I hate myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Socialman, Aug 3, 2010.

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  1. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    I'm sick and tired of myself.

    I quit the only good, non-minimum wage job I've had in 2 years because I wanted to go to my cousins birthday party. I felt like it was the last time I'll ever see her, and get to actually say goodbye because I can't be around her anymore. Somehow I developed feelings for her that are not supposed to be there. I ruined the only normal and meaningful friendship I've had with a girl in my entire life. It makes me feel like a monster because me and my sister had an incest relationship from when I was 6 until I was 12. I never got closure. I never got the chance to say goodbye.

    I have no money to go to school because of doctor's bills, and I am not eligible for federal aid because I didn't do my taxes in time. I don't even have money for treatment at the moment, and the school counselors will not allow me back in until I participate in an outpatient program.

    I'm living with my parents, and I have to constantly hear from my Aunts and Uncles to get a job, move on, deal with it, and stop stressing my Mom out. People in other countries are in more pain than me. I have nothing to worry about, other than being a freakish, redneck perverted monster again.

    I already live with a deadbeat dad who only had one long-term job in the past two decades, and that was when we weren't living with him. He just sits down and watches television past midnight, and he does it all the time. Sometimes I fear I will become a bum like him. He is a religious zealot who brainwashed me into avoiding everything from sex-to-art(the only hobby I had)-to-sports, and focus on the heavenly father. He has been telling me of the impending Apocalypse my entire life, and has scared the shit out of me with his own conspiracy theory Christianity. It's either a comet, a war, or a super volcano with him.

    Personally, I don't know if I can believe in a heavenly father anymore. The contradictions in the book and life. The pain. The science. It all just hurts my head. I just don't know how to live a life with self-confidence because I always relied on god-confidence as a way to stay humble in his eyes.

    I just want to die.
  2. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I think you should really try to get your own place. Your parents are affecting you in a bad way, you probably can't change their behavior but you can change your surroundings.
    You'll need to break away to find true happiness and to be satisfied with yourself.

    Don't worry about things you've done when you were under 12 years old, it does not make you a monster in any way. Kids who have it bad do irrational things, please don't hold it against yourself.

    I wish I could offer you some better advice but I can't, I wish you the best and hope you'll find some strength to deal with your problems.
  3. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    I want to, but I can't seem to get a good job, or good friends to move out. It's seriously frustrating.
  4. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I understand it's hard but you don't really need friends to get a good job do you?
    And you don't need a good job to get your own place. Try a different approach where your only goal is to find a place of your own and a job, any job.
    Just try to get out of that place because it is harming you.

    Trust me you'll get lots of friends when you improve your life.
  5. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    You're not a freak (not that it's a bad thing, mind you), you're not a pervert (same), and you're not a monster. Trust me, I've seen monsters, I've met monsters, I'm related to a monster, and you're not a monster.

    You can't help what you feel. You can't be responsible for what you can't control, just like you can't be responsible for the weather.

    Sure, other people may have it worse, but that doesn't mean your suffering should be invalidated, either. Say if I sprained my ankle. Just because other people have broken their legs, doesn't make it hurt any less. Your relatives need to understand that.

    I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful. I don't have any advice to give....
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Darksider. Like others have said, you're not a monster, but you have to understand that incestuous relationships are forbidden. What happened between you and your sister was one thing, but you both were children and didn't know any better.

    I think you should move in with one of your friends and split the rent. Keep looking for a decent job, don't give up. :hug:
  7. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    Of course, I realize that incestuous relationships are forbidden. I didn't say I was pursuing one with my cousin. I'm just sad I ruined a perfectly normal kinship bond by accidentally developing other feelings. That's why I said I wanted to say goodbye because I can't see her again until they go away. It's just bringing back a bunch of post traumatic guilt based on my previous experiences.

    I just wish I had a friend to move in with. I suffer from social anxiety brought on by a lack of trust, and connection problems. I put up walls to keep people away based on my experiences with bullying and incest survival, and my lack of hobbies or interests has literally created an inability to bond with people. How can you find a mate with similar goals and interests when you don't have any? I also haven't had very many jobs. So finding a good office job without proper education credentials is very difficult in this economy. I'm going to have to settle for a minimum wage retail job.

    I'm thinking about applying disability because of my manic depression and bi-polar, psychotic episodes.
  8. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    That's a pretty common theme. I have that. It makes life a lot harder. In my case, I never can feel natural. I never feel relaxed in a social setting. It's very uncomfortable and all I want to do sometimes is find a nice quiet place where I can relax. And what bugs me is that I like people and I like to see them. What I'm not good at is being interested enough to form a complex relationship. I'm not good at being comfortable. It's like I have the mind of an 8 year old in a social setting. Like you, I think it stems from a lot of bullying in school. I don't know whether me just being me caused the bulying or whether the bullying caused the anxiety. It doesn't really matter, though.

