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I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MandyPandaa, Dec 22, 2007.

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  1. MandyPandaa

    MandyPandaa Member

    I'm not sure if these forums are even the right place for me, but...

    For the last six months, I feel like my life has been spiraling downward – in the case of friends. At the end of junior year, I was so happy, as even though I didn't see a lot of my friends everyday I knew they were there for me, I emailed and txted them all the time. My parents noticed how happy I was – I had so much self-confidence, they kept commenting on how mature I suddenly was.

    Then over the summer, I started losing my closest friends one by one...now none of them are left. They either have horrible disdain for me, or are too cool to be seen around me.

    1) My little sister. I would never admit to her that she was one of my closest friends, especially now. At the end of the year she suddenly got obnoxious new friends, cares about fashion and boys and everyone's opinion of her. She tells me what a loser I am daily. Makes fun of anime and things she used to watch with me, just months ago. Sometimes I really fucking hate her. She used to be the one person I would die for. I know she'll have sex and get married before I do, and she's five years younger than me. When that happens, the depression will just get so much worse.

    2) My best friend Katie. We had planned to finally meet – we were online friends – at an anime convention in September. I was stupid, jealous, didn't want her other friend to come, wanted her to be with just me – I told her so. We fought, finally I realized how stupid I was, but she still brings it up. Still hates me. Lost all respect for me, treats me like shit. I hardly speak to her anymore. I wonder what I was jealous of in the first place.

    3) Finally, Rachel. One of my best friends at the end of the year. We decided we'd get all our classes together next year – horrible idea. Now we can't stand each other...most of her time is spent avoiding me, and when it's not that, it's trying to find a way to make me feel stupid. She goes out of her WAY to find something about me that's odd so she can announce it to me, show me what an idiot I am. She got Christmas presents for everyone but me this year...

    Worst off, I can't escape it. She's in every class with me. She will be next semester...and she's going to the same college as me. I can't escape. I'm constantly being judged. Constantly.

    All my other friends I hardly see. None of them I am that close with. I've been so depressed I stay away from them, and thusly, they stay away from me. I'm alone.

    I feel like shit, and I think it's Christmas that made it worse. I've never had a Christmas where I haven't been happy, even if I'm a little sad over something it always goes away for Christmas. This won't. I'm constantly depressed, feel worse than dirt, have NO self-esteem at all. I'm not quite suicidal yet...things are that bad. But suddenly losing everything that was close to me over a six month period really took a toll on me. I'm not suicidal, I don't know if I ever will be, but it crosses my mind every day. It's almost comforting – the easy way out, if things get worse. (Is it normal to think about it this often?) But I doubt I could do it, because of my parents. Though when I think about who else would care, there's not too many. I've wasted my life, and I'm still doing it. If Amanda Bryant were gone, people would notice for a week or so, maybe a dozen people in my school. Some would probably laugh – I was only the fat girl that never talked and was painfully awkward.

    I don't know what to do, these relationships are in shambles and the more I try to regain them the worse everything gets. I just try to shove it all away, wait for Christmas to make everything better, wait for something to make everything better. But it always comes back, on early mornings like this, when I cry myself awake.

    Anyways...thanks for reading, if anyone did. I'm still not sure if these are the right forums, but they're all I could find. Have a Merry Christmas and happy new year.
  2. Snooze

    Snooze Well-Known Member

    I'll be your friend!

    You can msn me anytime you want (SnoozeJcee@hotmail.com) or something.
    Im interested in anime too so thats something to chat about and i've also been depressed lately.

    If you ever need a chat or anything ill be here for you!
  3. MandyPandaa

    MandyPandaa Member

    Thanks so much...I'll IM you sometime. ^^ You're very kind. <3
  4. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    It may sound judgmental.. but it's all just high-school drama.. that every one goes through..

    There're many "types"(although we're all unique&different individuals) of kids in high school.
    Jocks.. artsy guys, drama queen, big glasses-wearing nerds, science geeks, "popular" kids, prep girls(your sister), angry lesbians(?), kiss-ass, goth kids and cetera.
    Not everyone is going to like, appreciate or accept you.

    Do not feel ashamed of the way you feel. It is perfectly normal to sometimes feel that way.

    In my humble opinion, it looks like your life doesn't suck so bad.. you haven't wasted your life. You're doing fine.
    You just need someone who will encourage you and not judge you.

    Chances are there's nothing wrong with the anime you watch, you're not fat(just not super skinny) and you're not rude or worthless like your friends say. They might spew venom but it's only words, only little alphabets. don't let them get under your skin.

    Be nice to your friends.. and if some of them still turn on the 'bitch switch,' well, it's their loss. They'll lose many friends that way. You can move on.

    Christmas is coming.. forget the b.s and have some turkey.
    I hope my advice made a little sense.
    I hope you have a merry Christmas~
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