Well, I hate today. i hated yesterday. And i will hate tomorrow. it is nothing more then another day of pain and struggle. And my dang brother called today. Wanting to borrow money from me. Can you actually believe that? He has a great job , brings home over 500$ per week income and wants to borrow money from me cause he is broke. Well i do not have a job anymore cause i burnt my hand. i just hung up on him. i have had it . i have had it with my life, with my family, and with my so called friends. Why is it that they are not there when you need them? Why is it that when you are down not one person you know is there for you? Why do they leave when you need them the most?? Life is not fair and i will be going to get my funeral arrangments in order this week. possiable tomorrow or friday. I have several automobiles that i intend to donate to charity , like perhaps the cancer sociaty in honor of peter. There are so many like him ( me included ) that has learned they have cancer with no hope of survival. Even got a letter from doc today wanting me to make appointment as soon as i can. For probably chemo that will prolong this painful life for what another 6 months. well no thanks cause i have two weeks left and i intend to not change my mind no matter what. it is not like anyone would miss me anyhow. I just do not see how he ( peter ) was able to endure the pain. I can not endure it myself. i am just so weak. He was strong. I used to be that strong but being faced with death it is hard to overcome it. I can not fight it and i do not want to suffer like i seen my mom die. My family knows nothing of my cancer and i will keep it that way. If they did not love me before then what makes it a difference now to show me love?? I do not want their pretend love now just because they know i have something that is incurable. they never came around before so why would i want them now? i am just going to push myself away from them. they were not there when i needed them so they need not be here now and i will refuse to accept it because i know in my heart they are just pretending . thats all it ever was or will be. who knows maybe they know my plans to end it?? but i will no matter what. God i hate today. i hate my life and i want it to just end it.