I hate who I have become...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tryinghard, Jul 16, 2010.

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  1. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    This is my first post on here so here goes my rambling. My life could have been worse, but it could of also been better. My father went to prison when I was 12 and I from there on to 19 decided to do whatever the hell I felt like doing, which was a bunch of poor doings. I became an angry hateful person. I gave myself a reputation that I myself can't even forgive and wash out of my own memory. I'm 26 now, my birthday just passed, and every year that goes by I am more unhappy with where I am in my life. I am in college and struggling for the motivation to make it through, and I wont forget to mention this is my 3rd time trying. I am employed and barely holding my job, which I myself am surprised I still have being late most everyday, because at times I don't have the motivation or courage to get out of bed. My anxiety is terrible, I cringe at the thought of crowded public places. My attitude is worse, I just hate the world and this life I was given and it shows. I lost most of my friends, gave up on the rest. I am married, for 4 years now, and that has been full of abuse and infidelity. I love him and need him (he is all I really have) or I think I do because I feel no one else will ever want a depressed, lazy, moody, ex-***** as myself. He tries to support me, and other family also, but it's like they don't understand how empty and useless I feel. I have yerned for children and it seems as though I'm not able to have any. Over the last 7 years we have been together I have gained approx 70 lbs. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that my husband has to see me like this. I hate that I look trashy from the stupid ass tattoos I had 'bootleg' done when I was a teenager. I hate that I dont love as much as I hate. I miss the old me that I feel will never come back because I've fell in that last ditch. The never-ending ditch where when something starts to get better it plummets right back down, leaving you smack down on your face. Everyday I wake up, at least just about, I wish I would just die. Just F'n die already. Worst thing is I dont even have the kahuna's to do anything about it. I think about OD, driving my car 60 off a bridge/into a wall, hanging myself, shooting myself (even landed in the store for a gun but never got one) but it just does't happen. I just wallow in my sarrow. I'm tired of feeling like this....
     
  2. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry to hear about your situation. I am praying for you and hope you do too. You sound like a good person.PEASE STAY WITH US AND WE WILL HELP AND BE YOUR FRIEND
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Wow. I have to say that you are ready for change. All of the things you do not want to be can and will be changed! Do not lose hope. Deep inside you are the real you, the happy,loving, and caring person that you want to let out! But you cannot because the lies of this world and the lying thoughts in your head have conditioned you to believe that you are what you hate. This is simply not true, because if it were true you would not have a war going on in your mind, and soul. I found that I too was in chains by the lying convinvincing conditionings of this world, but I have found freedom, and hope. I have persoanlly found them in Yahweh, and his word. No not church, and I do not suggest for anyone to go to a "CHURCH" ever. But I do suggest that if you decide to look into the hope I have to get a bible, and pray to Yahweh for his understanding and guidance. This would be after repenting [aplogizing for doing things your way hardheadily], and asking him to take control, and to guide you from then on. My life has completely changed, and by being obedient to his diet I have lost weight sitting on my butt, yes, it is true. Being obedient to him, has transformed and freed me completely of all the false lies that I once believed. You too can be free. And I have been blessed with two children, joy, and knowing I am who I was always meant to be, :hug: Blessings..
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi tryinghard. I know that life seems pretty crappy right now but you can turn things around. You mentioned that you are overweight, well maybe you can join a gym or use the gym at college, and get back into shape. That might help you feel better about yourself. Also, you could get those tatoos removed if you really want to. Please try and not think about suicide methods. This will only hinder your recovery. Please don't give up. :hug:
     
  5. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    I do go to the gym at school sometimes, the weight just doesn't seem to be going anywhere! It's embarrassing too, to be busting rump next to glamour girl over there. I suck it up though. I have had a consultation to get tattoos removed also, it's about 4k and it will take time to pay this. I'm patiently waiting, atleast I'm trying hard. I think I'm just using the forum as a resource, ppl to talk to when I'm down and out. Or evn just an ear to talk about a good day.I appreciate the responses and the time ppl take out their day to comfort another. Thank you!:stars:
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Damn, $4000 is a lot of money to get tatoos removed. I'm sure glad that I never got any tatoos or body piercings.
     
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