I have become a monster

[Trollkvinna]

I have come to realize today that I have become my own worst nightmare. I have become a monster in my eyes and a danger to my own children. I am neglectful at best and abusive at my worse. My girls are only 2 and a half and 1 years old respectfully and if I am not screaming and scaring them to death I am completely ignoring them. I have become a monster. I have chained myself with the help of medication, but I don't believe that any amount of meds or therapy is ever going to change the fact that I am a danger to my childrens mental and emotional wellbeing.

I can't hardly look my husband in the eye let alone even hug and kiss him. He has been in a near loveless marriage but still refuses to leave me and is hurting so much by staying; although he will never tell me that. I am on the verge of loosing everything and all I can think about is "Please don't put me in a hospital!" I am a selfish and vengful child and have even thought that I wanted the world to hurt for my pain. This is sick, I am sick and there is no cure for a curse I seem to have placed on myself.

So how do I fix this? Ofcource the thought of just up and leaving has crossed my mind, but they would never understand why. I have thought of suicide only so I wouldn't have to live with not only the guilt of being a harmful mother, but of being one that was too weak to keep trying and then just left her family. Along with these thoughs of dieing are the thoughts that I don't deserve to be released of this pain and so I am undeserving of death.

So what now? I'll just keep withdrawing more and more and as a stay-at-home mom think "who's going to take care of my children while I'm locked in the closet to terrified to come out".

 

[theleastofthese]

Trollkvinna;

Please seek professional help right away. Please. If you are in danger of hurting your children, or have already, please do whatever you can to be sure nothing worse is allowed to happen. And the fact that you are thinking of hurting yourself over it is also very frightening.

Being a mother to even one of the two very young children you mentioned is a huge job, enough to throw anyone for a loop, but to have two so young...:ohmy:

We are here to listen and support and comfort but your problem sounds like you need immediate assistance beyond what I, as a member of this forum, can give you. Please call or contact someone you trust for your kids' and your own well-being. I care!!!

You are perfectly welcome to post here to vent your feelings or ask for friendship or whatever you may need, but for immediate needs or safety concerns, please contact emergency professionals.

lots of love,

least

 

[Luliby]

By seeking professional help you are not "committed" to a hospital. You could go to weekly therapy meetings, express your concerns and fears, and receive helful information on how to handle these emotions that are currently handling you.

Hospitalization is really only a last ditch effort if the therapist feels certain that you will hurt yourself. From my experience you have to actually be in the process of killing yourself or absolutely sure you would without some kind of outside intervention. Suicidal thoughts are actually common with people who are depressed. Suicidal thinking itself does not endanger someone, whereas suicidal intent will.

Your therapist will be able to evaluate your situation. Perhaps some of your medications need an adjustment? I am glad you found our site and I hope you can continue to vent your emotions here.

You are not a monster but you will need help to handle this.

 

[scared_child]

I have come to realize today that I have become my own worst nightmare. I have become a monster in my eyes and a danger to my own children. I am neglectful at best and abusive at my worse. My girls are only 2 and a half and 1 years old respectfully and if I am not screaming and scaring them to death I am completely ignoring them. I have become a monster. I have chained myself with the help of medication, but I don't believe that any amount of meds or therapy is ever going to change the fact that I am a danger to my childrens mental and emotional wellbeing.

I can't hardly look my husband in the eye let alone even hug and kiss him. He has been in a near loveless marriage but still refuses to leave me and is hurting so much by staying; although he will never tell me that. I am on the verge of loosing everything and all I can think about is "Please don't put me in a hospital!" I am a selfish and vengful child and have even thought that I wanted the world to hurt for my pain. This is sick, I am sick and there is no cure for a curse I seem to have placed on myself.

So how do I fix this? Ofcource the thought of just up and leaving has crossed my mind, but they would never understand why. I have thought of suicide only so I wouldn't have to live with not only the guilt of being a harmful mother, but of being one that was too weak to keep trying and then just left her family. Along with these thoughs of dieing are the thoughts that I don't deserve to be released of this pain and so I am undeserving of death.

