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I hate this

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#1
I stupidly posted to another forum besides this one that I was feeling suicidal and apparently it's in their rules that they have a right to contact authorities without notifying the user if they believe the user is at risk. I quickly deactivated (which is permanent) before the post could be approved, but it wouldn't have been based on the content. Hopefully I got rid of the account before any damage could be done. I posted my age but not anything else identifying. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I'm just so f'ing ashamed that I'm feeling suicidal after all my progress. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY hate meds. They have never done anything for me except make me feel suicidal. I tried a new medication and I immediately had a horrible reaction to it (acting out on the internet). I want to die so FREAKING BAD! I can't be off of meds for a little while still and I don't know how I'm going to survive. This new medication is seriously one of the worst I've ever tried. I hate meds so much. Why do they have the right to inject us with drugs? Who even invented that? Why can't it just be pills and then you don't take them if you want to? Instead of sticking a needle in me, and in a private area of my body nonetheless.

I think the medication honestly has sent me into psychosis. Even on the old medication (which I am still on partially), I woke up and wake up every day feeling suicidal, but I'm deeply, deeply ashamed about how I don't approve of meds. Everyone will just try to shove them down my throat no matter which way I turn. I wish I had a suicide button. And could just end things automatically, with no stress or pressure. Everyone in the entire world should have a right to one from the second they are F***ING BORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God if every time I was upset and could have just ended it and started over... I would have done it so many times by now... I'd be the chief of suicides, even though there are other people that are more suicidal than me. I only feel it in the mornings, so it doesn't matter, right? Hahaha...Wrong... I think I am honestly going completely crazy and the cause is literally meds this time, and not stress. Stress you learn from and don't repeat. This is literally medication induced psychosis. And I don't even care if I'm throwing out that term and can no longer use it as a song title, heck I might still anyway. I am so sick. So. Sick. So. Sick. So. Sick. I don't want to go back to the mental ward because I've been close to being attacked there numerous times, and one time someone got into my bed while I was sleeping and I awoke to them laying on top of me saying f***ed up s***. I can't stand the system anymore, I wish every psychiatric medication in the world would just disappear with no way to recreate it, and I am sick of people. I'm sick of people. I actually am. I actually can't stand anyone. I thought I loved everyone. THEN I LOOK BACK ON WHAT I'M SAYING AND LITERALLY IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AND PARTIALLY IS TRUE YET PARTIALLY ISN'T TRUE. I AM F***ING ROTTING IN PLACE, SLOWLY INCHING TOWARD DEATH. WHY MUST THIS GO ON LIKE THIS? WHY CAN I NOT JUST PRESS A BUTTON AND MAGICALLY END IT ALL? I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I wasn't just rotting and spewing out half truths and half garbage lies I mean I'm not even intentionally lying it's just coming out. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I am NOT going back to the hospital unless I VOLUNTARILY END UP GOING, because I've already been dragged there before and that's never happening again, I might as well just asked to get f***ing killed this time. I am not going to go through any more trauma, and I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't reach out to anyone. Probably call the hotline. No, they'll probably report me. Everyone reports everyone. No one is safe to go through their thoughts. No one is safe to just live normally. And if you say you have more symptoms THEY TREAT YOU LIKE IT'S YOUR FAULT AND ENLIST MORE RESTRICTIONS UPON YOU!!!!! WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE????? WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LET ME BE? I WISH I WAS CRYING RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE IT WOULD CORRECTLY ENCOMPASS THE AMOUNT OF PURE ANGER AND LIFE-KILLING DEPRESSION I CURRENTLY FACE. that's it. i'm done. this probably won't even get approved. whatever. i'm done being nice to myself, i'm done being nice with others, the time for generosity and courteousness and respect is f***ing over, no one ever really helps, everyone has their own agenda and i'm not allowed to escape my hell no matter how many painstaking days OF DOING ABSOLUTELY F***ING NOTHING BECAUSE I'M ON MEDS STILL AND I AM LITERALLY, 10000000000000000000% SUICIDAL BECAUSE OF IT, BUT NO ONE CAN HELP AND NO ONE DOES HELP. I HAVE NO WAY OF DOING IT. I have no way of doing it. I should just keep telling myself that, right? haha... Sorry if this sounded like something that's not right, because I'm not right, and I never will be. That's the end.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this. It sounds horrible.
This new medication is seriously one of the worst I've ever tried
Can you go back to the old one if this one is just making things worse?
Why do they have the right to inject us with drugs? Who even invented that? Why can't it just be pills and then you don't take them if you want to? Instead of sticking a needle in me, and in a private area of my body nonetheless.
If what they are giving you is an antidepressant, I hadn't heard of these being injected before.

I could try to make some suggestions, but it sounds like that may not be something that you want or are ready for at the moment.

I hope things can get better soon.
 
#3
I was really going through a struggle last night. But I can't tell my mom about any of it because she doesn't believe anything I say and has her own idea of what my life is meant to be. Talking to her in my position can be like going crazy. Well, I only live for myself, and not for others, so as much as I love her, I have to basically lie to her constantly. As long as I don't act out (^ like I kind of did in the post above admittedly [although it was all I was feeling]) around her, that's all I have to keep going is that I'm mostly sane. Really sorry for all the caps lock. I was so angry it was, like, spilling out into the computer instead of a physical feeling like I wanted to punch the wall or anything like that. Lol. I let my psychiatrist know my symptoms. Hoping to get put on something else and then get weaned off of the injection. Then I can have pill freedom, something I honestly never thought I would be giving up on my medication journey anyway. I swear the injection is like, more hardcore. Even though it feels the same (and maybe is), I get really, really angry.

The title of this forum said "if you feel like you want to scream sometimes" and honestly screaming was what I was trying to avoid so... :P

Thanks for replying!! I appreciate it a lot. I wouldn't have wanted to call the hotline in my state. Haha

Oh and the old one I was taking was causing the morning depression and suicidiality. I'm still on a low dose of it. Out of the several medications I have been on, this was by far the worst reaction I've ever had.
 
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