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I have a pretty good life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wasteland Walking, Mar 5, 2013.

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  1. Wasteland Walking

    Wasteland Walking New Member

    I mean, how many 25-year-olds can say that they don't have to work, that they live rent-free, that they can have it without having to do... anything? It's been nine years since I did anything, about five years (I think) since I went to school, and I've only had a couple of brief food-court jobs that didn't even total six months, and yet I've never had to worry about a place to leave, or food to eat. I have, at least, decent intelligence, and while I'm not in peak physical condition, for the most part I've got my health. My life is way, way better than that of most people.

    Of course, that's the problem. If I had some reason to feel and act like I do, to just not care, it wouldn't be so bad. Sure, my childhood wasn't easy, but other people have it worse. Okay, so we were never rich, but we weren't living in the gutter, either. I was never popular, but I had my friends. There's no real reason for me to be so incompetent at life. I can't even keep track of the time, much less the date, probably because I sleep so much that a week can pass without my noticing. I have no friends, other than those I know online, and even those are the Internet equivalent of acquaintances. I have no goals or ambitions, and I'm incapable of changing my life for the better. I've had these feelings for a long time, that if I was just going to spend the rest of my life in my room, I might as well skip ahead to the part where I die alone, but I've always been able to ignore it, or push it back. I didn't want to be a statistic, you know? And my family always said that people who killed themselves were cowards.

    Lately, though, I realized that I've always been far from brave. I just existed, sometimes barely, and all I've really been good for is dragging others down. When our household wound up in tough financial straits, I did nothing. When we lost our house and had to move, I just went along. And now, after I told myself it'd be a brand new start, it's been a year and nothing's changed. This is happened again and again and again: I tell myself that I can do things right, can do something right, but it never happens. I don't know why, I don't understand it, and I don't have any excuses; all I can say is "I don't know," and that's worse than having nothing to say. My family's given up on me a long time ago, and while they're far from perfect, they hung in there much longer than they should have; and even then, they've still supported me all of this time. I'm lucky, and I know it. I just don't deserve to be, and I've finally come to terms with it.

    Today, my mother told me that at some point in the near future, she'll be kicking me out. I know her friends and family have been pushing her to do it for years, and I'm not lying when I say I'm not angry at her: She's fully within her rights to do so, and I've been an embarrassment to her for a long time. She has her faults, but she's done more for me than a lot of parents have, and all I've managed to do is, well, absolutely nothing. She hopes that once I wind up in a shelter or something, I'll realize how good I have it and get my act together, but I already know that it won't work. Nothing has so far, so why would this be any different? I feel like I'm incapable of even basic self-preservation, like there's some part of my instinct that got wired wrong. My family is sure I won't be able to handle being on my own, and they're right. Besides, what right do I have to be in a shelter with people who have actual problems, when all that's wrong with me is that I'm somehow unfit to survive?

    All the books and websites tell you to think about suicide before doing it, to avoid acting on impulses. Before, I've always managed to talk myself out of it, or put it off for another day; this is the eighth suicide note I've written in the past two years, though I've always deleted or erased the others. I've thought about it all day, though it came to me, as clear as day, during the above conversation: I won't be able to handle it. It won't change anything. And I've been a leech on society, and a burden on my family, for too long. If I can't manage even the most basic aspects of living in this society, why should I make others pay for it? I know I've always been a selfish person, but for once I'm going to do something right. My parents and my sister might be upset for a while, but they'll move on; I don't have anyone else, so it's okay. I don't know when this is going to happen, but I don't want to do it while I'm still living under this roof: I feel like it'll hurt them more, I don't know. But I've been doing some thinking, and I've got it worked out. I wish I knew my way around here a little better, but I'm pretty sure I can find my way to the local dam, because there aren't a lot of tall buildings here and I don't want to screw up and manage to survive. I'm actually afraid of heights, but it won't be a problem for long. I don't know when this is happening, though, or why I'm posting when my first and last post here was three years ago; I guess I just see this as a trial-run of my note, which is shaping up to be more of a letter. I'm planning on pinning it to my clothes in a ziplock bag, to keep it from getting soaked and shredded in the water, but I'll leave a copy on my laptop, in case the first one doesn't make it through.

