I depise myself for a lot of things, but i really hate myself for the fact that i am unable to pull myself together and eat like a normal human being. I feel sometimes like i am split into two people, the me that is struggling to escape the way that i am, and the me that embraces it and wears her many dysfunctional colours like a flag. I hate myself for the fact that i allow myself to deny myself the pleasure that you can get from eating food. I hate the fact that when i try to eat anything, my body and mind revolts against it and takes me to that place where i just know i have to control it, where i know i don't need food, where i can get past the pain and feel stronger for being the one in charge. I would love to be able to sit down and eat something hot, i watch cookery programmes, make food, and then, like the sick fuck i am i throw it away, because i feel to eat it would make me disgusting. People are starving out in this world because they have no choice, and here is me making food and throwing it away, like a slap in the face. I want to change this, but i have been through the various networks and still it doesn't help. And i know i am getting weaker physically, in a week i have gone from being able to keep things tidy and be a bit physical to feeling cold, sore and lacking in any energy. I tried to force myself to eat some yogurt, but it just sat in my mouth. I hate that i am such a miserable person and wish that i could find a bit of cheer instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time. I just want to be normal.