I Hate Myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by effervescentpsyche, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    Lately the only thoughts I have are of death. I have been planning my demise for quite some time now. I can't help but to research and research trying to find the perfect way to do it. I don't want to be caught...I was caught once and after the 3k hospital bill and being in that darn mental institution...I know that when I do it again I have to make sure that I am not caught and I'm good and dead.

    I finally have my position. I'm thousands of miles away from my parents...which is the reason why my plan fell through first. So now it's phase two which is constructing my plan...which I have been feverishly working on.

    Sometimes I pray at night, begging God for a reason for me not to do it...and then I have these nightmares. My waking life is a nightmare and my sleeping night is nightmares too. I'm safe nowhere, and I hate that.

    I know things could be worse, and I'm so sick of people saying that. I only live my life and that's it and I can't stand living my life. I think about my future and I see absolutely nothing. I just see hatred and misery. people around me will die and I will still be alive till I have no one left...no I want to die first I want to be put out of my misery.

    I know suicide is considered to be selfish. But I think people who want me to live are selfish too. Why do they want me to live when I'm miserable? They don't even try to help me they just watch me become more and more self destructive..they know I cut but they let me keep my blades...they know I get drunk and they keep the alcohol in the fridge. Everyone just speaks words too me but I know they REALLY in the end don't care. They just want me to live being this miserable human being.

    Then they tell me oh you're just happy being that way. You are going to be that little old woman living alone yelling at people in your yard. I don't want to be that person but that's how everyone sees me.

    I have my death date. April of next year I should have all my incidents I should have the time and my research should be complete.
  2. Inque

    Inque Member

    I've been through that experience of trying, failing and being in a mental ward too. As uncomfortable as I am with average people, I was just as out of place among those in the ward. A huge part of my fear of trying again is not wanting to end up there again- everyone treating me like glass. Like I was psychotic.

    It's hard to make connections. Even as pessimistic as I am I still try. If you don't try you don't even have a chance at it. If there's anything you do want I hope you leave yourself open to possibilities. Really, there's nothing left to lose.
  3. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I do try, but I just give up...everytime I try something it blows up in my face making me feel worse. I'm in more pain now then I have ever been...I'm learning when I try I get worse. Maybe I'm cursed.

    But your right about the mental ward. I hated it there...they didn't treat us like glass though, man the ones I had a lot of them were just freaking jerks...I wanted to punch one of them in the face he wouldn't heat up my food, I was like are you freaking serious? So I had to ask more people till I found someone who would heat up my damn food...yeah that place blew so hardcore.
  4. Inque

    Inque Member

    I think they're only jerks because they have to be. The sense of power helps them distinguish themselves from the patients. They're all scared, you can see it.

    I know my relationships fail because I test them so often. I'm just looking for something real, something I can't break. I'm beginning to think that the reason everything breaks is because I broke it.
  5. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I do test people alot...but I don't think I broke it...I think guys are just jerks and they lie and cheat and look at trash all the time...I want something strong and strudy and I need someone who can endure alot...you deserve the same.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Not all guys are dogs!! I know quite of few women who are just as unreliable as men. Every woman I have been with has cheated on me because all I did was work, come home and have a couple of drinks to unwind. While i was working third shift they would go out after I left. They would get drunk and go home with whoever showed interest in them. So it is a two way street. There are kind souls on both sides of the fence. we just haven't met yet!!!~Joseph~
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