It seems to be the predominant impulse affecting anyone I share my current (or past) emotional state with: "Don' do it" , "But I love you, that's so selfish" , "Why would you do that to people who love you" I'm 21, I'm not an idiot, I know the consequences of my potential actions. Of course I know I would end up hurting the people around me I've thrown away some of the selfishness that comes with my younger age But admit that it's not all gone, because it's in my nature to be that way I'm not speaking for humanity or anything, I'm saying ME, myself, my disposition to the world is selfishness, It's me I hate to go all "My friends don't understand me" But they literally don't understand that this is more than just Clinical depression or the possibility of a Manic Disorder, I'm just not a happy person. It's who I've been my entire life, if I wrote my life as a novel the ending would have to be suicide, it's just the way I consider my life would culminate successfully. (I know, odd choice of words) Whatever I just needed to get that out, without people I know feeling sorry for me, or telling me to "Feel better" I hate that, suicidal thoughts aren't dominated like a light switch I'm not thinking of suicide currently, I've decided to try and change things first. Then maybe once my parents die..I give it a try, Idk But still, thoughts of suicide are comforting, like a gun in the back drawer I might need someday. BTW Keeping an gun in a back or a desk drawer for an emergency. Isn't that just the perfect imagery for these types of situations?