she doesnt understand. she says im not helping myself cause i say "i want to go to college" then the next minute i say "i dont want to go back to college". I want to get qualifications, but its hard to go back to that college lifestyle thing. "noones been more depressed in their lives than me" yes mam okay. ive seen what all you lot have been through, and it makes me feel crap for feeling crap. its like i have nothing to feel depressed about. "you dont help yourself" she doesnt get how i feel. I want so desperately to go back to college, but ive got no friends, theyve all left and i cant face being alone for a year. The people in college are younger than me, and i cant deal with immatureness right now. "you've taken two years off college" sorry i have to stop typing every 2minutes to compose myself. as im sitting in the living room with HER and brothers. so what if ive taken two years off? i need it. I was only going to tell her that ive been looking up courses online so i can study at home and get my qualifications but NOOOO i have to get yelled at. And i know when she looks over and sees tears streaming down my face shes gonna yell for "crying for nothing". im sick of this house, but i just cant leave, somethings holding me back and i dont know what it is. its like im not allowed to be depressed, "youve had it easy" thanks mam course i have, yup your worthless shit husband and bfs have been nothing but supportive and lovely father figures for me, yup dad was amazing too wasnt he, hes been there for me all the time aint he. i wasnt fuckin tied up and chased around the house with a knife was i mam? i wasnt shot in the head with a bb gun (cause he thought it was empty) was i mam? i wasnt stabbed in the leg with a key was i mam? i was happy wasnt i mam? i wanted to live there with you two didnt i mam? i didnt go to nanas cause i was sad did i mam? i was happy wasnt i mam? im sorry mam but the world doesnt revolve around you. I KNOW THAT EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSED. I KNOW that im not the ONLY one thats depressed. HELLO i see it on here everyday. but you are not worse off than me. Youve got noone shouting at you everyday, you've got a fiancee that would do anything for you. what are u depressed about mam? us? i know its us? im sorry u decided to have kids. shouldve aborted me when you had the chance. "you got an interview" "you dont want to go to the interview". sorry mam but i was thinking of the expense getting to work each day, its not going to be worth it in the end, i need a job in our town. sorry if theres not any going and the ones that are i cant get. im thinkin about paying back money i owe. im thinking about how the travelling equals being out of home for more hours, and the fact that i dont think i can cope being out that long. FFS. im the ONLY person in this family that would go to college, i know that, but i feel sooo pressured. Richard dropped out and got a shit job (after failiing GCSEs and dropping out of college), the boys and Jess arent too bright, well they are but grades and stuff are shit in school cause they would rather mess about than do work, like Richard. I didnt know until yesterday that Nana put money away for me to go to university, how guilty do u think i feel? i should be in uni right now. but im not. ever since i read that letter i feel shit. i cant cope with the pressure. the exams. the work. not right now okay? give me a break. Yes ive had two years off college, so fucking what? you've done shit all with your life except have kids that wont amount to anything. i knew i was the black sheep, ive always felt left out, but i thought it was okay because i was the one getting good marks and going somewhere, i had a plan in life. but now im stuck at home, im LAZY :dry: i dont go anywhere i dont do anything so im worthless. im a worthless piece of shit arent i mam? i dont deserve to live on this earth do i mam? i know i dont, dont need to think it. i wish i had the guts to end it. i wish i had the guts to leave. i wish i had the guts to run back to harry :sad: he wouldnt want me now. no1 does. ive no where to go. bedroom is overrun with sister and friends. Nans is occupied by annoying brother. YOU are in this shithole livingroom. my place used to be sitting on the stairs, huddled in the corner, but i got rows for that, so i guess i'll just sit here at the computer and type, pretend im doing work, pretend im okay. pretend as usual. i dont know what to do. i feel like i HAVE to go back to college in sept now. but if i do that i cant afford to pay back the money, cause i need another job, which i cant get because i'd be in college. then you would shout at me for spending when i owe money. but i need to get essentials mum, i need deodrants/makeup/clothes...otherwise people would know how i really feel. i need to cover up using make up and clothes, make me look like i feel okay when i dont. i know i wont last in college. why go back knowing i wont make it? i know i'll end up going to college but not going to lessons just to shut her up. i know that as soon as we start discussing depression in psychology again i'll freak out and feel crushed by how others percieve people who are depressed. sorry this is long. doubt anyone will read it anyway (edit: because its so long). i just need to get things out. be prepared for lots more replies to this i bet.