i hate the little things

[anotherearthplease27]

i hate the little things that keep me holding on..insignificant things...things that dont mean a damn but are an escape of sorts.............i so want to sleep forever...i am two seconds away from just accepting the fact that i am nothing but pain to myself and those around me....i feel like my existence is no longer a Truth...like..this is so hard to describe..........i think we are all hardwired to have this belief that we do want to live..that we do have a place in the world ...that there is hope.......................countless times i come on here and people saying they cant cope anymore..that they dont want life...but just by being here you know really all they want is someone (even themselves)to give them an excuse to live on.....and thank the gods for SF for those people............i wish them well........(sorry perhaps excuse is not the right word.....maybe what we seek is the Truth..that all life is meant to be..for what ever crazy reason Life has on its mind). It's a primordial thing this deep down knowledge that we all know...that life IS...that we ARE...and that we SHOULD BE. But i am one second away from not believing that...and believing that is my new Truth...that i am a cosmic snafu(sorry spelling)..that I SHOULD NOT BE. And I am one second away from not caring.......maybe i was never meant to be...maybe thats okay...maybe i can find a moment of peace in that ...its becoming easier and easier to accept that. its beyond numbness...maybe its madness..probably......

whatever

 

[absolution]

First, :hug:

Second, I'm so sorry you're in this much pain. And yeah I understand your frustration but I honestly believe that if you were not meant to be here you wouldn't have been born. I know that's like the shit everyone spills at us but i think it's true. A LOT would be different if you were never born. People would not be the same. You're the only you that there will ever be.

Life kinda sucks sometimes. There is so much room for pain and heartache but there is also room for love and joy and hope. I know right now you can't see that, but I hope that you hold on long enough to see it. It will be there. It's just not there at the moment because life is being a bitch.

You seem like a beautiful person. Please don't give up xx

 

[anotherearthplease27]

Sam,

Thank you..you are really sweet...(.a lot off when you called me a beautiful person..but I won't hold that against you)

thank you for the hug

truly i'm trying to listen...i know once you are in the land of Life the grass is green and the birds poop skittles....but right now what you are saying is hard to hear, let alone believe

your support means alot and ..more than alot...though


thank you again...i WILL think about what you said

 

[absolution]

Trust me I know its a hard thing to believe. I sometimes dnt believe it myself till I see it.

And I believe everyone has something beautiful about them whether they see it in themselves or not.

What specifically is going on? I'm here for you. :hug: always.

 

[anotherearthplease27]

do you know i've been sitting here typing and retyping for the last hour...i guess whats wrong is that there is nothing specific
but every aspect of my life is crap and I am to blame. i guess what is specifically bothering me lately is that the last of my supports..family and extended family is barely nonexistent...(my fault again(please do not say it isnt..it is and i take responsibilitiy)........i've messed up with them(for years)and have no chance of redeaming myself....they endure me.....................................just tired of simply being endured. i know people spit with their families and their friends become their family but i have no friends(again my fault).

just tired...............guess what is so depressing is that these last couple of years i feel like i am finally coming awake....finally seeing the mess i've made of my life ...sort of coming to grips with it but also feelings so incredibly overwhelmed by it.............so many years of saying "i dont care"...now i'm despairing and say"God what have I done". for the first time in my life last year I started to take myself seriously and started to try to address my flaws.....but people are cruel...and i let them get me down...sort of was hoping the Universe would be kinder since i was trying...I was wrong.... what do you do when even the universe is against you.

i hate HATE HATE being this broken thing..not even a person anymore..a thing

sorry...for compaining..god knows i probably have it better than most....just feels like i'm in hell..........

thank you though for letting me get off my chest...talking does help....i feel a little better just knowing there are people out there like you. feel like i might be able to face another day...your support inspired me to call around about sliding scale fees for therapists earlier and have apt for meds. thank you thank you thank you

 

[Vivek85]

You said "i am two seconds away from just accepting the fact that i am nothing but pain to myself and those around me..."

Your existence might be secretly comforting to people, you know.

Just be BEING, just by remaining alive, you probably keep at least one person on this planet sane.

Heck, I read your post and could see a little of myself in the text.

It gives me sanity to read that other people are struggling with some of the same problems as me.

What worked for me was escaping my private pain by striving to help others. The process of helping them, whether on this forum or elsewhere, whether online or in person, begins to cleanse the mind of its dirtiness and replace it with self-confidence and a sense of purpose. Maybe that's what you might call "insignificant", but I assure you, it has made all the difference in my life.

Since you don't want to feel like a pain to yourself and others, you can do so many things. Try to start by really committing to helping people on this forum and in person.