So what now? I'll just keep withdrawing more and more and as a stay-at-home mom think "who's going to take care of my children while I'm locked in the closet to terrified to come out".

I know the feeling, hun. What I want to know is, are you physically abusing your children? Are you in therapy? I know that you think it won't help, and it might not. It didn't help me. If it is depression that is the problem, meds don't always help. Try finding something else to do, to distract yourself. I write, read, draw, type, look at pics, write stories, books, poetry, or if all else fails I'll tear apart my room, put it back together again, and tear it apart again. i will do this until I can't do it anymore.
Why can you hardly look at your husband? Why can't you hug or kiss him? Why are you in a loveless marriage? You don't have to answer these, but it would be very helpful, to me, to know the situation better. What did you mean when you said that you are on the verge of loosing everything? Its fairly normal for someone to want the world to hurt for their pain. U di, My gf does. My sister does. My parents do. And your right you don't deserve deaht. But, not for why you think you do.

 

[allofme]

hey T and wellcome

i can understand how u r feeling. i understand not being able to control your anger.. your mood.. and how u r feeling right now... u say u r on meds so u must have some contact with a doctor...

do you tell the doctor that you are vervally lashing out at you family members.. there may be something he/she can do for that... u also mentioned that you dont want to go into a hospital... is there a reason for that.. did you have a bad experience in the past.. is it a fear...


i was wondering is there some comprimise you can make... like not leave you family and disappear.. but maybe you can stay with your mother... sister.. friend... aunt... shelter...

somewhere you can work on your issues... but still be in your childerns lives... just tell them you are sick.. and becausse you r sick it make you yell ..and not be a good mommy ... so u r going somewhere u can learn to b a good mommy and that u will see them on.....(make a plan...like fevery wed and sat..)

this way you will relieve yourself of a large amount of stress and guilt... this in itself may allow you to begin to heal...

you obviouslly love your family... i think together with your family doctor and friends you can work things our so you can heal.. and your family can also heal...

pm me when ever.. and pleas keep us posted... o and by the way u r no monster...u r ill

 

[Trollkvinna]

I don't fear for my children's physical wellbeing so much as their emotional and mental wellbeing. I have physically pushed my children down to get them away from me and I have a tendancy to smak my oldest upside the head when mad at her. These things only seem to happen when I am at my lowest and may sound small compaired to horrors other children face, but it's enuff for me to say I can be both mentally and phsyically abusive and no child (or husband) deserves that.

My husband and I have been together for over 11 years now (not all of that married) and besides the usual problems we have lost 2 children in that time. One of which is the identical twin to my 1 year old. And now having just passed that anniverserary the memories are reaking havik on an already confused mind. But I am doing much better today.

I came accrossed a quote and a song that have for some reason made me smile:

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

--Hunter S. Thompson

And Jack Johnson "No Other Way". If you are interested you can hear it and read about my twins at: http://www.myspace.com/trollkvinna

Thank you all for just being here.

 

[Insignificant]

first off trollkvinna welcome to sf. :smile:

secondly, i hear you when you say you're afraid for your children. that seems to me to be a first step towards recovery. i'm hearing alot of grief from you. maybe you are not sure how to deal with it i'm not sure, but i would so strongly encourage you to get in and get help.

i was physically abused as a youngster and it was and has continued to be very hard on me. don't let yours experience the same sadness. they deserve good things and it's up to us as parents to help see to it too happen. you can do it. you carry alot of passion with you it's important to carry that in a positive direction.

we'll continue to listen as long as you need, but know we will listen. most important thing at this point is seek help! please for you and your kids seek help, please.

 

[Dave303]

HI Trollkvina, the fact U are questioning yourself about your actions shows U are a very good person at heart. U must get help because medication and therapy does help. There is no reason U should kill yourself, especially when U can fix these thoughts. There is always a solution. If U need to talk on yahoo messenger, U can PM me at rayden291.