I hate...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by mental_obsession, Jun 19, 2008.

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  1. mental_obsession

    mental_obsession New Member

    I hate how I feel guilty every time I eat
    I hate how I am never happy with how I look
    I hate how I'm consumed by my weight obsession
    I hate it all, but I can't get out!
    I hate how scared I am of being "fat".
    I hate how many times a day I step on the scale.
    Will I ever be happy with life and my appearance?
     
  2. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hi sweetie

    Have you been able to talk to a professional about how you are feeling? they may be able to direct you to the right path, its so hard when we become obsessional about something, we all need a helping hand sometimes

    take care
    hugs
     
  3. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    The ironic thing is you are not fat but either normal weight or underweight. I would talk to your GP sweety, get yourself some help. You cannot fight this alone.

    Sam
    x
     
  4. mental_obsession

    mental_obsession New Member

    I've never had professional help for my eating issues, though I've had it for a lot of other reasons. I guess I never brought up the obsessive relationship I have with my weight. I never really saw it as a problem. I go through periods where I eat as little as possible of the most healthy foods and then I go a few weeks/months where I eat like a normal 25 year old. Because of that I never really saw it as a problem, but I currently am on the lowest calorie intake I've ever been on.
    I guess I feel like I'm to old to be dealing with this. I have a family, what kind of wife/mom does this make me. Not that anyone knows whats going on, I hide it very well. I had a baby a few months ago so no one really thinks anything of my weight loss. A few years back, there were some rumors floating around about me being anorexic, but they quickly faded. I would be humiliated if anyone knew how weird my relationship with food and weight is.
    I am absolutely terrified of being "fat", it is one of my biggest fears. I don't know why? I feel like because I do have two kids that is all the more reason for me to be thin, like I need to prove to myself that I am stronger than the women that let themselves go.
    Yikes!:unsure: I've pretty much said everything that I have been thinking for the past few months, maybe even years, that I never had the courage to say before.
     
  5. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya

    :hug:

    Sweety I started off like you. Eating little bits and then I ate normally. I never thought it was a problem. I too was terrified of being fat. I still am and like you I am on my lowest intake of 700 calories and using laxatives ontop. I too was in therapy but not for eating. Although that is now changing I have seen that I am ill and that my form of control is not control anymore it is in control of me.

    The thing is you are never too old to have problems I was told this by the samaratins. I guess in a way it is true. I bet you are a brilliant mum although at the moment you prob not getting much sleep at night. You do sound like you are an anorexic or going down that route. Maybe you should speak to your husband. I am telling you now your children will have guessed something is wrong (doesn't matter how much you hide it, they sense these thing) and your husband may have sensed something is up 2 but not sure what. Think of it like this...if your children have guessed that you do not like food then they will grow up in a similar way. They are learning from you. If you are breast feeding your baby is not getting the nutrients it needs from you. You need to look after yourself and seek help from the GP otherwise you may find that you get to weak to look after your children which will scare them + if you are hospitalised they may get confused as to why you are not around and get upset.

    Please for your childrens sake see ur GP.

    Take care

    Sam
    x
     
  6. mental_obsession

    mental_obsession New Member

    I can find a bit of comfort in that fact that there are others with my fear, so I thank you for that.

    I am most certain that neither my husband or kids know what is going on, as I work long hours. I usually work between 10 and 11 hours a day so the only meal that I would eat at home is dinner. And our household is very chaotic so we don't sit down together very often, every one eats at different times. The only time that I do eat is around noon, I figure that any of the calories that I do consume I will burn off by the end of the day. And then no one at my work will suspect anything.

    I am currently consuming about 400 calories a day at most, and I do feel weak a lot. The strange thing is that the faint feeling that I get makes me feel empowered. It may sound weird, but I get a sense of power from it. I no longer breastfeed, I would never deprive my baby of the nutrients he needs, so I'm not concerned about that.

    I guess I feel like I can stop if I want... I just don't want to. There are so many things I hate about this... obsession... but I don't want to gain any weight. If I feel too weak, I usually try to get a couple of extra calories, I keep it in check.
     
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    Children have an uncanny sense in knowing these things unfortunately. I study Psychology at uni.
    They will pick up that you feel weak and if they do not see you eat then they may start to feel like food is not important.

    It is good though that you are trying to add a couple of calories at a time. However I do not believe that you are completely in control. You feel happy right if you do not eat...a sense of achievment and control? Your sense of empowerment does not sound wierd at all, not to me any way I understand it however, It is a sign of an ED evn if just enquiring about it to your GP or even mention to your midwife that you have an abnormal lack of appitite and see what she says? I am not saying that it is baby related but it is a way of finding things out before you find it comfortable to talk to someone about it.

    You are a strong person you can get yourself better. It is your ED that is saying that you do not want to get better not you.

    Here if you want to chat.

    Take Care

    Sam
    xxx
     
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