 

[Vivek85]

I once read something that really got to me:
"Only if you gain independence from externals can you fully be yourself. (And in consequence, be free.) If inconvenience or unpleasantness, conflict or bad luck, unfortunate material or social circumstances can keep you from doing the right thing, then you aren't making progress on your path (that is: your path); and you don't live your own life quite as fully as you could."
-Leif Frenzel

For me, the right thing is helping others. I realized that my pain wasn't and is never an excuse to stay trapped in refusal to improve the lives of other people, and that has caused a rapid shift in my self-perception.

 

[absolution]

do you know i've been sitting here typing and retyping for the last hour...i guess whats wrong is that there is nothing specific
but every aspect of my life is crap and I am to blame. i guess what is specifically bothering me lately is that the last of my supports..family and extended family is barely nonexistent...(my fault again(please do not say it isnt..it is and i take responsibilitiy)........i've messed up with them(for years)and have no chance of redeaming myself....they endure me.....................................just tired of simply being endured. i know people spit with their families and their friends become their family but i have no friends(again my fault).

just tired...............guess what is so depressing is that these last couple of years i feel like i am finally coming awake....finally seeing the mess i've made of my life ...sort of coming to grips with it but also feelings so incredibly overwhelmed by it.............so many years of saying "i dont care"...now i'm despairing and say"God what have I done". for the first time in my life last year I started to take myself seriously and started to try to address my flaws.....but people are cruel...and i let them get me down...sort of was hoping the Universe would be kinder since i was trying...I was wrong.... what do you do when even the universe is against you.

i hate HATE HATE being this broken thing..not even a person anymore..a thing

sorry...for compaining..god knows i probably have it better than most....just feels like i'm in hell..........

thank you though for letting me get off my chest...talking does help....i feel a little better just knowing there are people out there like you. feel like i might be able to face another day...your support inspired me to call around about sliding scale fees for therapists earlier and have apt for meds. thank you thank you thank you

Wow i'm soooooo happy to hear that you will seek a therapist! I have one too and she's the best c: The great thing about them is that they wont bullshit you. if they think something you did or said was not okay they will tell you. Don't settle either, if you dont like one keep looking!

You're a complete sweetheart i can tell (i know you hate compliments but oh well :P)

I sometimes i feel like people are just tolerating me as well. If you feel like you have messed up with people but inside you feel you have changed, try apologizing and explain your thought process now. Seriously, relationships are very important and you need to right them before it's too late. :hug:

You're very strong for seeking help! Let us know how it goes and please feel free to private message me anytime c: I enjoy talking to you c:

 

[anotherearthplease27]

Vivek85

my existence keeping someone sane...i hear you...i understand what you are trying to say.....but i guess this is how i feel...the people who say they love me arent there for me emotionally in life...why would they care about me in death...............and that is not to say i am going to do something rash.....it's just how i feel..............this is triggering so dont continue reading if you are having a hard time.......................my cousin(dads sisters son) took his life and people go on and it just blows my mind....i'm not sayingthat they arent hurting alot but they go on...he was only in his 20s and it just doesnt seem fair that life goes on...but thats what people do right..they go on because thats all they can do. you know i had thoughts of suicide before this happened and all i can think is if i had done it maybe he would be alive today. whose life might i save by taking my own now...my other cousin was going through a hard time(on other side of the family)...he doesnt like me much now but what if i took my life maybe down the road if he stumbles maybe he would think twice about doing it. im glad he doesnt like me...maybe he wont follow in my footsteps. back to my dads side of the family...different sibling..his brother..they didnt get along..not speaking terms(he battled depression and made some poor financial decisions that affected them all)..when he was dying of cancer the family got together for dinner...my dad said aone or two nice things but in the end nothing got resolved...turns out the cancer wasnt what took him out in the end..he took his own life. people went on..you have no choice. i dont think he even really fought the cancer in the first place. i dont know ..maybe you are right...maybe they are all secretly insane. i dont know.

of course what ive said is a lie.....my cousins mother was a wreck and i am sure there is not a day she does not think about him..his brother has a hard time of it...and i know my uncles children and wife were crushed.....its just not talked about much...maybe i want to believe they were forgotten so there is an option for me

why dont we talk about the ones that have passed very much..is that just my family?

sorry

i agree with Lief Frenzel..just hard to gain independence from those externals..i am glad you have found yourself in helping others its very noble.....i have helped people out in the past...it does make you feel good...and in the future? maybe again....its just hard for me to make meaningful connections and keep them...and worried i would only make things worse.

 

[anotherearthplease27]

thank you absolution

sort of think it is too late but maybe

not feeling strong but one day at a time

 

[absolution]

I really do hope you seek help. It'll be worth it. :hug: :hug: :console:

 

[anotherearthplease27]

absolution,

:hugtackles:

thank you.....i am . and feeling much better today.

 

[absolution]

YAY :hugtackles: