I used to be in a better place last week, but now feel like shit again. I have an exam this week and the stress of college, the insecurities and the feelings of depression are all coming back again. I can't get myself to study. I can't talk to my mother because she says I just have to work for it, she doesn't get that it's stronger than myself. I feel like a failure, why can't I just be a good student.. Ever since finishing high school I asked for a sabbatical because I was so burned out, but I never got the chance. Every year of college made my depression worse and after 4 years I now pretty much live in isolation, I never want to go out, I never want to do anything, I even suddenly quit talking to my own friends sometimes because I feel so bad.. Anyways, I'm getting off track again, sorry. So when I have a vacation I start feeling a bit better, but it still takes a lot of time. Step by step I start to get out of my shell again, trying to reach out to friends. But I don't get enough time, school and work are just around the corner and I fall into my pit again... It's a never ending cycle and I'm getting so sick of it. I want to escape. But it's just life, so maybe I just want to escape life itself. I really feel like school and work are killing me, but what can I do about it? I just don't want this, I never asked for a life like this, it's not worth it to me! Does my depression come from within? I think so. But I honestly believe that people are natural creatures and we are moving away from our nature, and I think that's the reason why I feel so bad. In another world I could have a normal life, but this is just the way our world works, and as I didn't ask for any of this, why wouldn't I have the right to end it? I can't help that I just can't adapt to our unnatural way of living because some greedy fucks enslaved our world with capitalism in the name of profit. I don't know what to do with myself, I really don't.