Ok so idk where to start, I'm a cutter. I haven't done so for a long time I would say about a year or so. I have recently struggled with the idea of harming again. It's conflicting and crazy because I'm in a position and career that focuses on helping others. Is it crazy that I'm willing to put my life for others but harm myself... Stupid. A couple things triggered this. About 4 months ago I broke up with a long term bf. And I mean looooong term. I hate to say I was abused but I was. He would pinch me when I said something wrong, he would grab me and throw me when I tried to leave a fight. He choked me, threw me to the floor and screamed at me. He grabbed me so hard before I thought he was going to break my bones. I probably made it worse by attempting to leave arguments but I can't sit there and take that but I took it. Despite my tough chick attitude, he scared me. Times I tried to leave I was stuck, trapped in a room, took my keys so I couldn't drive off till we "talked" . Talking never helps with people like that. So sure I broke up with the guy 4 months ago but the damage is done. I'm not sad about the break up, I'm pissed I didn't leave sooner. My self esteem has always been low because I was bullied growing up, the relationship made myself lower than ever. My trust is trashed , my love is fragile and I'm so fucking lost with my emotions and self confidence. Then to make it better my dumbass starts falling for a guy who had broken up with his gf, we got together and he seemed to really like me but I was played. he decides to complete ignore me and I find out he's back with his ex. All I asked was honesty, hey if he wanted to work things out with his ex then that's fine, I just hated the fact he gave me no explanation as to why he stopped talking and completely ignore me. It bothers me a lot. ( we work in the same place) And now I'm a stupid idiot for liking a married guy who I know seems like a player. But he's married and I don't like that I could be seen as the "other woman" even though they are having their issues. No I'm not going to put myself through that shit. I'm going to ignore that and just move to something else because my heart is loose and wild and it's killing me. I'm lost and confused. And now I'm dealing with the loss of a family member whom I was close with and completely adored. It fucking sucks! That also triggered a self harm need, it's how I have always dealt with loss. Now I'm really really trying not too but it's hard. It's crazy I thought I was over self harm, seriously a year went by and now it comes back like it was always buried inside waiting to come out. People say it eventually goes away, I was one of those people but fuck it's not always 100% it lingers,.. Of course work is keeping me busy so my mind is for the most part occupied but the down times kill me. Especially when I start my 100mph thoughts. I'm looking for dates now and it's scary but at the same Time I know exactly what I don't want. I'm at the point where I don't think I'll find someone for me . I'm just so fucking fed up with my personal shit, work is good, other than that I'm fucking miserable. But it seems to me I'm going to be 100% into work that no one will want to deal with me, whatever , fuck like and it's stupid ass fucking games. Ugh.