    I have hobbies. I really can't believe you don't have hobbies. For me, it has always been computers and sports like basketball or volleyball. I've always thought that my lack of interest in other things has somehow caused me to have my social anxiety. I mean, I don't relate to a lot of guys. Maybe I'm too nerdy or something. Even in school I could only relate to a small minority of people. They were friends only at school. Outside of school I was alone. Or maybe I'm too analytical. (i wish that could mean I am super smart, but apparently all it means is i enjoy to obsess about tiny little details that bore the hell out of other people) If I get to talking, I drowned everything out and no one else exists. I think people get turned off by that, but I can't help it. So I end up not saying anything at all.

    For my sake, I wish I wasn't like this.

    Having those kinds of problems increase the chance for failure. When you fail too much, or don't get a lot done, you tend to hate yourself. I think if you let that hate build it can destroy you. Make you unable. You have to get back up and fight.

    I don't think a minimum wage retail job is all that bad. Being away from your family and being on your own will make up for it in dividends. The hard part is finding the work and then finding someone you can live with to share the bills.

    But .... I think I can share the feeling. It's hard not having any real friends in this world. My last "frend" was almost 20 years ago. And that was when I was a kid. I'm middle age now and remain friendless and pretty much a loser.

    Like you, I haven't had many jobs. Of the ones I had, I did fine in most. Only the cannery work was too much for me. As for professional work, career, I need to go back to school for that, but no money right now. I hate on myself all the time, trying to get myself to move and do something, but I seem to be so content in accepting my failure at life that I don't try. That's why I warn you.

    Don't ever let yourself accept that you're a failure. But who am I to speak? I don't want you to end up like me.

    Let me give you a glimpse into your future if you accept that you're unable or broken. Flash forward 10 or 15 years. You will probably be living with someone else. They won't like you very much and will pile on the guilt that you're already piling on. You will care about them, but when you're dependent on someone else they come first, so you'll never be able to focus on yourself in a situation like this. You will be dirt. And you try to find work. You will have some luck, but now that you've spent the past 10 years hating yourself you have started a trend. And this trend leads to more and more laziness. Afterall, if you suck so bad, why should you even try? And now you open your yearbook and look at your classmates. Go on facebook or myspace and watch what they've done with their lives. Many of them are married, have masters degrees, are abroad in other countries, they have good reliable jobs, and so on. You will hate your lonely miserable self so badly when you see these things. And then you will see yourself aging. Maybe it will be a wrinkle or a bad tooth or losing muscle or rusty skills or a big tummy or weight or god knows what. You will put 2 and 2 together and start wondering whether your life is even worth living. You will keep hoping, year after year, that something changes. And you know what, you'll be asking that everyday of ever year. And the only goddam person that can be blamed is you. This is what a life is like when you hate yourself.

    There's no rewind in this life. There's no do over. There's only regrets. Don't pile them on like there's no tomorrow.

    You or any number of people on this forum may choose to do as I have done. But know this: You will regret it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2010
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi John. You're not a loser. You're still fighting the good fight and that makes you a winner in my book. Don't measure success by how much money one has accumulated. Success means different things to different people. The important thing is that you can look yourself in the mirror and say that you tried your best and did what you could. Not everyone is destined to get married and have two kids and a dog. :hug:
  10. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I can see how you feel this way! I personally found it beneficial to pray for my own answers from the source, and to read his word with his guidance. If I had been told the things you were told I would more than likley feel the same way. I have been enlightened through my own journey to truth with our heavenly Father Yahweh. As the good book says: ask, seek, knock. <edit:preaching> Hope this helps. Blessings.. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2010
  11. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Darksider, you are NOT a monster. You are a victim of child sexual abuse. Two children who have not experienced trauma before do not just pick up and start an incestuous relationship. There had to be trauma for one or both of you before the incestuous relationship you had with your sister. For God's sake you were only 6 years old! You were a baby! It is NOT your fault. I hope you get the therapy you need, for to lose you would be such a waste. As for the feelings for your cousin, that is a natural byproduct of child sexual abuse. You were never taught boundaries and you were taught that love = sex. So of course you developed those feelings for your cousin. But the true testament to you not being a monster is that you did nothing about those feelings. You created a healthy boundary.
  12. How can I trust God when I've prayed and prayed. He knows my heart, yet he doesn't listen. God isn't without flaws... he made me. Big mistake. I am a fucking mistake.
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You're not a mistake. You're a unique individual created by God. But you're in control of your own life. You can't blame God for how your life turned out. You have to regain control of your own life.
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