i hate that i like it...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by endlessskies58, Feb 27, 2009.

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  1. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    i don't understand myself sometimes...

    i fall into a thought process... a sadness as i over think everything... i focus on all the bad and everything that feels horrible in my life.

    i focus on the people who make me feel bad or a situation that i feel i messed up on or that just left me feeling down.

    why do i focus on this?

    today, i thought about how i miss my ex. how i messed up in a situation with a stranger. i got flustered when i saw that some people i messaged that i care for haven't messaged me back. i focused on the bad things in my life and the people that make me feel bad.

    and yet, i have so much good. i had a coworker be very kind to me today. my dad tried to show me how much he loves me by making a nice dinner for me. my mom was also kind to me. i also had some good things happen today that i should be happy about... i have A LOT of good in my life... i almost feel lucky sometimes...

    why can't i think about what is good in my life? i feel selfish and disgusting when i think about it... i almost feel like i feed off of being sad... like i like it... like its all i know...

    do i like being sad? is it because it is such a strong emotion that when i feel it, i know that i am truly alive? happiness is never as powerful as pain... it is so powerful that i can feel my heart when it aches...
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It's not you that keeps making you focus on the negative. It's depression. Once it gets in it wants to stay. And one way to insure that is to make everything seem so dark, gloomy and hopeless. Very few people in this world enjoy always being negative and seeing only the bad in their daily lives. And you are not one of those people. You are posting about your feelings and questioning them. Keep it up. Share them and dont try to bottle them up. Once you let others in on it, the harder it is to hold on to. It isnt just yours alone anymore. I'm a pm away if you still feel like talking.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    When you were growing up did you ever have a bully throw water on your pants and then taunt you for wetting yourself? Depression is a big malignant tumor that likes to make you feel like garbage.

    I'm really sorry that you're having a tough time with it. But Itmah. is right, it's depression that's keeping you focused on the negative. Have you looked into cognitive therapy? My sister is big on it.

    It supposedly helped her.


  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Erika,
    Welcome to the forum!! I agree with the others..Depression is an evil monster who will lie to you and cheat you out of your life.. Therapy will help quite a bit but it takes time..You can't just go for a month or two and expect to be healed..You have to work with the therapist and they will teach you how to cope better..You might also want to attend some group therapy sessions so you will be talking to people who understand what you are going thru..For some people it works and for people like me it was too much..I wish you all the best!!
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