I have come to realize today that I have become my own worst nightmare. I have become a monster in my eyes and a danger to my own children. I am neglectful at best and abusive at my worse. My girls are only 2 and a half and 1 years old respectfully and if I am not screaming and scaring them to death I am completely ignoring them. I have become a monster. I have chained myself with the help of medication, but I don't believe that any amount of meds or therapy is ever going to change the fact that I am a danger to my childrens mental and emotional wellbeing. I can't hardly look my husband in the eye let alone even hug and kiss him. He has been in a near loveless marriage but still refuses to leave me and is hurting so much by staying; although he will never tell me that. I am on the verge of loosing everything and all I can think about is "Please don't put me in a hospital!" I am a selfish and vengful child and have even thought that I wanted the world to hurt for my pain. This is sick, I am sick and there is no cure for a curse I seem to have placed on myself. So how do I fix this? Ofcource the thought of just up and leaving has crossed my mind, but they would never understand why. I have thought of suicide only so I wouldn't have to live with not only the guilt of being a harmful mother, but of being one that was too weak to keep trying and then just left her family. Along with these thoughs of dieing are the thoughts that I don't deserve to be released of this pain and so I am undeserving of death. So what now? I'll just keep withdrawing more and more and as a stay-at-home mom think "who's going to take care of my children while I'm locked in the closet to terrified to come out".