I hate that i am like this

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Mayal, Jan 31, 2009.

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  1. Mayal

    Mayal Well-Known Member

    I depise myself for a lot of things, but i really hate myself for the fact that i am unable to pull myself together and eat like a normal human being. I feel sometimes like i am split into two people, the me that is struggling to escape the way that i am, and the me that embraces it and wears her many dysfunctional colours like a flag. I hate myself for the fact that i allow myself to deny myself the pleasure that you can get from eating food. I hate the fact that when i try to eat anything, my body and mind revolts against it and takes me to that place where i just know i have to control it, where i know i don't need food, where i can get past the pain and feel stronger for being the one in charge.

    I would love to be able to sit down and eat something hot, i watch cookery programmes, make food, and then, like the sick fuck i am i throw it away, because i feel to eat it would make me disgusting. People are starving out in this world because they have no choice, and here is me making food and throwing it away, like a slap in the face.

    I want to change this, but i have been through the various networks and still it doesn't help. And i know i am getting weaker physically, in a week i have gone from being able to keep things tidy and be a bit physical to feeling cold, sore and lacking in any energy.

    I tried to force myself to eat some yogurt, but it just sat in my mouth.

    I hate that i am such a miserable person and wish that i could find a bit of cheer instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time.

    I just want to be normal.
  2. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    hi mayal :hug: i'm sorry you're feeling like this!
    food is a tricky subject because most people have an underlying reason that explains why they use/view it in the way they do. this is hard to figure out though. have you got a therapist you can talk to about figuring out this (if you don't already know) and getting help for it?
    it sounds to me like you have/had anorexia and you're trying to overcome it?
    it's not something that happens overnight, you have to get that part of you that doesn't want food, to leave or change its mind. this can take a long time, but you have to persevere.
    one thing i can suggest is a very calorie controlled diet, as you said about having to control your eating, building up a programme of eating is helpful, so you feel more comfortable about eating, and knowing what's going inside you and how much energy you'll get from it. once you've built that up and are eating well, you can figure out how to ease yourself into not worryiing about what you eat and living that 'normal' life, as you said :smile:
    good luck hun :heart:
    laura x
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    All your feelings of wanting out will take time. You've said it yourself, you want to enjoy the sensation of food, but you're finding it difficult at the moment. I used to feel so much like you.

    Try and not beat yourself up about throwing food away and that thing about the starving people out there. You're starving for something, maybe it'd be helpful to think what it is you want generally, maybe it's safety, maybe it's validation for your feelings, maybe it's love, maybe it's just something really simple like warmth- like you say, hot food is comforting and warms you and you're denying yourself that comfort for reasons you know.

    You're hating the self abuse that you're becoming aware of, it's shitty isn't it? It'd be great if all the feelings contained within that bubble, would just go but they obviously have some meaning/have some use for you because you'recoping with something going on emotionally.

    I've been cooking recently more than before and it's a lot like painting. It's great y'know, just making things and enjoying what you've made. It's something you can have control over and there's a lot of creative freedom in doing that (cooking). Maybe there's a lot of emotional energy that you're investing in food so that's probably where your problems are coming from. Once you get to deal with things going on emotionally, the eating becomes less of a chore, and you might get to a place of making those things on cookery programmes and actually enjoying what you've made not only physically but emotionally, as then you'd have got to a place where you're not battling food/body/your complex feelings all the time.

    And when you think about it, are people's eating/body image here 'normal'? I think this country is pretty eating disordered anyway :dunno:

    You're not feeling sorry for yourself you're sick and tired of your ED and I empathise.
  4. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    I know from personal experience how powerful I feel when I deny myself food. It is a genuine thrill having the power of life and death in your puny little hands. But you can replace one thrill with another. You can find a new "joystick" to play with and manipulate to your heart's content.

    You need to find a new source of excitement that will eclipse the old one. You need to "flip a switch" and change gears. You need to challenge yourself physically and emotionally in other areas.

    Perhaps you should try skydiving? (Not kidding!) :blink:
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