Lately the only thoughts I have are of death. I have been planning my demise for quite some time now. I can't help but to research and research trying to find the perfect way to do it. I don't want to be caught...I was caught once and after the 3k hospital bill and being in that darn mental institution...I know that when I do it again I have to make sure that I am not caught and I'm good and dead. I finally have my position. I'm thousands of miles away from my parents...which is the reason why my plan fell through first. So now it's phase two which is constructing my plan...which I have been feverishly working on. Sometimes I pray at night, begging God for a reason for me not to do it...and then I have these nightmares. My waking life is a nightmare and my sleeping night is nightmares too. I'm safe nowhere, and I hate that. I know things could be worse, and I'm so sick of people saying that. I only live my life and that's it and I can't stand living my life. I think about my future and I see absolutely nothing. I just see hatred and misery. people around me will die and I will still be alive till I have no one left...no I want to die first I want to be put out of my misery. I know suicide is considered to be selfish. But I think people who want me to live are selfish too. Why do they want me to live when I'm miserable? They don't even try to help me they just watch me become more and more self destructive..they know I cut but they let me keep my blades...they know I get drunk and they keep the alcohol in the fridge. Everyone just speaks words too me but I know they REALLY in the end don't care. They just want me to live being this miserable human being. Then they tell me oh you're just happy being that way. You are going to be that little old woman living alone yelling at people in your yard. I don't want to be that person but that's how everyone sees me. I have my death date. April of next year I should have all my incidents I should have the time and my research should be complete.