I'm sick and tired of myself. I quit the only good, non-minimum wage job I've had in 2 years because I wanted to go to my cousins birthday party. I felt like it was the last time I'll ever see her, and get to actually say goodbye because I can't be around her anymore. Somehow I developed feelings for her that are not supposed to be there. I ruined the only normal and meaningful friendship I've had with a girl in my entire life. It makes me feel like a monster because me and my sister had an incest relationship from when I was 6 until I was 12. I never got closure. I never got the chance to say goodbye. I have no money to go to school because of doctor's bills, and I am not eligible for federal aid because I didn't do my taxes in time. I don't even have money for treatment at the moment, and the school counselors will not allow me back in until I participate in an outpatient program. I'm living with my parents, and I have to constantly hear from my Aunts and Uncles to get a job, move on, deal with it, and stop stressing my Mom out. People in other countries are in more pain than me. I have nothing to worry about, other than being a freakish, redneck perverted monster again. I already live with a deadbeat dad who only had one long-term job in the past two decades, and that was when we weren't living with him. He just sits down and watches television past midnight, and he does it all the time. Sometimes I fear I will become a bum like him. He is a religious zealot who brainwashed me into avoiding everything from sex-to-art(the only hobby I had)-to-sports, and focus on the heavenly father. He has been telling me of the impending Apocalypse my entire life, and has scared the shit out of me with his own conspiracy theory Christianity. It's either a comet, a war, or a super volcano with him. Personally, I don't know if I can believe in a heavenly father anymore. The contradictions in the book and life. The pain. The science. It all just hurts my head. I just don't know how to live a life with self-confidence because I always relied on god-confidence as a way to stay humble in his eyes. I just want to die.