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I have a plan waiting on supplies to arrive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jck78, Sep 2, 2012.

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  1. jck78

    jck78 Member

    I was falsely accused of a crime, the police out here are awful and corrupt. I am paying loads of money to defend my innocence. I had to drop out of college with 2 classes left to graduate to pay for a lawyer. My dreams are gone, my hopes lay dead, I am miserable. I am waiting for what I plan to use to arrive in the mail. I am angry but I am trying to hide it from everyone so I don't accidently vent my anger towards someone that does not deserve it. I am just waiting to die now, not sure what to do...I am not scared and not sad about it. My friends and family will think it was an accident. I have been researching accidental deaths and found one I could carry out that I should not have any troubles pulling off. No one will be harmed in the process...like I am not going to have a car accident or anything that would endanger anyone else's life or safety. Thanks for reading.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Why are you allowing THEM to win???????

    Are you innocent? Then stand up straight and tall and prove it. Prove that you are wrongly accused, use your time to focus on defense rather than in dying, and then after you prove your case... go after them. If you win your case (and you should, if you are innocent), then your attorney will surely continue on for contingency.

    Stop giving up. Innocent people stand up and prove that they are not guilty.
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    JCK78; bottling it all up inside, and trying to "hide" it will lead to exactly what you don't want: a blow out, where you take everything out on the wrong thing, in the wrong time, against the wrong person.

    You said that no-one will be harmed in the process, you are wrong, actually I would not be surprised if PickWithAustin came in this thread and started to talk about how wrong it is to think that nobody else would be harmed, just because you die what you believe to be a very low key or peaceful death.

    The thing about others, is that no matter how much you fight with them, no matter how many misunderstandings, arguments, painful circumstances, confusion, aggression etc... no matter how much "crap" goes on between you and any other individual, most, if not ALL of those individuals would NEVER imagine you dead.

    Most if not ALL, of those individuals would never sit down and think, "Gee, I want JCK78 to be dead. I need them permanently gone from my life, they must die!".

    Most, if not everyone ever truly sits around thinking that way, in terms of actually wanting that to come true. People would be beyond devastated. They would be so shocked, that even with a letter, they would blame themselves. They would feel angry. They would feel abandoned.

    They would feel every single thing you listed above, about how all their dreams are now gone, and the hopes are dead. Do you think anybody could sit and concentrate on a dream, when they have a death to deal with after that?

    Do you think anybody could easily laugh after this, or not be reminded of your death or your absence after this?

    Death is much heavier than you are taking it! Just because you are at peace with the idea of it, and have an exit plan etc... does not mean that nobody else is going to be hurt in this case. You will end up hurting everyone who ever finds out you died, because now they will be aware that someone has come to pass unnaturally. Even natural deaths are hard on people; but unnatural ones (this would be unnatural, because of the fact that it will be so abrupt and out of nowhere, no notice whatsoever etc...), are the harshest.

    The police accusing you, and you having dropped out and paid for a lawyer already, will all go to waste if you just exit and cut out now. Why even drop all of you dreams to defend your innocence, just to take all the guilt in the end anyway?

    Isn't this decision of yours all about guilt anyway? The guilt of having lost all your dreams now, wasted efforts, wasted time... wasted everything. It's all lost? Right?

    Please consider what I said.

    I hope it doesn't come across as me being against you, and your needs, or anything like that. I would like for you to hear what I said, in a tone that would be your own voice, a hopeful one, that reminds you maybe that while life can be heavy, there are many free joys that nobody can take away from you, and many things that you can redo.... and many things that are not gone...even if they seem to be.

    Education is something that anybody of any age can go back and do. is it free? Not always. Sometimes it is expensive, but has that option really been lost? Is it really gone completely?

    If it truly was your dream, howcome you are giving up now, on it? A dream, one that is truly such, will be something that you always come back to, and find a way to accomplish. Sometimes the path to that dream is not always what you envisioned, or expected, or wanted... but the result is what you are after in this case... so the journey, should not be the excuse to quit anymore either, should it?

    Are you really that bad of a person to deserve such a result, the result of nothing at all, ever again? A grave? A coffin? People crying tears over your body? Someone's screams... as they discover you?

    Is that really what you think you are worth? Do you truly think that is what you deserve, and that you'd be better off this way?

    Hope is something that we must learn to find again. It is not truly lost, but we forget how to do it.

    As a child, you could do many things that you no longer can do, but not because you cannot do them any-more, but because you have forgotten how. But that is always still there in the memory, with a reminder... with some knowledge of knowing where to look, or how to look for it.

    Sometimes people look to things that they found hopeful in the past, but they have forgotten how to be hopeful, so past hopes will only depress more.... Is there anything right now that you can think of, besides waiting for your package to arrive, that when you look at it, you think it's beautiful? Or you believe it's just grand? Or you think to yourself it is outstanding?

