i hate waiting

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I´ve got this friend who lives far from me. Now he's on holidays but in the last email i told him all the cuts thing is to get attention. i know it is not, i know cuts are the way i have to punish myself for being so horrible(n a way to keep my brain busy with physical pain). But now he may think i am tryin to get his attention and he may think i dont deserve his love anymore.ARG! why is he on holidays NOW!? I cant stand the waiting :( i wont email him anymore cos then he'll think "oh ya, she wants to get attention" i told him that cos a person told me "u're like those stupid teens who wants to get attention and cut themselves and then go 'I am so down that i´ve cut myself' ". and I stupidly believed him. i dont knwo what I'll do if lose him... w/out him there's no one to talk to and there's no reason to keep my promise (not to harm myself). now i am sure i messed it up, now he wont want to know from me anymore... i know i am like a weight he has to wear on his shoulders since i´m always down. i´d been thinking i was not gd for him and i wanted to keep him away from me. then i changed my mind and thought he was old enough to decide wether I'm good for him or not. i also decided i'd try to push my negativity away so he didnt have to hear my cries anymore ... but if he has already decided I aint gd for him there's no point in tryin to get rid of negativity, there's no point in no harming myself... life sucks... and it sucks even more w/out him
:( I shoulnt send him another email, should I? now he'll think i'm a lier... I've broken my promise, but i tried not to...maybe he 's better off without me...n maybe he has not even read the email...
meh, I am ridiculous :( it's all my fault
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