emotions, I hate my cold hands and how they keep me away from holding the warmth of other hands, I hate how much I avoid the sun and leaving my room, I hate how useless I feel, I hate my feet and how heavy they are when I try to leave, I hate how I can't recognize my face when I look in the mirror, I hate how my body is never enough, I hate my chest and the weak heart inside it, I hate my thighs and how deep my scars are, I hate the pain that comes with them, I hate how disgusting my skin is and how it's imperfections are like thorns sticking out only to keep everyone away, I hate the way it feels when I touch it, I hate how I can't be bothered to tell you all this instead of three words that came out of my mouth like it was nothing at all to begin with. But mostly I hate how I made a distance between you and me, because since that day you never asked me anything again.
And now I know what not to say.