I feel horrible right now, and I dont have anyone to turn to, because ever since my dad passed (committed suicide in 07. Mom and him were divorced since I was 3, but I was soo close to him), ive become somewhat of a hermet, I've always believed that I have had mild social anxiety (i was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety, but I never toke the meds or went back to the doctor because I didnt trust him). So recently I think my Social anxiety (I was never diagnosed with the Social Anxiety, just anxiety, ive never really told anyone my feelings so that they could diagnose me). has worsended because I am having panic attacks in social situations, I dont want to talk to anyone i dont know, I dont like doing anything anymore! I want to go to a therapist but im nervous, because I dont like doctors, ive never trusted them, and My anxiety kicks in and I always think im going to get blood drawn (phobia of needles!). I feel like an idiot saying that, although Im sure im not the only one, who has that, but I get scared to tell anyone anything, because they are going to think less of me. Plus on top of all that ive been so depressed for the past few years, and now its only getting worse, sometimes I have high points (mainly when I listen to music, it always puts me in a good mood). But as soon as my mom gets home from work she yells at me, over nothing, I ask a question and I get it, she has always treated my other brother better than me, she tells me over and over, that im a worthless loser, shes told me to go ahead and take my life before, so has my grandmother. It hurts when they say all of that, and she came home today doing it all again, how im a horrible son and yells because I dont have a job right now, mainly because im nervous and I panic being in any social situations, so I never have enough courage to get to the interview, I hesitate and panic and worry myself to death. I lost all my friends a while ago, because of my anxiety and depression just got worse, where I even get nervous talking to friends (For Example, if I havent talked to them in 2 weeks and they call, I get nervous and think there mad or something or think its going to be ackward and wont answer). Im trying to pick a Therapist well a Psychiatrist (because I believe Psych. can prescribe the medications you need, as a therpaist would require you to go to a primary care physician to get the medication). I'm just trying to figure it all, im really nervous. I want to cut soo bad, I mean I looked at the razor today and somehow convinced myself not to, I dont want to be here, and have to suffer through all of this. I dont want to stick around everyday trying to hold out, when im hurt or let down everyday, I feel horrible!