I hate this feeling!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by unreal23, Feb 20, 2008.

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  1. unreal23

    unreal23 Member

    Hi everyone, thank you for reading this...I really have nowhere else to write or others I can confide in. I feel its even hypocritical for me to even have these feelings and I don't think that I would act on them...but it scares me that they keep popping into my head. It's almost like..the only reasoning turning away these suicidal thoughts is the pain it will bring to my family and friends. I have almost nothing to be depressed out! I have some awesome friends, just not too many. A good job, comfortable lifestyle....but I feel so alone! My insecurity eats at me like a decease at every turn, and my mind just won't stop thinking about negative scenarios. It's unbelievable how depressed I can get from a simple rejection. Example: one of my friends said she does not have the money to go on a little trip that we were planning on taking next month...and this got me thinking that she doesn't want to spend time with me and really why would she? I'm not that fun, there are SO many others she would rather be with! Now there is NOTHING I can look forward to. I know in the back of my head, this probably is due to my overactive negative imagination...but I can't help it. I don't know how to fix ME. Why do I have these feelings? I have been to 4 sessions with a hypnotherapist and it feels like I made a little progress but here I am today, heavily depressed. It just seems so hopeless, I just want to end it and get a new start. I want that negative voice in my head to stop making negative self-loathing sugestions. I just want to be happy...but this seems impossible with so much self sabotage...Thank you so much for listening to my rambling..
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi, i know all about that negative thinking stuff, i've been practicing it for years... to the detriment of my mental health. with some hard work and the right therapist or counsellor you *can* beat these feelings. do you think you'll get there with the person you currently see? if not, it might be worth finding someone else

    you won't be alone in your journey, the people here at SF are incredibly supportive. you'll find many people here to listen,

  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Maybe what you need is some self-assurance, or self-confidence as most call it. If your friend's inability to go with you next month made you question yourself maybe you're not as comfortable with being you as you would like. I remember feeling very self-conscious in high school and suffering a good deal because of it. Something that helped me a bit was keeping in mind that people really are not as concerned about your issues as you are. It may feel like your negative traits and present thoughts of insecurity are written all over your face but they aren't, you're just another person walking by looking at their shoes. Your friends are probably totally ok with you, that particular friend just didn't have the money.

    Your own mind is a very dangerous place to wander around in by yourself, it will deceive, provoke and just lie outright about things that are much better just taken at face value for what they are with no hidden agenda. With a bit of self-assurance you can walk around in there and let those attempts to fool you bounce right off because insecurity would be very silly indeed to try and convince you that it knew you better than you knew yourself.
  4. unreal23

    unreal23 Member

    I don't think so...I mean, I did feel a bit better over the last month but I really feel as if my skepticisim towards any form of treatment is preventing me from reaping potential benefits. Hyponotherapists are not considered doctors, so would it be better if I saw some other type of therapist? I don't understand how anyone can help me....it feels like there's this other depressed always lurking in the back of my head making me feel bad and much much too critical of mself. I do have times where I feel happy and content when with certain people but even then there's always that nagging self-doubt. So I guess my question is...what forms of therapy are available to me?
  5. unreal23

    unreal23 Member

    I keep telling myself that other people can't see inside me, and to take things at face value....but my mind refuses to accept it! It's almost like my mind has a mind of it's own!
  6. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    This probably isn't the proper time, but I lol'd. :)
  7. unreal23

    unreal23 Member

    So did I as I was writing it lol
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

  9. NuPrime33

    NuPrime33 Member

    I, personally, don't believe in taking advice from therapists. They just want money, they want to get paid. So they may keep you from healing/recovering as soon as they could. So yea.. Try making a journal or a blog. Other than that this forum might help you release your stress/depression.
  10. unreal23

    unreal23 Member

    Thanks everyone.....I've gotten in a pretty bad groove today and have been moping around. I actually thought about who I would address notes to if I attempted suicide...I really think I would do it, but just cant stand the pain it would cause for my friends and family. I have tried keeping a journal but I feel no better after putting it all on paper. There's just this pang or hurt right where my heart is...and it feels like its being twisted deeper each time I get depressed. I'm so tired of it..tired of burdening friends with my depression...I don't understand, I've tried and am not able to reason it out...these horrible feelings have to come from somewhere.
  11. Viskar

    Viskar Member

    Maybe the feeling is just indigestion, and we're all over reacting? ;P Chip up - life is good. Enjoy it. I've given up on suicide.

    One day I made this long winded post on someones forum because I could tell they just wanted pity, and that isn't good - And as I was typing I realized I was a hypocrit - Almost everything I typed also pertained to me.

    So now I look at life with a good outlook, and sometimes I get sad, and just need re-assurance. Try biking, or walking. I listen to my music and go biking. I love it.
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    don't underestimate the power of your thoughts. that's one of the reasons for my depression and my attempt; i believed that everything that happened to me in the last year was evidence of my all-encompassing badness. my best friend dumped me, told myself i deserved it, after all i was such a loser. my mom dies, yep, i'm def. all alone, prob a good thing 'cos i am such a loser. blah blah, on and on relentless negative talk.

    make up your own mind about counselling. i'm not getting it right now but i have weekly visits with a community psychiatric nurse, i take a relaxation class to help wiht the negative loop, and i'm on meds. this plus changes to diet and exercise are helping me crawl out.

    these horrible feelings as you describe are so often tied to our thoughts - if you stop when you have a feeling, like intense sadness, and ask yourself what you were thinking immediately before you may be surprised at what you are saying to yourself. if you google "Mood Gym" you will find a site that tries to untangle some of that talk, I highly recommend it, def. worth a look

  13. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Is the negative thinking you practice it related to events in your past? If so there may be underlying issues you need to address, that might require different types of treatment. Otherwise I would highly recommend that you look into Cognitive therapy. With proper treatments you have a really good chance of improving your mental health.
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