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I hate to say this . . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reynard_muldrake, Jan 6, 2013.

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  1. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    . . . but I should've killed myself three (soon to be four) years ago when my depression began to take over. I think to myself "Why did I end up staying alive?" and I can't come up with any reasons. Every time I attempt to make progress and remedy things that bother me, it blows up in my face. I've never had many friends IRL or online. Every group I've joined, people just pass me by and connect with others. People say "just try again" or "doing nothing will get you nothing." Yes, well, reaching out and doing things yielded the same results as inactivity.

    To sum it up: this isn't the life I want. However, I lack both the motivation and knowledge to create that life. Death seems preferable at this point. At least then I won't deal with the constant disappointment and unhappiness.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe at SF you can make a connection as I know many people who have struggled with feeling invisible and meeting very caring people here...please PM me if I can help you navigate the site and meet new people
  3. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    I've been a member here for nearly two years. Chat can be a bit much for me and while I've met some nice people in the buddy threads/section, they haven't stuck around for very long. After a while one's hopes can't be raised.
  4. Vivek85

    Vivek85 Active Member

    I understand your pain, at least in part, at this point.

    I have struggled with serious depression as well, and I expect to continue to struggle with it, though I've found that it's not entirely disadvantageous: at times, it has been tremendously useful as a creative tool, particularly when applied to poetry writing and painting. I'm not an exceptional writer, but it's an outlet for my depression, and a honing device for my weak concentration.

    I partook in a few easy steps to learn to balance my depression with happiness:
    1. I started read Stoic philosophical texts (here is an excellent resource: http://stoicletters.blogspot.com/p/letters-index.html
    2. I started writing in a personal journal to prevent myself from recycling the same old negative narratives in my mind
    (obviously your depression might not be this simple)
    3. I reached out to others (mostly my two close friends)
    4. I decided that no matter what, I'll try my best to help others deal with depression and suicidal thoughts.
    If I killed myself, I wouldn't have been able to help others as I seek to help them now. While I'm capable of
    helping others, I won't kill myself.
    5. I started exercising (cardiovascular exercise seems to provide a solid mood-boost)

    Tell me: how did you reach out and do things?
  5. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    I usually visit sites like this when I really need someone to talk to. Sometimes I'll discuss certain things with my mother. Mostly I just seek out certain forms of escapism: fiction, films, etc.

    Reaching out to others in pain was something I did for a time. It worked for a time as people seemed truly grateful for my advice. For a variety of reasons I just can't bring myself to do that anymore. Mostly because I can't even persuade myself to find a way out of this muck, but partly because most of the time I either don't know what to say or I'll find their problems too meager. Harsh? Perhaps. I'm just not sure how else to phrase it.

    Writing (creatively or no) is something I wish I could do. My imagination is nonexistent and while I know the basics of sentence structure, my writing also lacks flair and polish. There's no point in pursuing a hobby I just won't be able to excel at.
  6. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    My mood/outlook on life has been sinking lower and lower. Nothing's going to get better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2013
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