I Have 30 days

[notafraid]

I am giving myself 30 days to live. I sincerely doubt anything will change by then but who knows. Things have only been getting worse.
I have been to a Psychologist and Psychiatrist. The medication prescribed to me only made me apathetic. When I was on it I would just sit and stare at nothing for hours on end. The counselling i recieved did not seem to help at all. As far as I know my depression is uncurable.
I feel as though I can feel no positive emotion. Pain, anger, stress, hate, and sadness are the extent of my "emotional vocabulary". A lot of times I just feel apathetic, which I think can be worse sometimes than depression itself. It prevents me from feeling any sort of empathy.
I was always a quiet guy, the guy you would see sitting in the back of the classroom, not saying anything to anyone. I never even raised my hand even though I always knew the answers. I just always found it hard to socialize.
It probably didn't help that I looked down on a lot of people. I just found the majority of my classmates to be pretentious, stupid, obnoxious, or just plain shallow.
I never had freinds, only aquaintences. People I couldn't help but see every day. Having no one to share things with is quite painfull. I think this message is the most I have shared with anyone.
I get stressed out a lot. Things in life just seem to come with so many problems and everything seems so complex sometimes.
If you are reading this lengthy sob story i want to thank you. I admire your attention span. If anyone has any suggestions please comment. If not I don't blame you. I have lived with this all of my life and never came up with a solution. I have 30 days, and I am not afraid to die.

 

[makenosense]

well, i have problems seeing myself in black or white terms and sometimes i want to off myself, but it would be even worse for me if i saw others as i see myself.

maybe it would help you to try to not see other people in black or white terms?

not ALL people are hopeless. the way you write, you make it sound like all people on the earth are hopeless.

i don't know you personally, but i doubt you were born unhappy. life, especially human life, wouldn't survive if it wasn't at least born with the capacity to be happy or joyous once in a while or at the very least, content.

what's your life situation right now? how far from home have you been? what do you do for yourself aside from see med professionals and take anti depressants? it's definitely not a cure, but exercise can really help, as can a good diet (but i don't feel like getting into that here in detail). sorry if you've heard that a thousand times before.

there are probably a thousand paths to take to find a better way. maybe you've been on the wrong path for a very long time. doesn't mean you still can't find the right path eventually.

don't set unrealistic goals for yourself. why set yourself up for failure? see what else is out there. give yourself a year or more and try to be open and don't write everything off so fatalistically. we live in a world of people who range from retarded to genius. so many types of people.

what can you do to help with the problems you see that are in need of help? ultimately, you can't control how other people are, but you can try to find ways to assert what you believe in? i don't know the best way you could specifically do that for yourself, but keep trying and don't set such short-term ultimatum for yourself.

 

[Chargette]

How old are you? Are you in college? I was one of the students that sat quiet and shy too. I was serious minded and I couldn't relate to other students. Maybe finding a group that shares similar interests may help?

:hug:

 

[kote]

see if you can get a change of medication. at first all my medication made me doped up and in a state of not caring. but then after several trials of different medication we hit the nail on the head and the cloud was lifted and i was a new person. full of energy and back to my old self. this was a small change in medication too, so you could just be one pill away. also with your councelling, i tried it and didnt believe someone could know more about my brain than me and if that was the case how could they help or even fix me, but they helped me to catagorise things and put away the heavy bagage i had been carrying for years. so maybe give councelling another shot. make sure these 30 days are important ones and try everyday to find a way out and a cure. you are very intellectual from your writing i can tell this easily, so you must know its all chemistry in the mind which is making you feel low. try again and dont say no. there is the right medication for you and the right counceller you just havent met yet. goodluck!!!

 

[kote]

also you dont need a big group of people around you to live, im quite anti social as everytime i meet new people there is always something negative. so my best friend is my dog and i go hiking in the mountains and find peace. this helps me deal with the negativity of everyday situations. find a hobby where you can escape from the world and find your own joy.

 

[Raphael1]

I read every word and I grieve for you. But you must go on.

 

[TWF]

There are other things in life. Will you be in school forever? No. So things can take a turn. Give it a go, give life a chance. Good luck.