I hate this life, why me?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by xrubyx, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. xrubyx

    xrubyx New Member

    I feel really down at the moment, I suffer from mental health problems but can't really talk to the team i'm under as they just focus on my symptoms which are fine
    at the moment. Something happened and its not the first time it has happened because it always does. I met somebody on a night out and he seemed nice, I really liked him, we went out for 3 weeks and all was going well I thought. The thing is I was drinking a lot at the time as I do this as a way to cope. I was texting him all the time and telling him some stuff about my ex and how bad he treated me and that it was a violent relationship but he seemed fine with it. We went out a few times and also stayed in. He seemed interested and was planning stuff for us to do in the future and telling people about us and calling me his girlfriend etc.
    I was always worrying he was using me and was going to dump me and wanted constant reasurance from him all the time which he gave me. I stayed over at his house and he walked me home the next day and said to me, text me later. I texted him later and he seemed really off with me saying he was tired. I left him alone and then texted him the next
    day from work and he didn't reply so I texted him a couple of hours later saying, have I done something to annoy you and he said not at all, i'm just having some alone time.
    I said ok sorry to bug you. The next day after work I texted him again asking where I stood and he said il text you later. We were texting each other and it was ok. He asked what was wrong and I said im needy, I don't mean to be but I am and he said we need to slow things down. I said ok and then he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and I said I would take things slow and he just ignored me and hasn't contacted me since and neither have I him. This happens all the time with men and after it happens I feel suicidal and because he only lives round the corner and I work locally. I'v had to have time off work but im going back monday and dreading it because i know people have seen us together and everyone will be talking about it. I suffer from psychosis so I do get paranoid a lot but I know they will be. I feel like i'v made a huge mistake getting involved with him but i'm devastated he doesn't want to be with me. I feel depressed and hate myself and am having some pretty bad thoughts. I feel like life would be better for everyone if i wasn't around. I feel like i will never be normal and settle down and get married and have kids because of my illness and because I cant keep anyone interested longer than 3 weeks. I will be alone forever and it hurts so much. I just want so bad to be normal and be like everyone else. I don't have any friends
    and don't have a social life and I think thats why I always seek mens approval. Also I think I was abused as a child by a family member and I havn't told anyone about this as i'm not certain. I just have strange dreams about it which always seems to happen when I meet a man and have sex. I'm sat in the house alone and it hurts so much.
    I don't see things getting any better and I don't see the point in trying. My life has been one huge mistake and I feel sick just thinking about everything. I'm 25 now and I feel the same as I did when I was 18. I have severe low self esteem and base my self worth on what men think of me and I don't know why. I go out with anyone that asks me and act really desperate when i'm with them and become obsessed which I know must scare them off. I can't help it and make the same mistakes but never learn. I can't believe any man would like me so i'm desperate to keep them but I scare them off or i'm such a boring ugly person they dump me. I really don't know but they can't get away from me quick enough. The only real relationship i'v had was a violent abusive one and I just don't think I can take it anymore. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I find the more we think of ourselves, the less we are willing to compromise in a relationship...I have had to kiss dozens of frogs before finding anyone resembling a sort of prince...but I so far from perfect, myself...needing the company of another and wanting the company of another is quite different...is there a way to work on your self esteem so that Mr Next is shown the wonderful gifts that are you, and you do not find yourself in a violent and abusive situation?