Why do i struggle to take my own advice? Why can i offer advice so freely and with such good intentions, yet not listen to my own words. I'm incapable of opening my ears to my own voice The darkness comes and then it goes, my life seemingly dictated by others actions, unable to move forward unable to focus on a future. I guess what goes around comes around and i only have myself to blame for the despair and heartache that torments me each day i exist on this earth. I have never settled in life, lived anywhere for any length of time, i have no roots and cannot imagine or dream of a place that has the kind of soil i require. At 42, i feel like a 16 year old, uncertain and daunted by so called adult life, i have none of the youthful zest though, i remember that well. Have this feeling that i will have my life taken early, rather than take it myself and that fills me with more despair. Lonelyness yet again dominates my life, i remember how many people used to care about me, but i have left them behind, distant memories on the scarred and brutalised journey that is my life. Tell you what, what really terrifies me is meeting the people who have hurt me when i die, so have not a clue where to go from here. Oh yeah, and what about the ones i have hurt. The truth is the hardest thing that i have ever faced and it aint pretty. The hardrive whirrs and my mind follows suit, this computer more of a solace than anything i know. Thing is, i know the only person capable of hurting me now is myself, and im doing a pretty good job. So i will continue to exist, to search for answers from within, to suffer my guilt and pain and try to keep forgiving myself and the others who haunt my solitude. I dont hate myself but i hate what life has done to me.