I hate this...!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Paparazzi, Jul 10, 2009.

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  1. Paparazzi

    Paparazzi Member

    I feel horrible right now, and I dont have anyone to turn to, because ever since my dad passed (committed suicide in 07. Mom and him were divorced since I was 3, but I was soo close to him), ive become somewhat of a hermet, I've always believed that I have had mild social anxiety (i was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety, but I never toke the meds or went back to the doctor because I didnt trust him). So recently I think my Social anxiety (I was never diagnosed with the Social Anxiety, just anxiety, ive never really told anyone my feelings so that they could diagnose me). has worsended because I am having panic attacks in social situations, I dont want to talk to anyone i dont know, I dont like doing anything anymore! I want to go to a therapist but im nervous, because I dont like doctors, ive never trusted them, and My anxiety kicks in and I always think im going to get blood drawn (phobia of needles!). I feel like an idiot saying that, although Im sure im not the only one, who has that, but I get scared to tell anyone anything, because they are going to think less of me.

    Plus on top of all that ive been so depressed for the past few years, and now its only getting worse, sometimes I have high points (mainly when I listen to music, it always puts me in a good mood). But as soon as my mom gets home from work she yells at me, over nothing, I ask a question and I get it, she has always treated my other brother better than me, she tells me over and over, that im a worthless loser, shes told me to go ahead and take my life before, so has my grandmother. It hurts when they say all of that, and she came home today doing it all again, how im a horrible son and yells because I dont have a job right now, mainly because im nervous and I panic being in any social situations, so I never have enough courage to get to the interview, I hesitate and panic and worry myself to death. I lost all my friends a while ago, because of my anxiety and depression just got worse, where I even get nervous talking to friends (For Example, if I havent talked to them in 2 weeks and they call, I get nervous and think there mad or something or think its going to be ackward and wont answer).

    Im trying to pick a Therapist well a Psychiatrist (because I believe Psych. can prescribe the medications you need, as a therpaist would require you to go to a primary care physician to get the medication). I'm just trying to figure it all, im really nervous. I want to cut soo bad, I mean I looked at the razor today and somehow convinced myself not to, I dont want to be here, and have to suffer through all of this. I dont want to stick around everyday trying to hold out, when im hurt or let down everyday, I feel horrible!
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hi Jack,
    First of all welcome to the forums, glad you're here. I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad also, that can't have been easy.
    Secondly, definitely don't cut! I know it'll make you feel better but only for a second and then you'll feel worse again. And believe me a second worth of relief isn't worth the scars. I wish I'd told myself that once upon a time also. :-( now left with some horribly deep marks.

    I'm so sorry about the way you're being treated at home, sometimes family members underestimate how serious things are and say and do things that they don't realise are making the situation worse. Have you tried sitting down with your mum and grandmother and telling them exactly what they are doing to you? Or if that is too much, maybe writing a letter. Because there can be no interruptions with a letter and you can say exactly what you have always wanted to say. Spill your guts onto the page and they'll have to read it.

    I think it's good that you're going the right way about things with the meds and the psychiatrist. That's the first step and good on you for taking it.

    I've never known much about anxiety, but when I don't leave the house for a long time due to my depression, the social anxiety kicks in. And I leave the house in dark glasses with my ear phones up so far I can barely hear or see anybody anyway, it helps a little but not much. I can still feel my heart beating out of my chest. But I usually just take a deep breath and try to get to where I am going whilst concentrating on the music and day dreaming instead of what is around me. If that helps you to get to the psychs office, definitely do it. Take a few deep breaths.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry about your dad it sounds like he was a support to you. I am glad you are getting help through medication and a doctor. Could you get your doctor to talk with you mom and grandmother to let them know how they are hurting you. They really need help to understand what you are feeling. The doctor can explain to them to stop be verbal abusive with you. Get your doctor to explain to themabout social anxiety okay I am glad you are here we will be your support come and talk anytime.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Many times the psychiatrist will want you to see a therapist as well because their specialty lies in prescribing meds. I am sorry your mom is treating you this way. I am sure she is still hurting too. That doesn't give her the right to do that though. I am glad to hear you are being proactive and seeking help. That is the first step. How old are you now? I ask because I am wondering if you have to remain in this situation or if you are old enough to move away from it. I am glad you decided to join us and share your thoughts. :hug:
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