    Maybe a scent.... a feeling... something that you can touch? Something that you might experience? Something you might hear? Maybe something you might even remember, a lesson that makes you feel a bit better?
  4. jck78

    jck78 Member

    You make some good points, and I have to reconsider my thoughts! I don't want to hurt anyone, and I would. This whole time I have thought of ways to do this without causing anyone harm, such as making it look like an accident, keeping others uninvolved in the process, but everyone will be involved. I suppose I seem foolish for wanting to give up now. I have just spent my life giving and helping people and now this person I never met before, I never even conversed with before, is causing me a headache. That's really all it is I suppose in the long run, I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. 2 times I reached out for help from the police in this area and both times I was treated like a I was under suspicion of doing something wrong. 1 was a hit and run when I got run over and the other I was sleep walking and fell down the stairs. The cop accused me of being a drunk and breathalized me in the ambulance with a torn open head. Even the paramedics were astonished they were delaying a rush to the hospital. I just feel powerless at times, get tired of trying to fight the system. Could I move? not possible right now. Your right, I don't need to let these thugs running around with badges and guns, victimize more people because I gave up and died.

    Thank You!
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Well you had the paramedics on your side, as you said, so even if the cops' personal worry in that moment was more of what he could throw against you law wise or ticket wise, to make himself look good to his superiors; you know that the paramedics had other concerns, and more realistic and useful concerns in that moment: your health and safety.

    As for the hit and run, that is wrong sounding, even if a person had been drunk in that instance, it is not a cops job to be accusatory in that instance, but to be UNBIASED and OBJECTIVE and take in information from both sides. That is the duty of an officer, is to remove their emotions and personal opinions from the matter, and to basically take in the details without taking any side. Seems that if you are being accused, the officer is failing to be objective. That should be noted in the future, if you are still currently fighting this case...

    In any case, I am glad that you are deciding to give your choice/decision another thinkabout, and to consider other factors. It is a start at least.
  6. jck78

    jck78 Member

    The current charge they are throwing at me is an assualt and battery. The cop that tossed aside the hit and run, I complained about 3 years ago, now he is back with a bogus charge. I have a witness, my lawyers have video, I never did anything to this woman. What happened was I was trying to cross through a parking lot, I was running between two cars when this woman stopped abuptly and my arm hit the back of her van. She jumped out screaming and threatening to sue me for touching her car. I told her she was being irrational and pointed out there was not any damage to her car. I left the scene. It was nothing. Later the police came, asked why I beat up this woman, I had no idea who or what or even when he was reffering to. A week later I was arrested and released on bond. I did not do anything. I touched a car. I just get overwhelmed with the absolute dishonesty and corruption of police in my town. Its like living in hell. Sometimes I think I can not do anything without the threat of police trying to run me into the ground. I am not alone on this. I sat in jail with a woman who was arguing with her husband, the police came, she said you deal with them. When she swung her hand her purse fell out of her hand and hit the officer's foot. She was charged with assualting a police officer. It is so ridiculous here. The best thing you can do is avoid the police, don't report any crimes, and hope for the best.
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I do not disagree with 'avoiding' the police, honestly. In this case, you cannot avoid, because some lady is bringing them to your doorstep. Is she that bored and does she feel that self entitled to get this much attention, and spend that much money on such a thing?

    Is it possible that she was battered the same day (and she might have been drinking), and maybe she has no idea who did it? But thinks it was you?
  8. jck78

    jck78 Member

    I don't know...

    talking to you has made me do a complete 180 on this suicide idea. How can I leave this world when there are so many caring people in my life. You don't even know me and have spent how much time on a stranger? Your compassion as a human being who does not have any idea who I am, other then a few paragraphs on the internet...its really eye opening. A stranger cares this much about my life...what would I do to the people who have known me for more than a day? I am scared now. I am going to have to face this reality head on. I am going to do it. I am afraid of going to court - but I am going, I am unsure of how to get my arrest expunged - but I am going to find out how, I am taking a huge financial hit - so I am going to have to work harder, take more overtime. I am going to do this. The back door out seems easy when you think it will have no impact, I can't think that anymore. The truth is, I never wanted anyone to get hurt, and I thought I could pull it off and leave no damage, and I can't. I can not cause people harm, you made a big difference to me. You opened my eyes to the reality of this choice. I am glad I mailed out for everything, and had time to talk. Had time to talk to you. I can honestly say I am so much more anxious about dealing with this stupid situation, I am going to have to find ways to cope with this new feeling. I am not changing my mind now, though, I am taking suicide off the table completely.

    Thank You, you saved a life today! You really did!!!
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