I don't even know why I bother posting here anymore because I know as soon as I click submit, I'll probably continue to give into the desire to cut again. My wanting to fight against this urge has disappeared at this point in the road. I know it's not safe and it's not healthy but at times I feel like I have to cut. Then there's those times I don't even think about it or feel at all, I just do it. Yeah I hate it and it adds to my self-loathing but I figure even if I don't like it, at least it delivers the punishment and the release that I need. I don't know what originally triggered this depressed episode that's been lasting months now or what first set me off this time, but lately it's been the cutting itself triggering more SI. I've been unintentionally cutting deeper than I ever have and I never realize this until I see all the blood and it just pushes me further into that mind set... I don't want to stop, but I'm still scared. I'm very scared of myself and I hate this.