I have almost snapped

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sk44, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. Sk44

    Sk44 New Member

    I was recently home alone for a week, and my family came back tonight and within one hour I felt that old pain of hatred for myself and was told I wouldn't amount to anything. So I snapped and ended up writing this to vent, I didn't know where to put it so I joined here. Warning it contains minor amounts of profanities, it is just how I feel.

    I can’t stand it. Nothing I do is ever right, I try and I try but somehow everything I ever do ends up turning to shit. My mother wants to praise me, I make her cry, I stay home alone for a week and the house is in ruins with dog puke everywhere. My family can’t stand me as I am very obviously the black sheep, where I have the intelligence to not be a failure, but everything I do ends up as a failure. My mother is a single parent supporting two children, my sister is a straight A student with an ego the size of the moon, and instead of words of encouragement to do something, all I ever hear is nagging to why I am not living up to my full potential. Never is it “_____ you can do it” or “I believe in you ______” it is always a check in. Have I lived up to everyone’s standards? The sad but ever reoccurring answer is simply, no. Then I meet the one girl who shows me what love is, I have had a crush on her for nearly 8 years, and this last year I moved on from being her friend and became something important to her. I tell her everything about me, everything I think, do, want to do, and she still loves me through it all. She is the only reason I keep pushing on through everything but sadly I know one day I will lose her too because that is what happens to me, I fail. So now I don’t understand how a family that is supposed to be there for support and comfort, is only there to judge and condescend. And if any of them ever read this and get to this part, never would they admit it, because shit ______ you must be wrong. You keep feeling the same shitty way for a year so you are supposed to change, it couldn’t possibly be the people you are exposed to everyday and the simple, yet patronizing diction they use around you. You have been a scapegoat your entire life for shit and you just stood there taking it. So the day it finally comes up to be to much and you break when you look back for help from your family, you found nothing but remorse and disappointed looks. Never ever have I felt truly proud of anything I have done, never have I truly believed anyone else was truly proud of me, and never has anything I have ever done, or for that matter, ever will do been of importance. I am simply going to fail high school, never get into college, lose every friend I have ever had, and most likely die by my own hand before the age of 25. So this is how I truly feel because when I was alone, everything went to shit, and within an hour of being reunited with my family, the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, I was told I would amount to nothing and I began to hate myself. I don’t know what to do with this rant, I show my family I will either get yelled at or put into intense therapy which will ruin my life instead of helping. If I let this go to waste I will feel even more worthless. Life sucks, sure that is how it is supposed to be, and sure there are millions if not billions of people who would kill for the position I am in, but I can’t handle it. This kind of life was not for me, and it makes me want to kill myself nearly everyday. The only reason I still cling to it is ______. She is my everything, my soul mate, the perfect person for me, the peanut butter to my jelly, and the yang to my yin. But since this is high school we will have to move on, and I will lose the only person to ever truly love me for me. Not for the expectations they have of me, but the actual ______ that she has.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome SK...I want to reach through this screen and give you a hug...I hope you can find a way to not believe them...I do not understand why people would do that, honestly, but know, your value does not depend upon and should not be judged according to them...they are the fools..to hurt someone over a messy house which can easily be repaired is so wasteful (btw, how is the dog?)...welcome and please know there is caring support here