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I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jessikah2k8, Mar 18, 2008.

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  1. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Even though it wasn't my fault.. I feel like I can't blame anybody else.

    I was a halloween party this year, when I heard about me having sex with a man. I was struggling, I can remember him but he wouldn't let me go. I was screaming for him to leave me be.. but he didn't. I presumed that was rape.

    Anyway.. I forgot about it. I wanted to. However.. a month later I missed my period.. it was such a shock to the system I still did nothing of it. Later at new year, obviously a bit of weight had been put on. I struggled to hide it, until I started bleeding heavily and getting stomach cramps.. so I got a doctors appointment. He run some tests and was finally able to confirm I had a miscarriage.

    I was shocked more than upset. Apparently my heavy drinking which I do when I'm depressed, and antibiotics did the damage. Since then- I've been blaming myself. I feel completely terrible and sucky. Especially seeing as my friend spread around I has an abortion which wasn't the case.

    I just can't move on anymore without wondering- what did my baby look like? What was it? A little girl.. a little boy? What would I name it?

    I have a new boyfriend now.. times ARE slowly moving on. We're also sexually engaged.. but we use protection.

    I am just so grief stricken at the moment.. I don't know what to think.
  2. Svava

    Svava New Member

    (((hugs))) I am new here too. I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through. I was in a rape situation, and had an abortion. There is another website, not sure if you have heard of it, called passboards.org (for ab, but also has a forum for after rape and deals with miscarriage). It has helped me a lot.

    I hope that you can heal from this and realize that what happened was not your fault, that you did not deserve it, and that you should not internalize what some a** did. :grouphug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2008
  3. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    Well.. of course it's hard moving on. I just can't help but wonder.. what could have been if you know what I mean?
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