    I can't seem to stop crying, but for the first time in literally years, I feel really, really calm. Like it's some kind of revelation.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I can relate to some of what you say. I'm 24, have my rent paid for me, on disability and I'm very insecure. But to be honest, I do not believe suicide is the answer to this. You say your family will be upset for a while, that's not the case, they will be upset forever and have feelings of guilt and the question why? I know this because I have lost close people to suicide. Try and hang in there.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It sounds like you have lost your sense of purpose and have been coasting through life, and like you say, just existing. Find a reason to live, find a purpose. There are many answers out there if you are willing to take the time and look for them.
  4. Wasteland Walking

    Wasteland Walking New Member

    CocaCola: I'm sorry for your losses; I know it won't be pleasant for my family, but I'm hoping that I can make them understand that I'm not doing it to spite them or hurt them, even if it's after I'm gone. We never seemed to be able to resolve anything face-to-face, so I guess I'm trying to find a way to explain myself on paper. I mean, they're always saying that they're worried about what will happen to me after they die; if I go first, that won't be something they'll have to worry about.

    Butterfly: It'd probably be more accurate to say that I never had much of a purpose to begin with. My parents - and grandparents, when they were still around - always did encourage us to find something we wanted to do and do it; "find your passion," as my father, until recently, used to say. Unfortunately, my hobbies are more like escapism, and while I've been advised to take up volunteering, I feel unqualified for it and seriously hindered by my lack of socialization. If I can't get myself to sell fast-food to utter strangers for a few hours a day, how am I supposed to improve the lives of others when I can't even do anything about my own?

    Still, thank you to the both of you for replying. I wasn't really expecting that anyone would.
  5. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    Hey WW, sorry about how you're feeling. I know how paralyzing it can be to feel like you can't do anything because of some strange force keeping you isolated. I'm sorry you haven't found your place in this world yet, I have not at all either, but you still can. Many people don't know what they're doing in life right now. Please don't feel alone in this, I'm with you 100%.

    And just because your circumstance might not be as "bad" as some people, doesn't mean that the pain isn't real. I know it is. I would do anything to help you out because I know what it's like and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. The one thing that does help me, especially at my darkest times, is talking to someone who actually listens and understands. The more of us that stay on this earth, the more we can help each other. Hope you feel better. Hope you can find your inner happiness.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi WW...many people have problems which have not been diagnosed, like depression and learning issues...maybe it is time to see a professional who can assess what is going on? It would be a real tragedy if you did have medical/psychological constraints and you were blaming yourself...please consider this
  7. Wasteland Walking

    Wasteland Walking New Member

    blackbird, fly: Thank you for your good wishes, and thank you for something to think about. "The more of us that stay on this earth, the more we can help each other." I never really thought about it that way, I guess because I never had anyone to talk to about it, or felt like I could, but for some reason it does make a lot of sense.

    Sadeyes: It did occur to me when I first started feeling like this, but at the time I was 15, and my parents told me there was nothing wrong with me except laziness. At this point, every time I consider depression as a cause I can't help but think that they were right, and I'm just coming up with excuses. I don't have any personal funds or health insurance and honestly, I'm not sure where to start in getting professional help.
  8. i/0

    i/0 Member

    I can relate to a lot of this. I'm 26, unemployed, and I came crawling back to my parents after being homeless, but they're ready to kick me out again. I've dropped out of college, and I can't hold a job for more than two weeks. I've tried volunteering before, but it's basically just unpaid work, and it doesn't even put a dent in all the suffering and injustice out there. If left to my own devices, I would be a shut-in, reading, playing video games, just anything to take my mind off of how hollow and pointless life is. I just don't have the energy, the capacity for dealing with responsibility, with other people, with life in general. And sure, I may have a few obstacles most people don't have to deal with, but I just fall apart over the smallest, stupidest things, I feel like I can't "handle" things the way most people can. I'm so crushed by disappointment and failure, so averse to false hope, that I'm just drifting through life. I feel so worthless that I just stop trying, and go out of my way to avoid everything. I'm just consumed by fear all the time, to the point that I feel there's no reason to get up in the morning. I wouldn't define my life as "pretty good", but a lot of people live with tougher circumstances than me, and I feel weak and stupid for being so incapable at life. I can't even die right... I may be alive, but I stopped living a long time ago.
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