I have a time frame but no date

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Sil_, Nov 28, 2012.

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  1. _Sil_

    _Sil_ Member

    So it's pretty unsettling.
    Over the last few weeks I've been feeling rather off about the whole suicide thing.
    I'm not crying, I'm not caring. I haven't made it apparent to anyone, haven't mentioned my intentions, hardly hinted it. So I know that this time, it's not for attention, it's not a cry for help.

    I've had a few bumpy roads to cross while trying to get a grasp of myself in my early teen years. So of course I presented myself in the most pathetic and overly dramatic of ways. But right now, today, these past few weeks, it's been different.
    I've managed to conceal it all.
    And while I'm a bit uneasy about death, I find myself completely calm about it.

    It's either going to be from this weekend to the end of January, reason being that I want to be here for x-mas, new years and my mums birthday. Then, afterwards, I dunno. I don't see the long run.

    It's almost comical how I would even watch things that would give supporting thoughts to those who are driven towards suicidal thoughts. You know, the whole- 'Imagine yourself 10 years from now', or 'people will miss you'. My favorites- 'It's a selfish act, cause you're only trying to hurt others' and 'permanent solution to a temporary problem.'

    I'm just sick of that crap. It does nothing for me.

    Anyone ever feel this way before a failed attempt?

    It's just so weird and fascinating..
  2. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member


    First off I want to say there are many of us here who have been in similar situations. I have felt like just give up and felt the "calm before the storm" type feelings. The question I would ask is that you mentioned wanting to be here for Christmas, New Years, and your Mums birthday, but what about next year and all the events between now and then?? Do you really want your Mum to spend the rest of her birthdays and holidays without you there to participate in the celebrations? A parent no matter who they are never want to bury their child and thats the hard cold truth.

    Have you thought about the consequences of what happens if you "fail" at your attempt? That you could be physically damaged to the point that your quality of life could be even worse than what it is now?? Say you have to be in the nursing home for the rest of your life due to your actions who is gonna take care of you? Who is gonna foot the bill for the care you might need?? There is no "fool-proof" suicide plan as in our whole history of being on this earth I am sure every method has been tried and all have failed at least once.

    The reason I say this is that my sister is 24 years old and has irrervisible brain damage. She requires around the clock care in a nursing home setting for the rest of her life due to her attempt last January. Until she gets approved for disability my parents have had to take out loans to pay her medical bills and that has put them into deep debt.

    I myself have attempted several times and am thankful survived with no long term effects. After my sister attempted (for actually the first time) I saw the devestation it brought on our family. I was on the other side of it this time instead of being the one laying in the hospital bed. I finally felt all the pain and anguish my family felt every time I attempted and I vowed I would never do that again to my family. I still have my bad times of course but I dont take it there because I dont want my parents to virtually lose both of their only children.

    Take good care of you and keep talking!
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry for the difficult thoughts and feelings. Am curious, if you care to share, what are the reasons that you believe it to be a good solution? More importantly what things are going on in your life that have got you to this point?

    Take Care and Be Safe

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