I hate this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morgana, Nov 27, 2007.

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  1. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    For the past 2 days, I have just felt...blank. Just disconnected from EVERYTHING. Or I've been on the verge of tears~but not quite able to cry, you know? I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Everything is just piling up on top of me until I feel like I'm suffocating. And last night was really bad...:( And then it was like my boyfriend was encouraging me to kill myself, 'cause I misunderstood what he said, and it was like, "well, why don't I just oblige you, then..." :( And like last night, my sister made me tell her about it and said that I sounded "dead." My voice was completely emotionless. She asked me, "Can you promise not to hurt or kill yourself tonight?" And I had to say "I don't know," which made me want to cry. She managed to cheer me up by having me watch my dancing penguin that sings "Ice Ice Baby," but today, it's just as bad if not worse...like all my emotional responses are blunted, and I just want it all to eeeeeeend. I want it all to go away, so I don't have to feel like this anymore. :( 'Cause it seems like it's never going to go away...I thought I was feeling better, and now I'm feeling like sh*t again. And I just...want to die...
  2. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    awww pet, it's so hard when things are like that and you just cant seem to feel...everything feels so distant. Try to keep yourself occupied as best you can. I'm not sure whether self harm is something you suffer with but even if it's not, there is a great sticky post in the self harm section of this forum about ditraction techniques...might be worth a look :)

    Is there anything you think you might be able to enjoy at the moment? Having a nice relaxing bath? Reading a book? Watching short movies online of cute little animals? (one of my fave things to do when I feel low!) What about watching your favourite movie? Or writing a poem or story about how you are feeling? What about drawing or painting? Can you go for a walk? Or maybe get some yummy food to eat? Just something that will distract you and make you 'feel' something again...and hopefully something good :hug:

    Please dont do anything to hurt yourself and please know that although it seems like this will never end right now...it can and it will....it can often be a long road but you can do it I'm sure :)

    If you need to chat then please pm me...I will answer ASAP...but I am in the UK so I'm off to bed now, I'll answer in the morning....if I dont get a pm I'll check up on this thread

  3. Invictus

    Invictus Member

    I am probably not the right person to reply to this but I understand where you are coming from and will say that today is the closest I have ever come to killing myself. I bought the last of my equipment needed to do it, but circumstances(or lack of guts) stopped me from completing.

    I cant encourage you not to do it, but I want you to know you are not the only one going through the same thoughts at this moment.I am with you totally.
  4. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this too invictus....I think it actually takes more courage not to kill yourself....it is a much much harder thing to carry on and face up to your problems....but as with all hard tasks we overcome, it gives a huge sense of achievement when you do it.

    I would encourage anyone not to kill themselves, everyone has worth but it just takes more for some people to see it in themselves.

    I understand the feelings totally and have been there myself not too long ago....from my experience, if you attempt it and fail it just adds more guilt and shame into the mix.....best to try and work through it

    :hug: to you both
  5. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to distract myself. Yes, I do self-harm, and I'm trying to distract myself through all of that, too. It's not working too well, but I guess I'll just have to find something else...I don't WANT to hurt myself, it just seems like that's the only thing that would work.

    At least my friend is online now and I can talk to him...:) But he's kind of caught up in a bit of why I feel so bad, so that part sucks. But it's still helping me TRY not to feel so far away...
  6. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean...sometimes you just want to feel anything even pain just to know you can still feel....well, that's what it's like for me. Well done for distracting yourself so far :) I'm glad your friend is online now....if you find that chatting to him is no longer working or it starts triggering things then stop, relax and try and do something else instead.

    I have a box of distractions and stuff to do for bad days (it's also great for if I'm having a bad day interms of my ME illness as well!)...if I start getting low, thinking bad things etc then I can look through my box and find something nice to do...I keep magazines, books, knitting (not that I can actually do it properly!), puzzle books, CDs, DVDs and things like that in there so that they are all ready....as well as chocolate, a snuggly blanket and some candles :) Just any idea anyway....

    I hope you manage to get through this
  7. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I think I need to create a box of distractions, too. I am glad that I have distracted myself thus far...and haven't even hurt myself through self-injuring, either, which is good for me. :) And I will stop talking to him if it starts triggering stuff or it doesn't work anymore...it's not his fault that he's a bit of it, at least.

    I hope I manage to get through this, too...this is scary...I've never felt quite as bad as this before.
  8. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    My friend called the police on me. And you know what? Talking to them actually helped...amazingly enough...Especially since one of them was cute (*blush*) lol. I didn't say that I wanted to kill myself, but I did say about all the "why" part, and that I SI...and that actually helped. I feel better now. I feel like I'm more HERE, if that makes any sense...
  9. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    well done you :) I'm glad you are feeling better and that talking to the police helped. Glad you are feeling more connected now too :)

    Take care of yourself ~X~
  10. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Thanks. :) It did help. I can't believe he called the cops on me, though. But I can see why~he said he was crying for 2 hours, he was so worried about me. He called the Care Line here and said he had a friend who he couldn't reach who wanted to hurt herself...and they put him in contact with the police. It was odd~at first they wanted to know if "Elizabeth" was in there. *confused look* I don't know why...but anyway, then I had to go talk to them. And I promised that I wouldn't hurt myself AND I promised my friend that I would NEVER hurt myself again without trying to talk to him first so he could try to help me.

    But wow...I am amazed that he loves me that much. That was SO nice and wonderful to know...that seemed t' cheer me up more than talking it out did! lol :)

    Thank you for caring. *hug*
  11. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    it is a bit mad that he called the cops! But it shows he obviously cares for you and is worried about you....and it obviously helped a lot...I'm so pleased it did :) It just goes to show that these stages dont last forever....obviously there are ups and downs but even when we think we are suffering alone and ther eis no one to help, there usually is :)

    I'm glad to care :) It might sound a little selfish but reading through posts on here from people going through rough patches and posting to them trying to offer a little comfort and understanding is actually pretty helpful to me. I often feel useless and that I have no purpose and that I am a burden so helping and giving a listening ear (or reading eye! lol) makes me feel a little better about myself for trying to help....I've only been on this forum a few days but it has already helped me a lot :hug:

    hope you have a good day/night (no idea what time it is where you are!) and take care ~X~
  12. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't think he could think of anything else to do! And he technically did call the Care Line first~~they referred him to the cops. So that helped. Yes, I just need to remember that...I wish I could always remember that no matter how bad I feel! But now I am feeling a lot better, and I think that I'm not going to do anything at all. Besides, I promised both the police AND him that I wouldn't. ;)

    I'm glad that you care! That actually makes perfect sense to me...that's also how I was getting a little comfort today. Reminding myself of that, that I do have a purpose, I am helpful, I'm not a burden...it helps a lot. And you're doing great on this site, you have a wonderful reading eye! :hug:

    It's 10:15 p.m. I need to go home! You take care, too. :)
  13. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    thanks :hug:

    Try and remember how you feel now the next time you are feeling low and remember how that feeling didnt last forever :)

    Sleep well :)
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