. . . but I should've killed myself three (soon to be four) years ago when my depression began to take over. I think to myself "Why did I end up staying alive?" and I can't come up with any reasons. Every time I attempt to make progress and remedy things that bother me, it blows up in my face. I've never had many friends IRL or online. Every group I've joined, people just pass me by and connect with others. People say "just try again" or "doing nothing will get you nothing." Yes, well, reaching out and doing things yielded the same results as inactivity. To sum it up: this isn't the life I want. However, I lack both the motivation and knowledge to create that life. Death seems preferable at this point. At least then I won't deal with the constant disappointment and unhappiness.